Yesterday beta #4 (20dpo) was 2341, up from 955 two days before (I think I originally wrote that it was 956...I was off by the last digit!). I was pretty relieved and quite pleased with that. My progesterone took a nosedive though, which is weird. I think my dose probably needs to be upped a bit. Of course it makes me nervous...just like everything else.
I have another beta draw tomorrow (#5). Hopefully this will be my last. I find the betas really nerve-wracking, so I would be very happy to be done with them, but the RPL doc wants two to compare that were drawn at his clinic since there can be inconsistencies between clinics.
Speaking of which, we had our appointment yesterday afternoon with the RPL specialist. It was originally set up as an IVF consult, so I am quite grateful that he was still willing to see us in the context of this rather surprising pregnancy. I did all the first tri bloodwork as well as screening for a bunch of antiphospholipid antibodies.
Truthfully, I didn't look too carefully at the requisition sheets so I am not exactly sure of everything we did (very unlike me) but it amounted to 15 vials of blood. Apparently, false negatives for antiphospholipid antibodies are common during pregnancy, but a positive result could change our current management, which is why we still did the tests.
In the mean time, I am continuing on with the progesterone and Prednisone (until 12 weeks) and starting low-dose aspirin. I know I spoke to several doctors in Israel who don't believe that baby aspirin does anything, but this doctor felt pretty strongly about it, and I don't think it can hurt...hopefully it will help. He will continue to follow the pregnancy and then if I am lucky enough to make it past first tri, I will be referred to the high-risk clinic.
Overall, I feel like we have our bases covered and I am so relieved my beta didn't drop but we have a long way to go, baby - just 5 weeks today.
Showing posts with label betas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label betas. Show all posts
Nov 8, 2012
Nov 6, 2012
beta anxiety (second edition)
Last night Y got a script from his dad for a beta, if I wanted to repeat it today instead of waiting. I toyed with idea - I figured if this pregnancy is truly on its way out right now (a possibility), it would be reflected in a beta that is the same as yesterday or falling. But an equally likely possibility, perhaps even more likely, is that the number would be up, maybe another slow rise, and repeating it within 24 hours instead of the traditional 48 would just make it unequivocal and hard to interpret. The final possibility, that my hcg is playing nice again, is also definitely possible, but just having the 24h result, I'd still be nervous.
So...I decided I would POAS this morning and if the FRER was clearly getting lighter, I would go in for another draw this morning to confirm a fall, if it looked the same or even darker, I would wait 48h for the next draw....very scientific, I know :)
I had a really weird dream that I was getting some work done in an empty classroom, which apparently involved spreading my possessions about, including a massive collection of saved FRERs from this pregnancy. In the dream, I proceeded to pack up most of my stuff, forgetting the FRERs, and realizing only too late that a class had begun and a bunch of kids were now in the room...WEIRD.
In my second dream, this morning's FRER shattered before I could really interpret the result. And for what it's worth, in reality, today's FRER looked the same as the one from 2 days ago, but since the pregnancy line is so much darker than the control line, it is hard to interpret beyond safely saying that my beta is not likely plummeting.
So now I get back on the waiting train. I know I was a bit dramatic last night....but I was really so sad and disappointed. I know I have a tendency to jump right to the post-mortem before disaster has been confirmed (or sometimes even, denied).
What doesn't help this tendency to jump to the worst conclusion whenever anything is less than perfect is my history. It seems that anytime anything is slightly less than stellar for me pregnancy-wise, it inevitably leads to a succession of events that culminates in something bad.
The truth is, I am barely coping with my fear and anxiety when everything is going perfectly, so when stuff goes less than perfectly, it really throws me a curve ball. For now, I am just trying to get through the day.
I know that betas that stop doubling nicely can be ominous and unfortunately, the first sign of a pregnancy that isn't doing well can be jittery betas, even if it's only weeks later that the pregnancy actually fails.
