and I'm back...

It's been a few days over a year since I last posted and I am ready to start this up again. We started TTC again in March 2014. I weaned N around that time for fertility reasons, which was a difficult choice.

In early June we thawed our four frozen day 3 embryos. Our hope was to thaw them on day 3 and try to grow them to day 5 and then do SET if any of them made it blastocyst. We knew the embryos weren't great quality and we didn't want to transfer more than one because we were explicitly trying to avoid twins because of what happened with our first twin pregnancy. We figured growing to day 5 would be a good selection device.

I guess it was too good of a selection device, because after preparing a fluffy lining with a couple of weeks of estrogen, none of the embryos progressed to day 5 after thawing. It was disappointing to have nothing to transfer, but I guess it also wasn't shocking since we knew the embryos weren't great and I didn't regret that we chose to attempt a day 5 transfer.

After the transfer that never was, I had a meeting with my RE to decide where to go from there. I knew that I wanted to get pregnant soon and never having had a spontaneous pregnancy, I knew that I wanted to continue with treatment. I was uncertain whether I wanted to start with something less invasive and emotionally consuming like Clomid IUI or whether I wanted to dive right back into a fresh IVF cycle. I also didn't know what our health fund would cover based on our circumstances at the moment.

Our RE advised that he would support me in whatever treatment that I wanted to do and in whatever order or combination I wanted, but that he still thought IVF was our most efficient path to pregnancy. Fair enough. After talking it over with Y and some soul-searching, we decided to proceed with our fourth fresh IVF in July 2014.

We did the antagonist protocol and the stimulation went fine. We got 10 eggs, which is pretty standard for me. Unfortunately, only 5 fertilized with ICSI which is a pretty low fertilization rate for us. Our embryos were in an incubator with an embryoscope, a time lapse imaging system that takes video of the developing embryos. It is a pretty cool recent invention that is supposed to help in embryo selection and gives the embryologist and RE real-time info about the embryos without disturbing them in the incubator.

Our hope was still to do a day 5 SET but based on our lower fertilization rate and underwhelming embryo quality, my RE advised we do a day 3 transfer. We weren't so psyched about this, both because day 3 hadn't brought us success in the past and because suddenly it made the question of how many embryos to transfer much more confusing, since day 3 SET doesn't have such great results.

The day of the embryo transfer, the embryologist and our RE reviewed the video clips from the embryoscope. Our RE told us none of the embryos were more than 6-cell, all had significant fragmentation, and none of them met the freezing criteria. He and the embryologist recommended that we transfer three (!) We decided to settle for two, even though Y had significant reservations since we were (and are) still both traumatized from the pregnancy with Aminadav and Naava.

Needless to say, much to the shock of our RE and myself (and not to Y), we got pregnant with twins again. I am now 17w3d pregnant with a boy and a girl, and it's been a challenging and scary road so far. I had light bleeding from weeks 5-7 due to a subchorionic hematoma. At the NT scan I was diagnosed with partial placenta previa, and during week 13 I was hospitalized due to a major bleed. This was really scary since chronic bleeding is what we believed caused PPROM (premature rupture of membranes) with Aminadav and Naava -- basically due to blood wearing down the amniotic sac like sandpaper. I rested at home for a week and then returned to work.

I also had a worrisome cervical length ultrasound about a week ago. It shortened significantly based on that measurement but then when another technician measured it a few days later, all was good. I am not sure whether my cervix is dynamic or whether maybe the first measurement was incorrect or what, but I will ask my doctor what she thinks when I have my regular appointment next week.

This whole ride is very scary for us....every day I just feel thankful to wake up still pregnant. The only way through this is to make it to each new day as uneventfully as possible -- 10.5 weeks til our first big goal. Meanwhile, N fills our lives with so much joy (and activity!). We are so blessed to have her here with us.

the (great) unexpected

So…this is very strange for me. This was something I wasn't anticipating at all. I actually feel pretty uncomfortable writing about it. In my last post, I mentioned that before getting back into the IVF grind I was doing a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle, just to help pass the time.

I also mentioned it was a bit of an experiment - I thought it was a little uncanny that both of the 2/5 IVF transfers when we used Prednisone I conceived. With IVF, there are so many variables, it was obviously impossible to speculate too much about the role of the Prednisone. I did wonder, though, if our problem was really of the implantation/autoimmune variety, whether I might be able to get pregnant with minimal intervention if I was on Prednisone.

It still obviously seemed like a total long-shot with my history -- after 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers you don't realistically expect to get KU with $60 worth of pills. But it happened. Y and I are both shocked that this far-fetched experiment to pass the time before our upcoming IVF consults following the epic Canadian wait has worked…at least so far.

Even if this cycle doesn't result in a successful pregnancy, I think it has taught us a lot. We really need to re-address some of our most basic assumptions about the nature of my infertility and its treatment -- specifically, considering the autoimmune angle.

I got a positive hpt at 11dpo, the day after I wrote my last post. Today my first beta at 13dpo was 146. Obviously, we are feeling very cautious and guarded. We've experienced so many different ways of pregnancy not working out, it feels like a bit of a mine field and it is really hard to have any expectations at all, especially this early.

