I was just updating the "our journey" tab of my blog and it made me so sad to think, when will I ever update the "Aminadav and Naava" tab? I can't believe we are quickly approaching a year since they were born and died. A little trite to say, but it certainly doesn't feel like a year since I lost them and yet my pregnancy with them and the happiness of that time feels like it was so long ago.
I have been thinking lately what I might want to do to acknowledge the one year anniversary of their birth and their death and I am still stumped. I just don't know. Unfortunately, early March is not such a nice time of the year for a special hike or outdoors activity. And of course the creeping thought has occurred to me: Will I still be pregnant with this baby on March 7? G-d I hope so.
I haven't even wrapped my head around what exactly this one year anniversary is - to be born and die on the same day - a birthday and a death day - what is that exactly? A celebration? A somber remembrance? I am not really sure. I guess it is up to us to make up the rules of this day.
In happier news, I had my weekly clinic appointment and the MFM was thrilled with the way my cervix looks. It is measuring around 3.4mm, so I actually gained a bit of length over the past two weeks' measurements, and she said it is curved (not stretched taut) and has a glandular pattern, which is also apparently a good prognostic marker. I am happy to be boring and hope to stay boring for a long time.
We also found out that baby appears to be a GIRL! I am equally thrilled with either prospect, but I was pretty convinced that this babe is a boy, so it was a bit of a surprise :) I had my quad screen drawn this week as well as a bunch of platelet function tests.
My only complaint is that I continue to have weird cramping and what I think are probably sporadic Braxton-Hicks contractions, but painful ones. The various pains definitely put me on edge. I just have no idea what's normal and since I had some pretty significant cramping both before my partial abruption and before my water broke, I never know whether any given 2am cramps are just insignificant, normal pregnancy pains, or whether they are the harbinger of a new disaster.
Does anyone have some ideas of what we might do to acknowledge the one year anniversary of Aminadav and Naava's birth and death? Unfortunately, since we are currently in Canada and they are buried in Israel, visiting the cemetery isn't an option.
Jan 26, 2013
Jan 21, 2013
these two lands
I hold a kernel of hope deep in my heart that this pregnancy is going to end in a baby that we get to take home. It seems a bit bold and gutsy to confess to that, but it's true. I am not confident in my ability to carry to term, but I think the odds of me getting to something like 28 weeks are much better with a singleton and I think that each new week that passes by with no bleeding bodes well.
Still, it is hard not to be consumed by my fear. This is a different pregnancy, a new pregnancy, and yet it all feels so familiar. I have done this before, walked many miles in these shoes exactly a year before, and we all know how that turned out. Sometimes I even slip up, forget it's not Aminadav and Naava in my belly, and sometimes friends and family slip up, too, asking a question about 'the babies.' If only we really got a do-over, but Aminadav and Naava are still buried in the ground in Israel and in my belly I carry a brand new little one in Canada - the little sister or brother we haven't met yet.
I suppose it makes perfect sense that this winter feels like an extension of last winter and that my pregnancy with this baby feels like an extension of my pregnancy with the twins. After all, this winter and last winter, those babies and this baby are part of the same story and the same journey.
The memories of the terrifying moments are so visceral, so engrained in who I am, it is hard to not constantly relive the sheer terror of my water breaking (exploding really) way too soon and all of the sensory details of the experience.
I was really nervous during the first trimester about an early miscarriage and then I had a brief respite from anxiety, but now I feel my fear slowly creeping back up as I approach the gestation where I began having complications with Aminadav and Naava.
Every morning I wonder is this the day I will go to work, end up in the hospital, and not come home? Is today the day I'll start bleeding or the day my water will break? Is today the beginning of the end, or just the beginning of the beginning, like it should be?
I exist straddling a weird in-between of hope, excitement, and fear. Just like last time, I want to read reviews of fancy stroller models and daydream about baby-wearing and making my own baby food, but in my sleep, I give birth in tens of bizarre and disturbing ways to a baby that is not yet viable. Sometimes in these nightmares the baby is somewhere on the floor but so small I wonder if I will find him at all.
There are limitless demons that can haunt you once one truly awful thing happens - one of those sort of things that isn't supposed to happen. It opens so many new possibilities and avenues of horror. All of the sudden every freak complication seems equally possible because you are one of those people.
The belief that there are those people and then there's you is what keeps your imagination from plunging too deeply into the menagerie of horrors that could befall you. But once you become one of those people that wall comes down and you skate on thin ice because every manner of disaster could happen to you. Suddenly, the improbable odds and freak statistics feel very personal.
So I carry this kernel of hope deep in my heart; this belief that this time will be different but I have another foot grounded in a land of fear and disaster. Praying that in the right time I will land, two feet on the ground, with a screaming, cooing bundle in the 'normal' world - the land of the lucky.