Two rather innocuous possibilities for the slower rise:
1) There were two embryos and now there's one....a vanishing twin. My betas have been higher than average, even for a twin pregnancy, according to betabase, though I know there is no hard science to predicting multiples based on betas...high betas can also of course correspond to a singleton who implanted on the earlier side. If there was in fact a vanishing twin, my betas should recover with the next draw.
2) Y suggested that perhaps I was a bit dehydrated for beta #2, artificially raising the result. If you consider only the first and third beta values, the overall doubling time is still within 48 hours.
I am so anxious about the future, but like with everything else, unfortunately only time will tell.
So...I decided I would POAS this morning and if the FRER was clearly getting lighter, I would go in for another draw this morning to confirm a fall, if it looked the same or even darker, I would wait 48h for the next draw....very scientific, I know :)
I had a really weird dream that I was getting some work done in an empty classroom, which apparently involved spreading my possessions about, including a massive collection of saved FRERs from this pregnancy. In the dream, I proceeded to pack up most of my stuff, forgetting the FRERs, and realizing only too late that a class had begun and a bunch of kids were now in the room...WEIRD.
In my second dream, this morning's FRER shattered before I could really interpret the result. And for what it's worth, in reality, today's FRER looked the same as the one from 2 days ago, but since the pregnancy line is so much darker than the control line, it is hard to interpret beyond safely saying that my beta is not likely plummeting.
So now I get back on the waiting train. I know I was a bit dramatic last night....but I was really so sad and disappointed. I know I have a tendency to jump right to the post-mortem before disaster has been confirmed (or sometimes even, denied).
What doesn't help this tendency to jump to the worst conclusion whenever anything is less than perfect is my history. It seems that anytime anything is slightly less than stellar for me pregnancy-wise, it inevitably leads to a succession of events that culminates in something bad.
The truth is, I am barely coping with my fear and anxiety when everything is going perfectly, so when stuff goes less than perfectly, it really throws me a curve ball. For now, I am just trying to get through the day.
I know that betas that stop doubling nicely can be ominous and unfortunately, the first sign of a pregnancy that isn't doing well can be jittery betas, even if it's only weeks later that the pregnancy actually fails.
Two rather innocuous possibilities for the slower rise:
1) There were two embryos and now there's one....a vanishing twin. My betas have been higher than average, even for a twin pregnancy, according to betabase, though I know there is no hard science to predicting multiples based on betas...high betas can also of course correspond to a singleton who implanted on the earlier side. If there was in fact a vanishing twin, my betas should recover with the next draw.
2) Y suggested that perhaps I was a bit dehydrated for beta #2, artificially raising the result. If you consider only the first and third beta values, the overall doubling time is still within 48 hours.
I am so anxious about the future, but like with everything else, unfortunately only time will tell.
Nov 5, 2012
beta blues
I wish those magical two pink lines didn't make my heart sing with glee every time I see them. I wish those magical two pink lines didn't tempt me to fantasize about my dream life, the life I took for granted that would be mine for so many years every time I see them.
Every time so far that I've seen those magical two pink lines, I've been duped, and yet, every time I seem them again, I am filled with renewed hope and anxiety and fear and forboding, yes, but also so much joy too.
Why? Why can't I view those magical two pink lines of a pregnancy test with the same detachment I view the two very unassuming lines on an ovulation predictor stick? Why can't I just learn my lesson? In my world, those magical two pink lines -- they pretty much mean...nothing. But I seem to be very late to the game in accepting this on an emotional level.
The doubling time between betas 1 and 2 was 33 hours -- from 146 at 13dpo to 391 at 15dpo. Those were some pretty strong betas. However, beta 3 at 18dpo was 956, a slowing to a 56 hour doubling time. Coupled with the awful headache and lower back cramps I've had today, I can't help but worry that this pregnancy has begun to fail.
Also, this is ridiculously subjective, I know, but I POAS yesterday morning and the pregnancy line was soooo much darker than the control (it stole most of the dye from the control line), I really think that it would have corresponded to a beta of at least 1000 and that things just took a downturn in the past 24 hours.
