Today I am 10 weeks + 2. I am beginning to gain a little more confidence in this pregnancy, or at least feel a little more positive about our chances of making it through the 1st trimester, but I still worry constantly that everything could change in a second, maybe without me even knowing it.
I know I have written about it many times before, actually in a way that was eerily foreshadowing when I was pregnant with the twins, but I hate how when things go wrong you feel like such a sucker - like how could I have even thought that everything would turn out ok or how was I was oblivious to my fate.
Yet when things go well, you tend to feel just a little smug or you even berate yourself for having so much unfounded anxiety when everything is just dandy. And as I have also written before, of course the only thing separating Mrs. Sucker from Mrs. Smug is, well, the outcome of the pregnancy, but it's really something you have zero control over and sometimes while all available data points to yes, the outcome is still a no.
In the past week, we unearthed the doppler and I've been able to listen to the babe's heartbeat, so that has definitely been reassuring. Morning sickness has steadily gotten worse, which makes sense because it peaked pretty late with the twins, too. So far I have needed IV rehydration twice which is pretty unpleasant, but the intense vomiting (fun!), still hasn't been as frequent as with the twins. I am now taking diclectin a few times a day, which is a combo of vitamin B6 and antihistamine and that does seem to help, though it makes me really drowsy.
I also started packing up clothes that are clearly too tight and I've now taken out my maternity clothes. This feels like a leap of faith that I am just not totally comfortable with, but I am beginning to grow (mostly just bloat, I think) and it is pretty impractical to have all of these clearly too-tight clothes taking up space. I am more comfortable in mat jeans now than my regular jeans, but I don't plan on putting on any maternity shirts until the start of the new year, which will correspond to the beginning of 2nd tri, if I make it that far. I feel like maternity shirts make it really obvious, so in the mean time I prefer sticking to big sweaters.
I am weaning off of progesterone now, though the plan is to continue Prednisone until 12 weeks and then slowly taper between weeks 12-20. Even though I am on a low dose, I am definitely beginning to feel the side effects of 2 months of Prednisone but I can't complain.
I still have so much unresolved grief for Naava and Aminadav, which isn't at all surprising, but this new pregnancy definitely sometimes intensifies my grief. I just wish so so badly I had the chance to really get to know them and raise them. It is all so confusing - I know I wouldn't have THIS little one on the way if they had survived and I feel much more of an attachment to them than I do to this baby (I feel horrible just writing that) and I suppose all of that makes sense because I carried them for much longer and delivered two very real to me little people, whereas at 10 weeks this pregnancy is still obviously much more abstract.
Sometimes it definitely makes me feel guilty, like I am not 100% there for this little one. But I know that should this pregnancy G-d willing continue, my love for this baby will grow and grow, even if it might take me longer to become attached due to my past experiences and my ongoing grief. And little baby, I can't wait to get to know you and learn who YOU are.
I think that is all the news fit to print in our corner...pretty boring, I think, but for now boring is good!
Showing posts with label early pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label early pregnancy. Show all posts
Dec 16, 2012
Dec 4, 2012
an eventful & stressful week
Sorry for the lack of updating. I still have a hard time writing about pregnancy. I apologize that this will likely get long since I am so far behind. It is always good to type things out, though - I hope that my experiences will be helpful to others and I also like having a written record for myself, too.
The past few days have been incredibly stressful. To rewind a bit, last Thursday I went in for my second scan. In typical fashion, I spent most of the day before day dreaming about a negative result…you know the positive visualizations they teach you to do in fertility mind/body meditations? I tend to take the skills learned there and adapt them for the bad. Anyone else do that?
Instead of visualizing my body doing something great (lots of follicles for IVF, many embryos fertilizing in their dishes, a strong embryo implanting), I visualize the worst in all of its sad, morbid detail and somehow I think this is some sort of amulet against it actually happening.
Or perhaps more accurately, I feel like if I visualize it first, I am easing myself into the possibility of bad news, adjusting my expectations so if something isn't right, I am not shocked, or so I don't feel like the 'fool' again.
There is some famous quote you often see on miscarriage forums about how if you worry about something bad or imagine it in your head and then it does happen, then you've had to live through it twice instead of once (and if it doesn't happen, you've unnecessarily subjected yourself to anxiety and fear). I guess I take the opposite approach -- I believe it is easier to experience the reality of bad news if you are already half-expecting it and have already walked around in it a bit.