**In mundane medical news, I had a MFM appointment on Thursday. Cervix is funneling a tiny bit at the top, but with fundal pressure, the cervix doesn't go below 2.8-2.9cm and my baseline measurement at 13 weeks was 3.0cm, so there is very little if any change there. The NT results combined with the first trimester screen gives us a 1:29000 odds of trisomy 21 and the appropriate PAPP-A levels combined with u/s suggest that my placenta is functioning well at this point. I think we will do the quad screen at my appointment this week.
I had a hematologist appointment on Friday. They asked me to enroll in a study following pregnancy and medical outcomes of women with bleeding disorders. There is so much known about the role of thrombophilias (clotting) disorders in pregnancy but much less known about the implications of bleeding disorders in pregnancy. The suggestion that my bleeding disorder may have played a role in my abysmal obstetric history is actually pretty unsettling to me.
Still, it is hard not to be consumed by my fear. This is a different pregnancy, a new pregnancy, and yet it all feels so familiar. I have done this before, walked many miles in these shoes exactly a year before, and we all know how that turned out. Sometimes I even slip up, forget it's not Aminadav and Naava in my belly, and sometimes friends and family slip up, too, asking a question about 'the babies.' If only we really got a do-over, but Aminadav and Naava are still buried in the ground in Israel and in my belly I carry a brand new little one in Canada - the little sister or brother we haven't met yet.
I suppose it makes perfect sense that this winter feels like an extension of last winter and that my pregnancy with this baby feels like an extension of my pregnancy with the twins. After all, this winter and last winter, those babies and this baby are part of the same story and the same journey.
The memories of the terrifying moments are so visceral, so engrained in who I am, it is hard to not constantly relive the sheer terror of my water breaking (exploding really) way too soon and all of the sensory details of the experience.
I was really nervous during the first trimester about an early miscarriage and then I had a brief respite from anxiety, but now I feel my fear slowly creeping back up as I approach the gestation where I began having complications with Aminadav and Naava.
Every morning I wonder is this the day I will go to work, end up in the hospital, and not come home? Is today the day I'll start bleeding or the day my water will break? Is today the beginning of the end, or just the beginning of the beginning, like it should be?
I exist straddling a weird in-between of hope, excitement, and fear. Just like last time, I want to read reviews of fancy stroller models and daydream about baby-wearing and making my own baby food, but in my sleep, I give birth in tens of bizarre and disturbing ways to a baby that is not yet viable. Sometimes in these nightmares the baby is somewhere on the floor but so small I wonder if I will find him at all.
There are limitless demons that can haunt you once one truly awful thing happens - one of those sort of things that isn't supposed to happen. It opens so many new possibilities and avenues of horror. All of the sudden every freak complication seems equally possible because you are one of those people.
The belief that there are those people and then there's you is what keeps your imagination from plunging too deeply into the menagerie of horrors that could befall you. But once you become one of those people that wall comes down and you skate on thin ice because every manner of disaster could happen to you. Suddenly, the improbable odds and freak statistics feel very personal.
So I carry this kernel of hope deep in my heart; this belief that this time will be different but I have another foot grounded in a land of fear and disaster. Praying that in the right time I will land, two feet on the ground, with a screaming, cooing bundle in the 'normal' world - the land of the lucky.
**In mundane medical news, I had a MFM appointment on Thursday. Cervix is funneling a tiny bit at the top, but with fundal pressure, the cervix doesn't go below 2.8-2.9cm and my baseline measurement at 13 weeks was 3.0cm, so there is very little if any change there. The NT results combined with the first trimester screen gives us a 1:29000 odds of trisomy 21 and the appropriate PAPP-A levels combined with u/s suggest that my placenta is functioning well at this point. I think we will do the quad screen at my appointment this week.
I had a hematologist appointment on Friday. They asked me to enroll in a study following pregnancy and medical outcomes of women with bleeding disorders. There is so much known about the role of thrombophilias (clotting) disorders in pregnancy but much less known about the implications of bleeding disorders in pregnancy. The suggestion that my bleeding disorder may have played a role in my abysmal obstetric history is actually pretty unsettling to me.
Jan 13, 2013
14.5 weeks - long overdue update!
I am so far behind, I am not really sure where to begin. I often wish I had been much better at documenting my pregnancy with Aminadav and Naava since in the end, my pregnancy was the only time I had with them. I have mused about how I did a good job recording all the mundane details of our fertility treatments and yet I did such a crappy job of documenting the next stage. And here I am again, doing the exact same thing. Actually, I have been even worse about documenting this pregnancy than my pregnancy with the twins.
I suppose it gets back to the age-old question that has boggled many an infertility blogger - how do you blog about the next stage? Who is your audience? And based on your answers to those questions, how comfortable do you feel writing about pregnancy and maybe even parenting?