I know a beta can take 72 hours to double and it can still be okay. I know the 48 hour doubling time rule is a little arbitrary and that there is a whole spectrum, but I have never had betas not double in 48 hours and had it been okay. Also, these cramps are for real. So, I think I might be pretty close to bidding pregnancy #4 goodbye. I only hope that if it's not meant to be, it won't be a protracted ordeal with unequivocal betas and ultrasounds and that it will end quickly.
I am sad tonight. I really believe in my heart every time that this is the time that will be different, but sometimes to continue trying just feels like punishment. I also believe in my heart that this is a problem with my body and not our embryos.
Every time so far that I've seen those magical two pink lines, I've been duped, and yet, every time I seem them again, I am filled with renewed hope and anxiety and fear and forboding, yes, but also so much joy too.
Why? Why can't I view those magical two pink lines of a pregnancy test with the same detachment I view the two very unassuming lines on an ovulation predictor stick? Why can't I just learn my lesson? In my world, those magical two pink lines -- they pretty much mean...nothing. But I seem to be very late to the game in accepting this on an emotional level.
The doubling time between betas 1 and 2 was 33 hours -- from 146 at 13dpo to 391 at 15dpo. Those were some pretty strong betas. However, beta 3 at 18dpo was 956, a slowing to a 56 hour doubling time. Coupled with the awful headache and lower back cramps I've had today, I can't help but worry that this pregnancy has begun to fail.
Also, this is ridiculously subjective, I know, but I POAS yesterday morning and the pregnancy line was soooo much darker than the control (it stole most of the dye from the control line), I really think that it would have corresponded to a beta of at least 1000 and that things just took a downturn in the past 24 hours.
I know a beta can take 72 hours to double and it can still be okay. I know the 48 hour doubling time rule is a little arbitrary and that there is a whole spectrum, but I have never had betas not double in 48 hours and had it been okay. Also, these cramps are for real. So, I think I might be pretty close to bidding pregnancy #4 goodbye. I only hope that if it's not meant to be, it won't be a protracted ordeal with unequivocal betas and ultrasounds and that it will end quickly.
I am sad tonight. I really believe in my heart every time that this is the time that will be different, but sometimes to continue trying just feels like punishment. I also believe in my heart that this is a problem with my body and not our embryos.
Nov 4, 2012
that other 2ww - TO2WW
The 2ww (or more) between a +hpt and an ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat(s), now fondly dubbed 'TO2WW': biggest mindf*ck ever. Of course its redeeming quality is that it is for a great cause, because until proven otherwise, you are pregnant. Its undoing is that the stakes have been upped over the previous 2ww yet the potential for disaster is still quite high.
After the two pink lines is both the best and worst place that an infertile can be.
Here is a (maybe not so) brief history of the reason why TO2WW makes me nutty:
October 2010 - pregnancy 1 (IUI 2):
Looks like a late implanter, but in Israel all of the drugstore hpts are pretty crappy, so….the most expensive stick I could find, the "Yes or No Professional" test, doesn't yield a faint positive until 14 dpIUI. And the underwhelming 1st beta …
14 dpIUI: 42
18 dpIUI: 279
25 dpIUI: 3576
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 1: Betas start off low but the numbers (more than) double nicely. It is my first pregnancy and I am pretty anxious but I haven't yet actually had a loss so oblivion is still (sort of) my friend at this point. An ultrasound at 5w2d reveals just a GS - but again, I am too naive to think disaster at every turn. I still have some trust in the process and in my body. Brown spotting for a few days during week 6. Ultrasound at 7w3d - no heartbeat - missed m/c. Game over pregnancy #1.
new neuroses developed: Late implantation is an ominous sign of bad things to come. Brown spotting means the baby has died.
