Post-Miscarriage Follow-up

Today I had my miscarriage follow-up appointment with Prof. L. It was my first time back to the fertility clinic since the miscarriage, and let me tell you, I don't miss that place at all. First, the receptionists gave me a really hard time for being there at all, since appointments during the morning clinic hours are generally reserved for women who are actively cycling. Interestingly, the receptionist giving me the hardest time was the one who scheduled the freaking appointment with Prof. L. right there, who told her to schedule the appointment for that time. Of course I wanted to pull my hair out and I was feeling extra sensitive in general since it was my first time back after the miscarriage.

The good news is that the miscarriage is complete - both the ultrasound and exam confirmed this. I never thought I would be so relieved by the sight of an empty uterus. I just stopped spotting 2 days ago, so now we wait patiently until AF arrives. The plan is then to do another Clomid/IUI cycle, since that's what worked last time. We'll also repeat CD3 b/w, as well as testosterone and DHEAS. Also, I was clearly a little upset, both by discussing the miscarriage and by the hard time the receptionists gave me, but Prof. L. was super reassuring as usual, and encouraged me to call him directly on his cell phone to keep him posted or with any problems.

Crazy IF thought of the day while observing the throngs of new moms with over-priced strollers bedecked with over-priced accessories during my visit to the Mother & Child Center for my ultrasound: If I'm not pregnant by this time next year, I'm buying Harriet [the cat] a Bugaboo frog for Chanukah...with a little parasol.

In other news, I have a nasty cold with fever and left work early. Really, it's just an annoyance, but I still feel like crap.

Harder than we imagined, stronger than we thought

The physical part of the miscarriage has been much harder than we thought. After reading the experiences of others with Cytotec, I knew it was a dreadful drug. In addition, a miscarriage in of itself, whether induced or natural is no picnic to begin with. Still, I think Y and I both underestimated the physical pain and the physical recovery.

I had it in my head that the worst of it (physically) would be over after 48 hours and that after that, the pain and bleeding would be similar to a very heavy period. In truth, the heaviest bleeding didn't occur until 3-5 days after the Cytotec and while the worst pain was definitely a few hours after they put the Cytotec in, I had intermittent severe pain that was completely incapacitating until today.

The mornings have generally been my good hours, with the worst pain in the late afternoon and evening. Luckily, Y has been home for most of the severe pain. Without him and his grade A back rubbing and culinary skills, I wouldn't be able to be manage. Finally, this morning (Sunday), which marked 7 days since the Cytotec, I was able to get up in the morning and feel functional.

Since I hadn't had a "good" straight 24 hours, Y thought I should take today off, too. In the end, I decided that today was a gamble but a week was enough, and it was time to tough it out and see if I could make it through the day. It was definitely the right choice. I made it through a hectic day and it felt right to get out of the house for the first time in 7 days and face the outside world.

Only 2 of my co-workers know about the miscarriage. The rest, including my boss, just know that I was out with some vague illness (however, my boss does know that I was hospitalized because Y called him to say I'd be out for the week when I was being admitted). In some ways, it feels odd that people think I've been out with "flu", but on the other hand, the ones who do know have of course managed to put their foot in their mouth ("You are so young and healthy." "At least it was your first." "It's not the end of the world." "You shouldn't worry." "Haha, now you don't even have an excuse to yawn.") You know, all the standard gems. Whatever.

Part of me wishes that I could muster up the gumption to respond and make them very uncomfortable. The truth is, I know people mean no malice. I have learned umpteenth times from the first "Just relax and it will happen" that many smart people are totally moronic when it comes to "consoling" or "counseling" those of us with fertility problems.

I think part of it stems from the fact that trouble TTC or IF is something that many fertile women think they can relate to, since to some extent it does fall within their spectrum of personal experiences (i.e. most women in a committed relationship have indeed gone through the life experience of trying to getting pregnant). They just sort of miss out on the nuances of how the experience might be completely different if you're, you know, broken.

Anyways...I am proud of myself that I went back to work and had such a productive day. Physically this has been much harder than we imagined but emotionally, I think we are perhaps more resilient than we thought. We'll take what we can get.