I still feel pretty uncomfortable writing about pregnancy. I realize this is pretty stupid given that despite several pregnancies, including one that came very close to living take-home children, I know firsthand that pregnancy doesn't necessarily translate into a baby or babies in your arms and that pregnancy isn't always the holy grail to The Other Side. It is just another stage in the journey to The Other Side. Yet regardless of these experiences, it seems like I will never make the easy transition from infertility/baby loss blogging to pregnant after infertility/loss blogging.
But I do still feel a tugging to document this pregnancy for myself, for this babe, and for anyone else out there who is experiencing something similar or will in the future. I am so incredibly grateful for this pregnancy. I still can't believe that it is my current reality. At the same time this pregnancy is also of course really complicated for me emotionally. I am very fearful that it could all be taken away from me at any moment and with each day further I get, I feel the stakes increasing.
I also still desperately miss and long for Aminadav and Naava. I feel like I knew them. I still don't understand why they aren't here with me and I know if they were here, this baby wouldn't exist in the first place. That's complicated. I feel like I knew them. But not this little one. Not yet anyway. I ask all the time: Who are you? Who are you in there?
And while I have not been busy imagining up a personality for this little one, I think of this baby as a he. I am nearly convinced of it. I will honestly be so happy with either a girl or a boy, but I will be a little surprised if this baby is a girl :)
On the practical front, I had my first MFM appointment at 13 weeks. I stopped progesterone supps at 11 weeks and I am now tapering off Prednisone while continuing baby aspirin. We did the NT scan and the first tri screening blood work, but I won't have the results until my next appointment. I was just really satisfied to see that baby was still alive! I am so far very impressed with the MFM - he seems very compassionate and knowledgeable.
At this stage, I will be going to the MFM every other week and they will check cervical length by u/s. I will also continue to be followed by the RPL specialist. At 20 weeks (assuming I get that far), we plan to start progesterone to prevent PTL. Since it is not so clear-cut whether there may have been an element of incompetent cervix in my PPROM and since the 2 D&Cs for retained placenta could have caused cervical damage, cervical change is something they will be closely monitoring. The other thing they will be monitoring closely is my placenta since I had a partial abruption with the twins preceding PPROM. The good news is no bleeding so far in this pregnancy. My next appointment is this Thursday at 15 weeks.
To wrap things up on a light note, here is a recent bump pic. I still treasure my bump pics from my pregnancy with the twins, so I know even if things don't turn out well this time, I'd still like the little momentos. Lastly, in silly news, the most exciting thing that happened this past week was that I got a Snoogle. I can't believe I was deprived of a pregnancy body pillow when I was pregnant with the twins and spent so much time in the hospital and on bed rest - I guess what I didn't know I was missing then couldn't hurt me.
I suppose it gets back to the age-old question that has boggled many an infertility blogger - how do you blog about the next stage? Who is your audience? And based on your answers to those questions, how comfortable do you feel writing about pregnancy and maybe even parenting?
I still feel pretty uncomfortable writing about pregnancy. I realize this is pretty stupid given that despite several pregnancies, including one that came very close to living take-home children, I know firsthand that pregnancy doesn't necessarily translate into a baby or babies in your arms and that pregnancy isn't always the holy grail to The Other Side. It is just another stage in the journey to The Other Side. Yet regardless of these experiences, it seems like I will never make the easy transition from infertility/baby loss blogging to pregnant after infertility/loss blogging.
But I do still feel a tugging to document this pregnancy for myself, for this babe, and for anyone else out there who is experiencing something similar or will in the future. I am so incredibly grateful for this pregnancy. I still can't believe that it is my current reality. At the same time this pregnancy is also of course really complicated for me emotionally. I am very fearful that it could all be taken away from me at any moment and with each day further I get, I feel the stakes increasing.
I also still desperately miss and long for Aminadav and Naava. I feel like I knew them. I still don't understand why they aren't here with me and I know if they were here, this baby wouldn't exist in the first place. That's complicated. I feel like I knew them. But not this little one. Not yet anyway. I ask all the time: Who are you? Who are you in there?
And while I have not been busy imagining up a personality for this little one, I think of this baby as a he. I am nearly convinced of it. I will honestly be so happy with either a girl or a boy, but I will be a little surprised if this baby is a girl :)
On the practical front, I had my first MFM appointment at 13 weeks. I stopped progesterone supps at 11 weeks and I am now tapering off Prednisone while continuing baby aspirin. We did the NT scan and the first tri screening blood work, but I won't have the results until my next appointment. I was just really satisfied to see that baby was still alive! I am so far very impressed with the MFM - he seems very compassionate and knowledgeable.