November 2011 - pregnancy 2 (IVF #2):
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 2: I am a smart girl and stockpiled FRERs during my trip to the states so pesky subpar hpts won't keep me from a successful pregnancy test this time around (since that was clearly the problem last time). First +hpt 6dp5dt - see these pee sticks are worth their weight in gold! Initial thought: Not a late implanter this time, an auspicious start, in my mind timely implantation = successful pregnancy.
beta 1 (11dp5dt): 308
beta 2 (13dp5dt): 849
Guiding thoughts con't: Well this is definitely different from last time, so hopefully it is going to work out. Wait, no, not enough symptoms…they come, they go away. This shit is crazy. Night before 1st
u/s (6w2d) - I'm not even tired anymore, another missed miscarriage, I think. Arrive to clinic for ultrasound dejected - we both expect bad news (I have also convinced Y without doubt that the pregnancy is doomed because, well, I am not tired anymore, I am not nauseated, etc.). Ultrasound #1 - 2 heartbeats!
Week 9 - start bleeding bright red. Previous experience dictates that blood = dead babies. Shocked and relieved to find out that bleeding is 'only' from a SCH - the same SCH that rears its ugly head again at week 16 and leads to the succession of events that ultimately result in the death of both my beautiful babies, but I don't know that yet.
Week 19-20 - Aminadav's water breaks - PPROM. I lose both my little loves to PPROM/PTL.
new neuroses developed: It's never too late in pregnancy for your bab(ies) to die, either inside of you, or by arriving a few weeks short of viability (or as it also often happens, after…). Bleeding is a harbinger of disaster. If you PPROM before viability, you are in a bad, bad place.
June 2012 - pregnancy 3 (IVF 3):
Day 3 SET after a bumpy cycle and premature luteinization (premature progesterone rise). SET on day 3 is pretty low yield and at this point 6/8 of the embryos we have transferred via IVF have not implanted, so our IVF history doesn't bode so well for day 3 SET, but it is what it is. We are super surprised to get a +hpt at 6dp5dt.
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 3: A singleton pregnancy with strong implantation bodes well for us. There is no reason to believe this won't work, other than the fact that it never has in the past.
beta 1 (12dp3dt): 138
beta 2 (14dp3dt): 139
very early m/c at 5w2d
Continued guiding thoughts: So clearly early implantation and a solid first beta doesn't necessarily stop the pregnancy from falling off a cliff with style. Weird…I thought most chemical pregnancies started with dubiously low betas and late implantation. Seems more likely due to a maternal factor than a genetic problem, but that's just a guess.
new neuroses developed: A +hpt early on or a nice first beta doesn't protect against a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Those beta hCG numbers can come crashing down from anywhere.
October 2012 - pregnancy 4 (Clomid/Prednisone/TI…surprise!)
+hpt 11dpo (I just corrected that from '6dp5dt' - apparently I am still in disbelief that this wasn't an IVF cycle!)
beta 1 (13 dpo): 146
The pee sticks keep getting darker.
Guiding initial thoughts: Expect nothing. All bets are off. Well, a nicer way of saying that is "expect the worst, hope for the best." My symptoms come and go. I understand that every tiny thing could mean either nothing or everything, but only time will tell, and the wait is maddening. I have now been waiting over 72 hours for the results of beta 2 (in Israel I never waited more than 2.5-3.5 hours for a beta result!) and the wait is driving me nuts, as is the knowledge that by the time I receive the result, it will be obsolete (i.e. so 3 days ago!).
new neuroses: Everything. Pregnancy is a mine-field that can be cut short or go wrong at any point due to an endless combination of disasters. But with each new chance, there is always the possibility for all of the stars to align so that we bring home a living child, and that little bit of hope propels us forward, and so we keep on keeping on. In the meantime, I think I need a therapist.
After the two pink lines is both the best and worst place that an infertile can be.
