a quick week 16 update

I was just updating the "our journey" tab of my blog and it made me so sad to think, when will I ever update the "Aminadav and Naava" tab? I can't believe we are quickly approaching a year since they were born and died. A little trite to say, but it certainly doesn't feel like a year since I lost them and yet my pregnancy with them and the happiness of that time feels like it was so long ago.

I have been thinking lately what I might want to do to acknowledge the one year anniversary of their birth and their death and I am still stumped. I just don't know. Unfortunately, early March is not such a nice time of the year for a special hike or outdoors activity. And of course the creeping thought has occurred to me: Will I still be pregnant with this baby on March 7? G-d I hope so.

I haven't even wrapped my head around what exactly this one year anniversary is - to be born and die on the same day - a birthday and a death day - what is that exactly? A celebration? A somber remembrance? I am not really sure. I guess it is up to us to make up the rules of this day.

In happier news, I had my weekly clinic appointment and the MFM was thrilled with the way my cervix looks. It is measuring around 3.4mm, so I actually gained a bit of length over the past two weeks' measurements, and she said it is curved (not stretched taut) and has a glandular pattern, which is also apparently a good prognostic marker. I am happy to be boring and hope to stay boring for a long time.

We also found out that baby appears to be a GIRL! I am equally thrilled with either prospect, but I was pretty convinced that this babe is a boy, so it was a bit of a surprise :) I had my quad screen drawn this week as well as a bunch of platelet function tests.

My only complaint is that I continue to have weird cramping and what I think are probably sporadic Braxton-Hicks contractions, but painful ones. The various pains definitely put me on edge. I just have no idea what's normal and since I had some pretty significant cramping both before my partial abruption and before my water broke, I never know whether any given 2am cramps are just insignificant, normal pregnancy pains, or whether they are the harbinger of a new disaster.

Does anyone have some ideas of what we might do to acknowledge the one year anniversary of Aminadav and Naava's birth and death? Unfortunately, since we are currently in Canada and they are buried in Israel, visiting the cemetery isn't an option.

in the hospital

I guess I will start at the beginning. Monday morning I woke up in a spectacularly horrible mood. I was insufferably cranky towards Y. By mid-morning I was having fairly intense cramping. Unfortunately, I have had quite a bit of cramping throughout this pregnancy and as a result, I have spent a lot of time wondering whether my pain means something bad or whether it's in the realm of normal. The pain was pretty persistent and honestly I was very uncomfortable, so I decided to leave work in the early afternoon to rest.

That afternoon I was gripped by panic - not because of the cramping, but because I was feeling terrified by the pregnancy in general. It was like a red panic light was going off in my head and I had no idea why. I just was very scared that something terrible was going to happen. I told Y that I thought maybe I should see a therapist - that perhaps after all we had been through infertility-wise, my anxiety was out of control and I wasn't coping well.

In the morning I was still a little uncomfortable but excited to head to our first detailed (aka level 2) scan. The scan went really well - both babies look great and we found out we're expecting a little boy and a little girl. The only thing that was totally bizarre was that I broke out in a cold sweat during the middle of the scan and suddenly felt extremely nauseated.

I went to work in the lab and when I went to pee there was a little blood. I thought it was probably a little irritation from the cervical length check, but then blood started gushing out. Not what I was expecting to see at all. Thankfully, the emergency room is within a 5 minute walk of my research lab. I was very confused given that I just had a good ultrasound, but the ultrasound in the hospital showed a 5cm placental detachment of baby alef's (our son's) placenta. I have been hospital since then. There is really nothing to do at this point but bedrest and to pray that the separation heals. This morning's ultrasound was good, but needless to say, we're pretty scared and we've got a long way to go.