At this stage, I will be going to the MFM every other week and they will check cervical length by u/s. I will also continue to be followed by the RPL specialist. At 20 weeks (assuming I get that far), we plan to start progesterone to prevent PTL. Since it is not so clear-cut whether there may have been an element of incompetent cervix in my PPROM and since the 2 D&Cs for retained placenta could have caused cervical damage, cervical change is something they will be closely monitoring. The other thing they will be monitoring closely is my placenta since I had a partial abruption with the twins preceding PPROM. The good news is no bleeding so far in this pregnancy. My next appointment is this Thursday at 15 weeks.
To wrap things up on a light note, here is a recent bump pic. I still treasure my bump pics from my pregnancy with the twins, so I know even if things don't turn out well this time, I'd still like the little momentos. Lastly, in silly news, the most exciting thing that happened this past week was that I got a Snoogle. I can't believe I was deprived of a pregnancy body pillow when I was pregnant with the twins and spent so much time in the hospital and on bed rest - I guess what I didn't know I was missing then couldn't hurt me.
Dec 16, 2012
week 10 update
Today I am 10 weeks + 2. I am beginning to gain a little more confidence in this pregnancy, or at least feel a little more positive about our chances of making it through the 1st trimester, but I still worry constantly that everything could change in a second, maybe without me even knowing it.
I know I have written about it many times before, actually in a way that was eerily foreshadowing when I was pregnant with the twins, but I hate how when things go wrong you feel like such a sucker - like how could I have even thought that everything would turn out ok or how was I was oblivious to my fate.
Yet when things go well, you tend to feel just a little smug or you even berate yourself for having so much unfounded anxiety when everything is just dandy. And as I have also written before, of course the only thing separating Mrs. Sucker from Mrs. Smug is, well, the outcome of the pregnancy, but it's really something you have zero control over and sometimes while all available data points to yes, the outcome is still a no.
In the past week, we unearthed the doppler and I've been able to listen to the babe's heartbeat, so that has definitely been reassuring. Morning sickness has steadily gotten worse, which makes sense because it peaked pretty late with the twins, too. So far I have needed IV rehydration twice which is pretty unpleasant, but the intense vomiting (fun!), still hasn't been as frequent as with the twins. I am now taking diclectin a few times a day, which is a combo of vitamin B6 and antihistamine and that does seem to help, though it makes me really drowsy.
I also started packing up clothes that are clearly too tight and I've now taken out my maternity clothes. This feels like a leap of faith that I am just not totally comfortable with, but I am beginning to grow (mostly just bloat, I think) and it is pretty impractical to have all of these clearly too-tight clothes taking up space. I am more comfortable in mat jeans now than my regular jeans, but I don't plan on putting on any maternity shirts until the start of the new year, which will correspond to the beginning of 2nd tri, if I make it that far. I feel like maternity shirts make it really obvious, so in the mean time I prefer sticking to big sweaters.
I am weaning off of progesterone now, though the plan is to continue Prednisone until 12 weeks and then slowly taper between weeks 12-20. Even though I am on a low dose, I am definitely beginning to feel the side effects of 2 months of Prednisone but I can't complain.
I still have so much unresolved grief for Naava and Aminadav, which isn't at all surprising, but this new pregnancy definitely sometimes intensifies my grief. I just wish so so badly I had the chance to really get to know them and raise them. It is all so confusing - I know I wouldn't have THIS little one on the way if they had survived and I feel much more of an attachment to them than I do to this baby (I feel horrible just writing that) and I suppose all of that makes sense because I carried them for much longer and delivered two very real to me little people, whereas at 10 weeks this pregnancy is still obviously much more abstract.
Sometimes it definitely makes me feel guilty, like I am not 100% there for this little one. But I know that should this pregnancy G-d willing continue, my love for this baby will grow and grow, even if it might take me longer to become attached due to my past experiences and my ongoing grief. And little baby, I can't wait to get to know you and learn who YOU are.
I think that is all the news fit to print in our corner...pretty boring, I think, but for now boring is good!
I know I have written about it many times before, actually in a way that was eerily foreshadowing when I was pregnant with the twins, but I hate how when things go wrong you feel like such a sucker - like how could I have even thought that everything would turn out ok or how was I was oblivious to my fate.
Yet when things go well, you tend to feel just a little smug or you even berate yourself for having so much unfounded anxiety when everything is just dandy. And as I have also written before, of course the only thing separating Mrs. Sucker from Mrs. Smug is, well, the outcome of the pregnancy, but it's really something you have zero control over and sometimes while all available data points to yes, the outcome is still a no.
In the past week, we unearthed the doppler and I've been able to listen to the babe's heartbeat, so that has definitely been reassuring. Morning sickness has steadily gotten worse, which makes sense because it peaked pretty late with the twins, too. So far I have needed IV rehydration twice which is pretty unpleasant, but the intense vomiting (fun!), still hasn't been as frequent as with the twins. I am now taking diclectin a few times a day, which is a combo of vitamin B6 and antihistamine and that does seem to help, though it makes me really drowsy.