Here is a (maybe not so) brief history of the reason why TO2WW makes me nutty:
October 2010 - pregnancy 1 (IUI 2):
Looks like a late implanter, but in Israel all of the drugstore hpts are pretty crappy, so….the most expensive stick I could find, the "Yes or No Professional" test, doesn't yield a faint positive until 14 dpIUI. And the underwhelming 1st beta …
14 dpIUI: 42
18 dpIUI: 279
25 dpIUI: 3576
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 1: Betas start off low but the numbers (more than) double nicely. It is my first pregnancy and I am pretty anxious but I haven't yet actually had a loss so oblivion is still (sort of) my friend at this point. An ultrasound at 5w2d reveals just a GS - but again, I am too naive to think disaster at every turn. I still have some trust in the process and in my body. Brown spotting for a few days during week 6. Ultrasound at 7w3d - no heartbeat - missed m/c. Game over pregnancy #1.
new neuroses developed: Late implantation is an ominous sign of bad things to come. Brown spotting means the baby has died.
November 2011 - pregnancy 2 (IVF #2):
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 2: I am a smart girl and stockpiled FRERs during my trip to the states so pesky subpar hpts won't keep me from a successful pregnancy test this time around (since that was clearly the problem last time). First +hpt 6dp5dt - see these pee sticks are worth their weight in gold! Initial thought: Not a late implanter this time, an auspicious start, in my mind timely implantation = successful pregnancy.
beta 1 (11dp5dt): 308
beta 2 (13dp5dt): 849
Guiding thoughts con't: Well this is definitely different from last time, so hopefully it is going to work out. Wait, no, not enough symptoms…they come, they go away. This shit is crazy. Night before 1st
u/s (6w2d) - I'm not even tired anymore, another missed miscarriage, I think. Arrive to clinic for ultrasound dejected - we both expect bad news (I have also convinced Y without doubt that the pregnancy is doomed because, well, I am not tired anymore, I am not nauseated, etc.). Ultrasound #1 - 2 heartbeats!
Week 9 - start bleeding bright red. Previous experience dictates that blood = dead babies. Shocked and relieved to find out that bleeding is 'only' from a SCH - the same SCH that rears its ugly head again at week 16 and leads to the succession of events that ultimately result in the death of both my beautiful babies, but I don't know that yet.
Week 19-20 - Aminadav's water breaks - PPROM. I lose both my little loves to PPROM/PTL.
new neuroses developed: It's never too late in pregnancy for your bab(ies) to die, either inside of you, or by arriving a few weeks short of viability (or as it also often happens, after…). Bleeding is a harbinger of disaster. If you PPROM before viability, you are in a bad, bad place.
June 2012 - pregnancy 3 (IVF 3):
Day 3 SET after a bumpy cycle and premature luteinization (premature progesterone rise). SET on day 3 is pretty low yield and at this point 6/8 of the embryos we have transferred via IVF have not implanted, so our IVF history doesn't bode so well for day 3 SET, but it is what it is. We are super surprised to get a +hpt at 6dp5dt.
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 3: A singleton pregnancy with strong implantation bodes well for us. There is no reason to believe this won't work, other than the fact that it never has in the past.
beta 1 (12dp3dt): 138
beta 2 (14dp3dt): 139
very early m/c at 5w2d
Continued guiding thoughts: So clearly early implantation and a solid first beta doesn't necessarily stop the pregnancy from falling off a cliff with style. Weird…I thought most chemical pregnancies started with dubiously low betas and late implantation. Seems more likely due to a maternal factor than a genetic problem, but that's just a guess.
new neuroses developed: A +hpt early on or a nice first beta doesn't protect against a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Those beta hCG numbers can come crashing down from anywhere.
October 2012 - pregnancy 4 (Clomid/Prednisone/TI…surprise!)
+hpt 11dpo (I just corrected that from '6dp5dt' - apparently I am still in disbelief that this wasn't an IVF cycle!)
beta 1 (13 dpo): 146
The pee sticks keep getting darker.