Anyhow, enough about neuroses for now! The scan actually went really well. I was measuring 8w0d -- still a day ahead -- and we got a nice strong heartbeat of 167 bpm. Also, we are at the gummy bear stage -- little limb buds beginning to form and I saw the spine, too.
So I left last Thursday's appointment feeling pretty good about things. On Saturday afternoon I got a headache, which over the course of a few hours turned into a bad headache with very severe vomiting. Over the course of about 6 hours, I vomited 15-16 times. I could just not get a grip on the vomiting and I was really miserable. Y brought home IV fluids and Zofran and managed to rehydrate me at home.
Sunday I was still feeling under the weather but had some things planned and yesterday I was really dragging my feet at work -- just didn't feel like myself. Around 3pm I started to get very intense contraction-like pains. After two waves hit (with about 10 minutes in between) I realized it wasn't going away and I left work as quickly as possible, highly suspicious that the contraction-like pain was the early stages of miscarriage. Bleeding all over the place at work is basically one of my worst nightmares, so I high-tailed it out of there.
Managed to make it home and to the couch. The pain was intensifying. In between waves, I was merely uncomfortable, but the contraction-like pains themselves felt EXACTLY like how I felt when I received Cytotec to complete my 1st miscarriage. Y came home and squeezed my hand and we were both so upset. After a couple hours of this with no blood in sight, Y suggested that we head to the ER to see if we could get some idea of what was going on.
We went to the hospital in the city that specializes most in pregnancy issues and has 24/7 ultrasound facilities. The ER was a horrible experience. We waited just over 5 hours to be seen. In the mean time, the contraction-like pain slowed to 15 minute intervals and then 20 and then eventually stopped, thank G-d.
They wouldn't allow me to drink a cup of water over those 5 hours which in retrospect makes me livid (they weren't giving me IV fluids, either). I assume the reasoning is that they don't allow patients complaining of abdominal pain food or water in case they have a surgical abdomen, but after waiting over 5 hours to see a doc, you can be pretty damn sure no one REALLY thought I had a surgical abdomen.
Anyhow, we finally see the doc who doesn't examine me but brings in a portable ultrasound. He says he sees a flicker and suggests I come back in the morning for a full ultrasound and sends me on my way. He also says my labs look fine.
Today I saw the lab results from last night and my ketones were +3, so I don't think there was any doubt that I was at leastly mildly dehydrated. I now suspect that I never fully recovered from my dehydration on Saturday and that I was walking around trying to do too much while dehydrated -- hence setting of the contractions. What is maddening is the three other women being seen for early pregnancy issues who were sitting in the same waiting area all had IV drips and they wouldn't let me have a sip of water or give me fluids! So basically I went to the ER to become more dehydrated than I already was against my will.
I also don't think it would take Dr. House to look over my lab results and my complaints and think "Oh severe dehydration 48 hours ago + current severe cramping + currently throwing ketones - must be dehydrated!" But since I didn't have access to my lab results while we were in the ER, I never got the opportunity to put 2 and 2 together.
This morning's ultrasound was good, thank G-d. I am still really shaken, though - that level of pain was really unnerving and definitely not normal. They sent me to a nurse to get the results. She had a prepared speech that the risk of miscarriage at this point is 50/50. Even I the eternal pessimist call bullshit on that.
Maybe the risk of miscarriage is 50/50 around the time of implantation, but after seeing a good heartbeat and good progression over the course of 3 ultrasounds (now 8.5 wks), I am quite sure the risk of miscarriage is well below 50%.
I asked her whether the chance of a miscarriage might be lower based on seeing a good heartbeat on multiple occasions in hopes that she would revise the 50/50 statement and she said "Yes -- definitely -- once you see a heartbeat at the NT scan and then at the anatomy scan at 18-20 weeks, the chance of miscarriage is much less."
She then went on to describe if the baby is healthy and no anatomical problems are found at the anatomy scan, you are almost home free. If she is an OB/gyn nurse, I would hope that she knows that most late pregnancy loss is due to maternal factors. I thought it was super ironic that she was telling me that a good anatomy scan means you are almost home free less than a minute after I told her I had a partial abruption followed by PPROM at 19 weeks, while she was reviewing my history. The whole experience just made me upset.
Right now I am feeling incredibly grateful to still be pregnant but really down-trodden over the events of the past few days. This is the hospital that deals most with high-risk pregnancy and the place where I will be receiving my care and frankly, so far I have found the level of care appalling compared to Israel and I have very little confidence in them, which is a really sucky feeling.