I also started packing up clothes that are clearly too tight and I've now taken out my maternity clothes. This feels like a leap of faith that I am just not totally comfortable with, but I am beginning to grow (mostly just bloat, I think) and it is pretty impractical to have all of these clearly too-tight clothes taking up space. I am more comfortable in mat jeans now than my regular jeans, but I don't plan on putting on any maternity shirts until the start of the new year, which will correspond to the beginning of 2nd tri, if I make it that far. I feel like maternity shirts make it really obvious, so in the mean time I prefer sticking to big sweaters.
I am weaning off of progesterone now, though the plan is to continue Prednisone until 12 weeks and then slowly taper between weeks 12-20. Even though I am on a low dose, I am definitely beginning to feel the side effects of 2 months of Prednisone but I can't complain.
I still have so much unresolved grief for Naava and Aminadav, which isn't at all surprising, but this new pregnancy definitely sometimes intensifies my grief. I just wish so so badly I had the chance to really get to know them and raise them. It is all so confusing - I know I wouldn't have THIS little one on the way if they had survived and I feel much more of an attachment to them than I do to this baby (I feel horrible just writing that) and I suppose all of that makes sense because I carried them for much longer and delivered two very real to me little people, whereas at 10 weeks this pregnancy is still obviously much more abstract.
Sometimes it definitely makes me feel guilty, like I am not 100% there for this little one. But I know that should this pregnancy G-d willing continue, my love for this baby will grow and grow, even if it might take me longer to become attached due to my past experiences and my ongoing grief. And little baby, I can't wait to get to know you and learn who YOU are.
I think that is all the news fit to print in our corner...pretty boring, I think, but for now boring is good!
Dec 4, 2012
an eventful & stressful week
Sorry for the lack of updating. I still have a hard time writing about pregnancy. I apologize that this will likely get long since I am so far behind. It is always good to type things out, though - I hope that my experiences will be helpful to others and I also like having a written record for myself, too.
The past few days have been incredibly stressful. To rewind a bit, last Thursday I went in for my second scan. In typical fashion, I spent most of the day before day dreaming about a negative result…you know the positive visualizations they teach you to do in fertility mind/body meditations? I tend to take the skills learned there and adapt them for the bad. Anyone else do that?
Instead of visualizing my body doing something great (lots of follicles for IVF, many embryos fertilizing in their dishes, a strong embryo implanting), I visualize the worst in all of its sad, morbid detail and somehow I think this is some sort of amulet against it actually happening.
Or perhaps more accurately, I feel like if I visualize it first, I am easing myself into the possibility of bad news, adjusting my expectations so if something isn't right, I am not shocked, or so I don't feel like the 'fool' again.
There is some famous quote you often see on miscarriage forums about how if you worry about something bad or imagine it in your head and then it does happen, then you've had to live through it twice instead of once (and if it doesn't happen, you've unnecessarily subjected yourself to anxiety and fear). I guess I take the opposite approach -- I believe it is easier to experience the reality of bad news if you are already half-expecting it and have already walked around in it a bit.
Anyhow, enough about neuroses for now! The scan actually went really well. I was measuring 8w0d -- still a day ahead -- and we got a nice strong heartbeat of 167 bpm. Also, we are at the gummy bear stage -- little limb buds beginning to form and I saw the spine, too.
So I left last Thursday's appointment feeling pretty good about things. On Saturday afternoon I got a headache, which over the course of a few hours turned into a bad headache with very severe vomiting. Over the course of about 6 hours, I vomited 15-16 times. I could just not get a grip on the vomiting and I was really miserable. Y brought home IV fluids and Zofran and managed to rehydrate me at home.
Sunday I was still feeling under the weather but had some things planned and yesterday I was really dragging my feet at work -- just didn't feel like myself. Around 3pm I started to get very intense contraction-like pains. After two waves hit (with about 10 minutes in between) I realized it wasn't going away and I left work as quickly as possible, highly suspicious that the contraction-like pain was the early stages of miscarriage. Bleeding all over the place at work is basically one of my worst nightmares, so I high-tailed it out of there.
Managed to make it home and to the couch. The pain was intensifying. In between waves, I was merely uncomfortable, but the contraction-like pains themselves felt EXACTLY like how I felt when I received Cytotec to complete my 1st miscarriage. Y came home and squeezed my hand and we were both so upset. After a couple hours of this with no blood in sight, Y suggested that we head to the ER to see if we could get some idea of what was going on.