Guiding initial thoughts: Expect nothing. All bets are off. Well, a nicer way of saying that is "expect the worst, hope for the best." My symptoms come and go. I understand that every tiny thing could mean either nothing or everything, but only time will tell, and the wait is maddening. I have now been waiting over 72 hours for the results of beta 2 (in Israel I never waited more than 2.5-3.5 hours for a beta result!) and the wait is driving me nuts, as is the knowledge that by the time I receive the result, it will be obsolete (i.e. so 3 days ago!).
new neuroses: Everything. Pregnancy is a mine-field that can be cut short or go wrong at any point due to an endless combination of disasters. But with each new chance, there is always the possibility for all of the stars to align so that we bring home a living child, and that little bit of hope propels us forward, and so we keep on keeping on. In the meantime, I think I need a therapist.
Oct 31, 2012
the (great) unexpected
So…this is very strange for me. This was something I wasn't anticipating at all. I actually feel pretty uncomfortable writing about it. In my last post, I mentioned that before getting back into the IVF grind I was doing a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle, just to help pass the time.
I also mentioned it was a bit of an experiment - I thought it was a little uncanny that both of the 2/5 IVF transfers when we used Prednisone I conceived. With IVF, there are so many variables, it was obviously impossible to speculate too much about the role of the Prednisone. I did wonder, though, if our problem was really of the implantation/autoimmune variety, whether I might be able to get pregnant with minimal intervention if I was on Prednisone.
It still obviously seemed like a total long-shot with my history -- after 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers you don't realistically expect to get KU with $60 worth of pills. But it happened. Y and I are both shocked that this far-fetched experiment to pass the time before our upcoming IVF consults following the epic Canadian wait has worked…at least so far.
Even if this cycle doesn't result in a successful pregnancy, I think it has taught us a lot. We really need to re-address some of our most basic assumptions about the nature of my infertility and its treatment -- specifically, considering the autoimmune angle.
I got a positive hpt at 11dpo, the day after I wrote my last post. Today my first beta at 13dpo was 146. Obviously, we are feeling very cautious and guarded. We've experienced so many different ways of pregnancy not working out, it feels like a bit of a mine field and it is really hard to have any expectations at all, especially this early.
Also, I have been spotting the last 2 days which makes me pretty nervous, though the first beta helped to allay my fears a little bit. I go back on Friday for beta 2. Please keep us in your thoughts that this turns out well.
I am feeling really guarded in sharing the news this time around even on the blog -- still trying to process this really surprising but obviously extremely welcome news myself.
Here we go again. Let's do this.
I also mentioned it was a bit of an experiment - I thought it was a little uncanny that both of the 2/5 IVF transfers when we used Prednisone I conceived. With IVF, there are so many variables, it was obviously impossible to speculate too much about the role of the Prednisone. I did wonder, though, if our problem was really of the implantation/autoimmune variety, whether I might be able to get pregnant with minimal intervention if I was on Prednisone.
It still obviously seemed like a total long-shot with my history -- after 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers you don't realistically expect to get KU with $60 worth of pills. But it happened. Y and I are both shocked that this far-fetched experiment to pass the time before our upcoming IVF consults following the epic Canadian wait has worked…at least so far.
Even if this cycle doesn't result in a successful pregnancy, I think it has taught us a lot. We really need to re-address some of our most basic assumptions about the nature of my infertility and its treatment -- specifically, considering the autoimmune angle.
I got a positive hpt at 11dpo, the day after I wrote my last post. Today my first beta at 13dpo was 146. Obviously, we are feeling very cautious and guarded. We've experienced so many different ways of pregnancy not working out, it feels like a bit of a mine field and it is really hard to have any expectations at all, especially this early.
Also, I have been spotting the last 2 days which makes me pretty nervous, though the first beta helped to allay my fears a little bit. I go back on Friday for beta 2. Please keep us in your thoughts that this turns out well.
I am feeling really guarded in sharing the news this time around even on the blog -- still trying to process this really surprising but obviously extremely welcome news myself.
Here we go again. Let's do this.
Jun 6, 2012
short, but definitely not sweet
After a week of +hpts, beta #2 was the same as beta #1. My E2 and progesterone seem to still be going up, so I really hope this doesn't turn into a prolonged ordeal and that it's chemical and not ectopic. Damn, I really would have preferred a plain old BFN to this.