The past few days have been incredibly stressful. To rewind a bit, last Thursday I went in for my second scan. In typical fashion, I spent most of the day before day dreaming about a negative result…you know the positive visualizations they teach you to do in fertility mind/body meditations? I tend to take the skills learned there and adapt them for the bad. Anyone else do that?
Instead of visualizing my body doing something great (lots of follicles for IVF, many embryos fertilizing in their dishes, a strong embryo implanting), I visualize the worst in all of its sad, morbid detail and somehow I think this is some sort of amulet against it actually happening.
Or perhaps more accurately, I feel like if I visualize it first, I am easing myself into the possibility of bad news, adjusting my expectations so if something isn't right, I am not shocked, or so I don't feel like the 'fool' again.
There is some famous quote you often see on miscarriage forums about how if you worry about something bad or imagine it in your head and then it does happen, then you've had to live through it twice instead of once (and if it doesn't happen, you've unnecessarily subjected yourself to anxiety and fear). I guess I take the opposite approach -- I believe it is easier to experience the reality of bad news if you are already half-expecting it and have already walked around in it a bit.
Anyhow, enough about neuroses for now! The scan actually went really well. I was measuring 8w0d -- still a day ahead -- and we got a nice strong heartbeat of 167 bpm. Also, we are at the gummy bear stage -- little limb buds beginning to form and I saw the spine, too.
So I left last Thursday's appointment feeling pretty good about things. On Saturday afternoon I got a headache, which over the course of a few hours turned into a bad headache with very severe vomiting. Over the course of about 6 hours, I vomited 15-16 times. I could just not get a grip on the vomiting and I was really miserable. Y brought home IV fluids and Zofran and managed to rehydrate me at home.
Sunday I was still feeling under the weather but had some things planned and yesterday I was really dragging my feet at work -- just didn't feel like myself. Around 3pm I started to get very intense contraction-like pains. After two waves hit (with about 10 minutes in between) I realized it wasn't going away and I left work as quickly as possible, highly suspicious that the contraction-like pain was the early stages of miscarriage. Bleeding all over the place at work is basically one of my worst nightmares, so I high-tailed it out of there.
Managed to make it home and to the couch. The pain was intensifying. In between waves, I was merely uncomfortable, but the contraction-like pains themselves felt EXACTLY like how I felt when I received Cytotec to complete my 1st miscarriage. Y came home and squeezed my hand and we were both so upset. After a couple hours of this with no blood in sight, Y suggested that we head to the ER to see if we could get some idea of what was going on.
We went to the hospital in the city that specializes most in pregnancy issues and has 24/7 ultrasound facilities. The ER was a horrible experience. We waited just over 5 hours to be seen. In the mean time, the contraction-like pain slowed to 15 minute intervals and then 20 and then eventually stopped, thank G-d.
They wouldn't allow me to drink a cup of water over those 5 hours which in retrospect makes me livid (they weren't giving me IV fluids, either). I assume the reasoning is that they don't allow patients complaining of abdominal pain food or water in case they have a surgical abdomen, but after waiting over 5 hours to see a doc, you can be pretty damn sure no one REALLY thought I had a surgical abdomen.
Anyhow, we finally see the doc who doesn't examine me but brings in a portable ultrasound. He says he sees a flicker and suggests I come back in the morning for a full ultrasound and sends me on my way. He also says my labs look fine.
Today I saw the lab results from last night and my ketones were +3, so I don't think there was any doubt that I was at leastly mildly dehydrated. I now suspect that I never fully recovered from my dehydration on Saturday and that I was walking around trying to do too much while dehydrated -- hence setting of the contractions. What is maddening is the three other women being seen for early pregnancy issues who were sitting in the same waiting area all had IV drips and they wouldn't let me have a sip of water or give me fluids! So basically I went to the ER to become more dehydrated than I already was against my will.
I also don't think it would take Dr. House to look over my lab results and my complaints and think "Oh severe dehydration 48 hours ago + current severe cramping + currently throwing ketones - must be dehydrated!" But since I didn't have access to my lab results while we were in the ER, I never got the opportunity to put 2 and 2 together.
This morning's ultrasound was good, thank G-d. I am still really shaken, though - that level of pain was really unnerving and definitely not normal. They sent me to a nurse to get the results. She had a prepared speech that the risk of miscarriage at this point is 50/50. Even I the eternal pessimist call bullshit on that.
Maybe the risk of miscarriage is 50/50 around the time of implantation, but after seeing a good heartbeat and good progression over the course of 3 ultrasounds (now 8.5 wks), I am quite sure the risk of miscarriage is well below 50%.