We went to the hospital in the city that specializes most in pregnancy issues and has 24/7 ultrasound facilities. The ER was a horrible experience. We waited just over 5 hours to be seen. In the mean time, the contraction-like pain slowed to 15 minute intervals and then 20 and then eventually stopped, thank G-d.
They wouldn't allow me to drink a cup of water over those 5 hours which in retrospect makes me livid (they weren't giving me IV fluids, either). I assume the reasoning is that they don't allow patients complaining of abdominal pain food or water in case they have a surgical abdomen, but after waiting over 5 hours to see a doc, you can be pretty damn sure no one REALLY thought I had a surgical abdomen.
Anyhow, we finally see the doc who doesn't examine me but brings in a portable ultrasound. He says he sees a flicker and suggests I come back in the morning for a full ultrasound and sends me on my way. He also says my labs look fine.
Today I saw the lab results from last night and my ketones were +3, so I don't think there was any doubt that I was at leastly mildly dehydrated. I now suspect that I never fully recovered from my dehydration on Saturday and that I was walking around trying to do too much while dehydrated -- hence setting of the contractions. What is maddening is the three other women being seen for early pregnancy issues who were sitting in the same waiting area all had IV drips and they wouldn't let me have a sip of water or give me fluids! So basically I went to the ER to become more dehydrated than I already was against my will.
I also don't think it would take Dr. House to look over my lab results and my complaints and think "Oh severe dehydration 48 hours ago + current severe cramping + currently throwing ketones - must be dehydrated!" But since I didn't have access to my lab results while we were in the ER, I never got the opportunity to put 2 and 2 together.
This morning's ultrasound was good, thank G-d. I am still really shaken, though - that level of pain was really unnerving and definitely not normal. They sent me to a nurse to get the results. She had a prepared speech that the risk of miscarriage at this point is 50/50. Even I the eternal pessimist call bullshit on that.
Maybe the risk of miscarriage is 50/50 around the time of implantation, but after seeing a good heartbeat and good progression over the course of 3 ultrasounds (now 8.5 wks), I am quite sure the risk of miscarriage is well below 50%.
I asked her whether the chance of a miscarriage might be lower based on seeing a good heartbeat on multiple occasions in hopes that she would revise the 50/50 statement and she said "Yes -- definitely -- once you see a heartbeat at the NT scan and then at the anatomy scan at 18-20 weeks, the chance of miscarriage is much less."
She then went on to describe if the baby is healthy and no anatomical problems are found at the anatomy scan, you are almost home free. If she is an OB/gyn nurse, I would hope that she knows that most late pregnancy loss is due to maternal factors. I thought it was super ironic that she was telling me that a good anatomy scan means you are almost home free less than a minute after I told her I had a partial abruption followed by PPROM at 19 weeks, while she was reviewing my history. The whole experience just made me upset.
Right now I am feeling incredibly grateful to still be pregnant but really down-trodden over the events of the past few days. This is the hospital that deals most with high-risk pregnancy and the place where I will be receiving my care and frankly, so far I have found the level of care appalling compared to Israel and I have very little confidence in them, which is a really sucky feeling.
The past few days have been incredibly stressful. To rewind a bit, last Thursday I went in for my second scan. In typical fashion, I spent most of the day before day dreaming about a negative result…you know the positive visualizations they teach you to do in fertility mind/body meditations? I tend to take the skills learned there and adapt them for the bad. Anyone else do that?
Instead of visualizing my body doing something great (lots of follicles for IVF, many embryos fertilizing in their dishes, a strong embryo implanting), I visualize the worst in all of its sad, morbid detail and somehow I think this is some sort of amulet against it actually happening.
Or perhaps more accurately, I feel like if I visualize it first, I am easing myself into the possibility of bad news, adjusting my expectations so if something isn't right, I am not shocked, or so I don't feel like the 'fool' again.
There is some famous quote you often see on miscarriage forums about how if you worry about something bad or imagine it in your head and then it does happen, then you've had to live through it twice instead of once (and if it doesn't happen, you've unnecessarily subjected yourself to anxiety and fear). I guess I take the opposite approach -- I believe it is easier to experience the reality of bad news if you are already half-expecting it and have already walked around in it a bit.
Anyhow, enough about neuroses for now! The scan actually went really well. I was measuring 8w0d -- still a day ahead -- and we got a nice strong heartbeat of 167 bpm. Also, we are at the gummy bear stage -- little limb buds beginning to form and I saw the spine, too.
So I left last Thursday's appointment feeling pretty good about things. On Saturday afternoon I got a headache, which over the course of a few hours turned into a bad headache with very severe vomiting. Over the course of about 6 hours, I vomited 15-16 times. I could just not get a grip on the vomiting and I was really miserable. Y brought home IV fluids and Zofran and managed to rehydrate me at home.