Jun 4, 2012
beta #1 (12dp3dt)
Beta #1 = 138. Going back on Wednesday for beta #2. I think this could possibly work, but such a long way to go! Still in shock to be in this place at all.
Nov 23, 2011
betas
I have been the lousiest updater since I got a positive pregnancy test last week. The news so far, though, has actually been really good! I went in for my first beta on Sunday (11dp5dt) and it was 308. My second beta on Tuesday (13dp5dt) was 849. So it would seem that I am undoubtedly pregnant and that things are progressing as they should for now. It is weird to be blogging about pregnancy. Honestly, it makes me a little uncomfortable hence the lack of updates. We will have our first ultrasound late next week, but we are done with betas, so until then I am in a no-data zone. Taking a step back, trusting in my body - wow, that part is really hard. For now I am so grateful to be here, in this place, I just hope I never wake up from this dream.
Aug 4, 2011
beta is zero
My beta wasn't originally scheduled until Sunday, but the nurses had mercy on me and I was able to go in today (11dp3dt) so that my misery of not officially knowing wouldn't be prolonged over the weekend. I got the call around 3pm with the news I already knew:( I am not sure exactly what is next for us.
Jul 4, 2011
IVF #1 = BFN
This morning (12dp3dt) I went in for my beta, which was zero. There were no surprises here- after testing on 9dp3dt I tested again on 11dp3dt with another FRER, so it was pretty obvious to me that neither of those beautiful embryos took. Tonight I indulged in my monthly fertility treatment failure sushi extravaganza, of course complete with a glass of red wine. Is it sad or funny or both that I can measure my failures in sushi dinners?
We started this tradition of going out for sushi whenever a treatment failed and/or AF arrived early on in our (in)fertility journey. I remember many a tearful sushi dinner - dinners when I would just burst into tears at the table and the waiter or waitress and people seated around us would do their best to pretend not to notice or sushi dinners when Y would order for me while I sobbed in the restaurant bathroom.
These days with the arrival of bad news every month, I just look forward to the sushi with gleeful anticipation for raw fish. I am much happier, calmer, and more content at our monthly sushi extravaganza. The evolution of the sushi dinners is an interesting frame of reference in how I have changed over time with respect to how I view my infertility.
I am not going to say that it has gotten easier, but my infertility certainly has taken on a chronic disease-like role in how I view it and how it affects my life. It is now a permanent part of my identity and I continue life with it or in spite of it or around it, whereas once it was a constant state of crisis. That sounds awful, but in some sense it was also hopeful - a state of crisis is temporary, it is not sustainable in the long-term. In a strange way, the sense of crisis was an indulgence. It meant that I saw a way out of the crisis and that I in fact expected a way out any day.
Now I ease my way into that huge plate of sushi with a singular focus toward that deliciously raw salmon and tuna - no tears, none of that rawness or surprise or lack of control that I once felt with each new failure. This is my new normal - how could I expect anything different than for things to continue just as they have been and just as they are? How could I reasonably expect not to fail?
We started this tradition of going out for sushi whenever a treatment failed and/or AF arrived early on in our (in)fertility journey. I remember many a tearful sushi dinner - dinners when I would just burst into tears at the table and the waiter or waitress and people seated around us would do their best to pretend not to notice or sushi dinners when Y would order for me while I sobbed in the restaurant bathroom.
These days with the arrival of bad news every month, I just look forward to the sushi with gleeful anticipation for raw fish. I am much happier, calmer, and more content at our monthly sushi extravaganza. The evolution of the sushi dinners is an interesting frame of reference in how I have changed over time with respect to how I view my infertility.
I am not going to say that it has gotten easier, but my infertility certainly has taken on a chronic disease-like role in how I view it and how it affects my life. It is now a permanent part of my identity and I continue life with it or in spite of it or around it, whereas once it was a constant state of crisis. That sounds awful, but in some sense it was also hopeful - a state of crisis is temporary, it is not sustainable in the long-term. In a strange way, the sense of crisis was an indulgence. It meant that I saw a way out of the crisis and that I in fact expected a way out any day.