Also, I have been spotting the last 2 days which makes me pretty nervous, though the first beta helped to allay my fears a little bit. I go back on Friday for beta 2. Please keep us in your thoughts that this turns out well.

I am feeling really guarded in sharing the news this time around even on the blog -- still trying to process this really surprising but obviously extremely welcome news myself.

Here we go again. Let's do this.

beta #1 (12dp3dt)

Beta #1 = 138. Going back on Wednesday for beta #2. I think this could possibly work, but such a long way to go! Still in shock to be in this place at all.

speechless

Please body, please G-d, please universe, please random chance: let this be good.

two lines

I will cut right to the chase - I POAS this morning (6dp5dt) and I saw two lines. Holy crap. I was such a crying, blubbering mess I think Y thought someone had died. When I finally managed to successfully communicate to him why I was hysterical, he was so confused that it wasn't bad news! Can't believe one year ago today I was in the hospital miscarrying and today I saw this unbelievable thing. It feels totally other-worldly. My E2 is very low so I started estrogen pills today...I hope the E2 won't be a big problem. Beta isn't until Sunday. We still have an incredibly long way to go, but I am in shock to have made it to here.

Please send good vibes to my dear cycle buddy & friend T that she will get some great news over the next few days.

Must pee on stick.

After looking at stark white pregnancy tests month after month for just shy of a year, we finally got the miracle we had been hoping and praying for last week: a second line. I remember when we first started TTC, I used to think that maybe if only I could find a better or more sensitive pregnancy test, I could will that second line to appear. With each passing cycle, I would think that positive pregnancy tests were something that clearly happened to other people. Eventually, I came to believe I would never see a second line. Still, every month, I would habitually enter my POAS craze near the end of every cycle. I couldn't help myself. I was an addict. An addict who likes pain and heartache and blank white test windows.

This month, 11 dpIUI happened to be our wedding anniversary. Like the masochistic moron that I am, I decided that there was no better way to kick off our anniversary celebration than to POAS and get the requisite BFN. With that out of the way, I spent the rest of the day sulking. We had NINE freaking follicles (3-4 of which were mature, we weren't going for an Octomom thing here), I triggered with hCG at just the right time, and the timing of our IUI was perfect--if I couldn't get pregnant with that, I am completely helpless, I thought. In fact, I was feeling so despondent I seriously considered asking Y if we could push off our anniversary dinner. In the end, I sucked it up and we went out and had a wonderful evening during which I drank WAY too much wine for a pregnant woman (but how could I have known? :)

As soon as we left the restaurant and started walking back to the car I started to feel terrible. I was crampy, sweaty, clammy, and to be fully honest, either about to vomit or get the runs--which one was unclear. As I lay scrunched up in fetal position in bed on the eve of our anniversary I was feeling pretty full of self-pity. "I have a stomach virus and killer PMS," I thought. Awesome. The next day I felt no better.

The following morning, when I was still feeling like crap and AF had stayed away, I could resist no longer. MUST PEE ON STICK. Too bad I was donating my last FRER from my "American" stash to the cause and would have none left for later. The test generated a true curiosity: a faint faint hint of a faint faint hint of a second line barely visible to the human eye. Y confirmed that he saw what I saw, he also confirmed that as far as he was concerned it was a 100% completely positively negative pregnancy test.
Can you see it? Probably not unless you use your imagination.

The next day, 14dpIUI, AF had still not shown and my temp was still high. This was just getting curioser and curioser to a seasoned TTC sleuth like myself. Out of stock of FRERs but not defeated, I peed on the most sensitive and expensive Israeli stick I could find, the "Yes or No Professional" test. Behold, there was a very faint but undeniably present second line. I had imagined this moment so long--I can't say I reacted quite as dramatically as I had envisioned it. My hands got all shaky holding the pee stick and I said in a high-pitched voice, as if I was posing a sensitive and uncomfortable question, "Y, I think I'm pregnant?" My naysayer husband even agreed it was true, this was a positive pregnancy test.
That's a bit more like it. I think this picture makes it look lighter than it was:-/

Next, I headed to the fertility clinic, where I had my first beta drawn to confirm the pregnancy and an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries weren't overstimulated from the fertility drugs. My first beta came back on the lower side of normal for 14dpIUI at 42. Tomorrow, I head back for my second beta--the indication that things are going well will be to see a clear doubling pattern every 48 hours. Today, I am 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Based on the date of my IUI, our EDD is 6/30/11. Baby G is just the size of a poppy seed! Still, lots of action and growing is going on. The amniotic cavity and the placenta are forming. Baby G is transforming from a miraculous little ball of cells (the blastocyst) to an embryo with three different layers that will soon start differentiating into organs.

I have been so wracked with fear. Just to have reached this point feels like a miracle, after many months of waiting and hoping and praying. Despite my fears, I am trying to be positive. I believe in my heart that this will be our sticky, healthy, take-home baby, and for now that faith will have to be enough. Today-17 dpIUI - 'pregnant' popped up quickly (POAS note: got
a CBE digital 2-pack in America only for the purpose of seeing
'pregnant' appear once I already knew I was pregnant:)