Sunday I was still feeling under the weather but had some things planned and yesterday I was really dragging my feet at work -- just didn't feel like myself. Around 3pm I started to get very intense contraction-like pains. After two waves hit (with about 10 minutes in between) I realized it wasn't going away and I left work as quickly as possible, highly suspicious that the contraction-like pain was the early stages of miscarriage. Bleeding all over the place at work is basically one of my worst nightmares, so I high-tailed it out of there.
Managed to make it home and to the couch. The pain was intensifying. In between waves, I was merely uncomfortable, but the contraction-like pains themselves felt EXACTLY like how I felt when I received Cytotec to complete my 1st miscarriage. Y came home and squeezed my hand and we were both so upset. After a couple hours of this with no blood in sight, Y suggested that we head to the ER to see if we could get some idea of what was going on.
We went to the hospital in the city that specializes most in pregnancy issues and has 24/7 ultrasound facilities. The ER was a horrible experience. We waited just over 5 hours to be seen. In the mean time, the contraction-like pain slowed to 15 minute intervals and then 20 and then eventually stopped, thank G-d.
They wouldn't allow me to drink a cup of water over those 5 hours which in retrospect makes me livid (they weren't giving me IV fluids, either). I assume the reasoning is that they don't allow patients complaining of abdominal pain food or water in case they have a surgical abdomen, but after waiting over 5 hours to see a doc, you can be pretty damn sure no one REALLY thought I had a surgical abdomen.
Anyhow, we finally see the doc who doesn't examine me but brings in a portable ultrasound. He says he sees a flicker and suggests I come back in the morning for a full ultrasound and sends me on my way. He also says my labs look fine.
Today I saw the lab results from last night and my ketones were +3, so I don't think there was any doubt that I was at leastly mildly dehydrated. I now suspect that I never fully recovered from my dehydration on Saturday and that I was walking around trying to do too much while dehydrated -- hence setting of the contractions. What is maddening is the three other women being seen for early pregnancy issues who were sitting in the same waiting area all had IV drips and they wouldn't let me have a sip of water or give me fluids! So basically I went to the ER to become more dehydrated than I already was against my will.
I also don't think it would take Dr. House to look over my lab results and my complaints and think "Oh severe dehydration 48 hours ago + current severe cramping + currently throwing ketones - must be dehydrated!" But since I didn't have access to my lab results while we were in the ER, I never got the opportunity to put 2 and 2 together.
This morning's ultrasound was good, thank G-d. I am still really shaken, though - that level of pain was really unnerving and definitely not normal. They sent me to a nurse to get the results. She had a prepared speech that the risk of miscarriage at this point is 50/50. Even I the eternal pessimist call bullshit on that.
Maybe the risk of miscarriage is 50/50 around the time of implantation, but after seeing a good heartbeat and good progression over the course of 3 ultrasounds (now 8.5 wks), I am quite sure the risk of miscarriage is well below 50%.
I asked her whether the chance of a miscarriage might be lower based on seeing a good heartbeat on multiple occasions in hopes that she would revise the 50/50 statement and she said "Yes -- definitely -- once you see a heartbeat at the NT scan and then at the anatomy scan at 18-20 weeks, the chance of miscarriage is much less."
She then went on to describe if the baby is healthy and no anatomical problems are found at the anatomy scan, you are almost home free. If she is an OB/gyn nurse, I would hope that she knows that most late pregnancy loss is due to maternal factors. I thought it was super ironic that she was telling me that a good anatomy scan means you are almost home free less than a minute after I told her I had a partial abruption followed by PPROM at 19 weeks, while she was reviewing my history. The whole experience just made me upset.
Right now I am feeling incredibly grateful to still be pregnant but really down-trodden over the events of the past few days. This is the hospital that deals most with high-risk pregnancy and the place where I will be receiving my care and frankly, so far I have found the level of care appalling compared to Israel and I have very little confidence in them, which is a really sucky feeling.
Nov 21, 2012
our little squiggly & welcome iclw
Today we went in for our first ultrasound - a day earlier than planned due to some pretty bad cramping I've been having. I have been really terrified the past few days, so I was really happy to get it over with. Thankfully, the news is good.
We have one beautiful squiggly measuring a day ahead (6w6d) with a heart rate of 139bpm. I am happy. I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a very long time. I was terrified that we would see an empty sac, but I was also really scared we'd see more than one baby. Twins are so special and wonderful, but after losing Aminadav and Naava, a twin pregnancy is too risky for us. With a singleton, I hope I will have a good shot of carrying close to term. Of course we have a LONG way to go before we are back to the prematurity/PTL concerns.
I will do another ultrasound next Thursday and then we will take it from there. This was my first pregnancy-related ultrasound in Canada and it was weird to me that they didn't allow Y into the room, didn't let me see the screen, and would only give me results via my doctor. It felt really paternalistic to be honest. However, they did give me a nice picture of Squiggly. It feels so strange to say that I am feeling happy and peaceful, but it's true!