Now I ease my way into that huge plate of sushi with a singular focus toward that deliciously raw salmon and tuna - no tears, none of that rawness or surprise or lack of control that I once felt with each new failure. This is my new normal - how could I expect anything different than for things to continue just as they have been and just as they are? How could I reasonably expect not to fail?
Nov 7, 2010
6 week update
Today I am 6w3d. Last Monday I had my 3rd beta draw at 25 dpiui (5w4d). My hcg level was 3567, up from 279 at 18 dpiui, so thankfully my numbers were doubling nicely. We also saw Prof. L that same afternoon. He answered many of our remaining questions about lean PCOS, PCOS and miscarriages, and my over-response to the Clomid last treatment cycle. He did do an u/s, though he warned us that there would likely not be much to see. All we could really see was a small gestational sac, but it did give us peace of mind that at least Baby G implanted in my uterus. Also, we only saw one sac, so while we can't quite yet rule out multiples, all indications point towards a singleton pregnancy.
Prof. L told us that our chances of an early miscarriage are 15%, compared to the normal 10% (50% higher than average), but if we are able to detect a fetal heartbeat, the chance will decrease to ~7% and will again further decrease to 3% at 12 weeks. I am still so scared but at the same time so hopeful, too. When I was struggling to get pregnant, it was difficult to think beyond the excitement and thrill of some time getting a BFP. Now that I am there, I haven't really experienced the ecstacy I imagined because I am so frightened to lose the little life growing inside me. I am so scared of waking up one day soon to "game over" and having to go back to square one with the dreaded fertility treatments.
Everything about this process has been so hard and uncertain until now, it is difficult to imagine that anything could proceed smoothly without lots of emotional pain. In short, after a lot of disappointment, finally being pregnant just feels too good to be true. I am just trying to remember, that even if our odds ARE worse than the average couple, the odds are still in our favor that this pregnancy will continue and we will get our Baby G at the end of it all.
This weekend I had some serious stomach issues. We went up to the Golan for Shabbat and I was scared I was going to not make it during the 3 hour car ride. Thankfully, Y picked up some Zofran before we started our trip and things got much better for me. Since then I have felt much, much better.
Our next u/s will be next Sunday (exactly a week from today) at 7w3d. Unfortunately, Y won't be able to join me because the appointment will be in the middle of the day, the only appointment time we could get. We have another u/s at 9w0d, and then assuming all is well until that point, the next time I will see Prof. L is at 10w0d. I pray that I will get to see our baby's strong and perfect heartbeat next Sunday, the most beautiful image I can possibly imagine.
Oct 25, 2010
Second beta results are in!
Today I had my second beta drawn at 18dpIUI. It was 279. A normal doubling time is every 48 hours and since 4 days ago it was 42, on target would have been 168. I think that we're actually doing pretty well so far! I am starting to let myself imagine what being pregnant and having a baby might actually be like. I guess you could say I am feeling more cautiously optimistic now, but still terrified. Again, each passing day feels like a new milestone. I am so filled with gratitude every morning.
Next week we have an appointment with our RE, Prof. L. I am also hoping we will soon get our first peek of Baby G by u/s in the next couple of weeks. When I had my last u/s 4 days ago, the technician told me that once my beta level reaches 1000, we should be able to see something. So cool. Since we had a lot of follicles, I am also extremely anxious to see whether there is more than one baby in there (that would be Babies G!).
Next week we have an appointment with our RE, Prof. L. I am also hoping we will soon get our first peek of Baby G by u/s in the next couple of weeks. When I had my last u/s 4 days ago, the technician told me that once my beta level reaches 1000, we should be able to see something. So cool. Since we had a lot of follicles, I am also extremely anxious to see whether there is more than one baby in there (that would be Babies G!).
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