For those just joining us through ICLW, welcome! For a brief recap, we recently learned that we are rather unexpectedly though wonderfully pregnant after a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle while waiting to start a new IVF. We started fertility treatments in August 2010 and since then we've done 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers (3 fresh, 2 frozen).
We've had many failed treatment cycles and several losses - two early miscarriages and the loss of our beautiful twins, Aminadav and Naava, who were born catastrophically early last March due to PPROM/PTL.
This blog has been an infertility blog turned pregnancy after infertility blog turned infertility blog many times over. Through the past few years, I've written quite a bit about unexplained infertility, the IVF process, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy, and baby loss. The posts that are most meaningful to me are those about Aminadav and Naava, my lost hopes and dreams for them, and my grief.
Whatever brings you to our community, I am so sorry for your struggles. This is a sucky club to be a part of, but thankfully for us it is populated by many courageous, funny, resilient, and bright women.
We have one beautiful squiggly measuring a day ahead (6w6d) with a heart rate of 139bpm. I am happy. I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a very long time. I was terrified that we would see an empty sac, but I was also really scared we'd see more than one baby. Twins are so special and wonderful, but after losing Aminadav and Naava, a twin pregnancy is too risky for us. With a singleton, I hope I will have a good shot of carrying close to term. Of course we have a LONG way to go before we are back to the prematurity/PTL concerns.
I will do another ultrasound next Thursday and then we will take it from there. This was my first pregnancy-related ultrasound in Canada and it was weird to me that they didn't allow Y into the room, didn't let me see the screen, and would only give me results via my doctor. It felt really paternalistic to be honest. However, they did give me a nice picture of Squiggly. It feels so strange to say that I am feeling happy and peaceful, but it's true!
For those just joining us through ICLW, welcome! For a brief recap, we recently learned that we are rather unexpectedly though wonderfully pregnant after a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle while waiting to start a new IVF. We started fertility treatments in August 2010 and since then we've done 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers (3 fresh, 2 frozen).
We've had many failed treatment cycles and several losses - two early miscarriages and the loss of our beautiful twins, Aminadav and Naava, who were born catastrophically early last March due to PPROM/PTL.
This blog has been an infertility blog turned pregnancy after infertility blog turned infertility blog many times over. Through the past few years, I've written quite a bit about unexplained infertility, the IVF process, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy, and baby loss. The posts that are most meaningful to me are those about Aminadav and Naava, my lost hopes and dreams for them, and my grief.
Whatever brings you to our community, I am so sorry for your struggles. This is a sucky club to be a part of, but thankfully for us it is populated by many courageous, funny, resilient, and bright women.
Nov 17, 2012
quiet
I know I have slipped back into my cocoon the last week or so. There is not so much to say about my pregnancy. It is basically a black box until our first ultrasound on Thursday (7 weeks).
The days are passing very slowly and I constantly worry that my symptoms are too mild. But I suppose it boils down to something pretty simple -- either there will be a heartbeat(s) on Thursday or there won't be.
It is a little haunting how this pregnancy came almost exactly a year after my pregnancy with the twins. The two due dates are just 15 days apart. I can't help but be transformed back to last November -- every little detail of where we were, of how my pregnancy with the twins began to unfold. But it is strangely comforting, too. I feel Naava and Aminadav's presence more strongly now. It is a sweet, bright presence that brings me nostalgia and warmth.
Israel has obviously been weighing heavily on my mind. Seeing on the news what it going on back home and not being there -- it is all very strange. Also, now living outside of Israel and seeing the way (some) of the outside world views the conflict is truly distressing and frightening to me. Those who question the right of Israel to exist and defend herself disturb me greatly.
Here's to a quieter, calmer week for everyone.
The days are passing very slowly and I constantly worry that my symptoms are too mild. But I suppose it boils down to something pretty simple -- either there will be a heartbeat(s) on Thursday or there won't be.
It is a little haunting how this pregnancy came almost exactly a year after my pregnancy with the twins. The two due dates are just 15 days apart. I can't help but be transformed back to last November -- every little detail of where we were, of how my pregnancy with the twins began to unfold. But it is strangely comforting, too. I feel Naava and Aminadav's presence more strongly now. It is a sweet, bright presence that brings me nostalgia and warmth.
Israel has obviously been weighing heavily on my mind. Seeing on the news what it going on back home and not being there -- it is all very strange. Also, now living outside of Israel and seeing the way (some) of the outside world views the conflict is truly distressing and frightening to me. Those who question the right of Israel to exist and defend herself disturb me greatly.
Here's to a quieter, calmer week for everyone.
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