I asked her whether the chance of a miscarriage might be lower based on seeing a good heartbeat on multiple occasions in hopes that she would revise the 50/50 statement and she said "Yes -- definitely -- once you see a heartbeat at the NT scan and then at the anatomy scan at 18-20 weeks, the chance of miscarriage is much less."
She then went on to describe if the baby is healthy and no anatomical problems are found at the anatomy scan, you are almost home free. If she is an OB/gyn nurse, I would hope that she knows that most late pregnancy loss is due to maternal factors. I thought it was super ironic that she was telling me that a good anatomy scan means you are almost home free less than a minute after I told her I had a partial abruption followed by PPROM at 19 weeks, while she was reviewing my history. The whole experience just made me upset.
Right now I am feeling incredibly grateful to still be pregnant but really down-trodden over the events of the past few days. This is the hospital that deals most with high-risk pregnancy and the place where I will be receiving my care and frankly, so far I have found the level of care appalling compared to Israel and I have very little confidence in them, which is a really sucky feeling.
Nov 21, 2012
our little squiggly & welcome iclw
Today we went in for our first ultrasound - a day earlier than planned due to some pretty bad cramping I've been having. I have been really terrified the past few days, so I was really happy to get it over with. Thankfully, the news is good.
We have one beautiful squiggly measuring a day ahead (6w6d) with a heart rate of 139bpm. I am happy. I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a very long time. I was terrified that we would see an empty sac, but I was also really scared we'd see more than one baby. Twins are so special and wonderful, but after losing Aminadav and Naava, a twin pregnancy is too risky for us. With a singleton, I hope I will have a good shot of carrying close to term. Of course we have a LONG way to go before we are back to the prematurity/PTL concerns.
I will do another ultrasound next Thursday and then we will take it from there. This was my first pregnancy-related ultrasound in Canada and it was weird to me that they didn't allow Y into the room, didn't let me see the screen, and would only give me results via my doctor. It felt really paternalistic to be honest. However, they did give me a nice picture of Squiggly. It feels so strange to say that I am feeling happy and peaceful, but it's true!
For those just joining us through ICLW, welcome! For a brief recap, we recently learned that we are rather unexpectedly though wonderfully pregnant after a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle while waiting to start a new IVF. We started fertility treatments in August 2010 and since then we've done 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers (3 fresh, 2 frozen).
We've had many failed treatment cycles and several losses - two early miscarriages and the loss of our beautiful twins, Aminadav and Naava, who were born catastrophically early last March due to PPROM/PTL.
This blog has been an infertility blog turned pregnancy after infertility blog turned infertility blog many times over. Through the past few years, I've written quite a bit about unexplained infertility, the IVF process, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy, and baby loss. The posts that are most meaningful to me are those about Aminadav and Naava, my lost hopes and dreams for them, and my grief.
Whatever brings you to our community, I am so sorry for your struggles. This is a sucky club to be a part of, but thankfully for us it is populated by many courageous, funny, resilient, and bright women.
We have one beautiful squiggly measuring a day ahead (6w6d) with a heart rate of 139bpm. I am happy. I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a very long time. I was terrified that we would see an empty sac, but I was also really scared we'd see more than one baby. Twins are so special and wonderful, but after losing Aminadav and Naava, a twin pregnancy is too risky for us. With a singleton, I hope I will have a good shot of carrying close to term. Of course we have a LONG way to go before we are back to the prematurity/PTL concerns.
I will do another ultrasound next Thursday and then we will take it from there. This was my first pregnancy-related ultrasound in Canada and it was weird to me that they didn't allow Y into the room, didn't let me see the screen, and would only give me results via my doctor. It felt really paternalistic to be honest. However, they did give me a nice picture of Squiggly. It feels so strange to say that I am feeling happy and peaceful, but it's true!
For those just joining us through ICLW, welcome! For a brief recap, we recently learned that we are rather unexpectedly though wonderfully pregnant after a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle while waiting to start a new IVF. We started fertility treatments in August 2010 and since then we've done 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers (3 fresh, 2 frozen).
We've had many failed treatment cycles and several losses - two early miscarriages and the loss of our beautiful twins, Aminadav and Naava, who were born catastrophically early last March due to PPROM/PTL.
This blog has been an infertility blog turned pregnancy after infertility blog turned infertility blog many times over. Through the past few years, I've written quite a bit about unexplained infertility, the IVF process, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy, and baby loss. The posts that are most meaningful to me are those about Aminadav and Naava, my lost hopes and dreams for them, and my grief.
Whatever brings you to our community, I am so sorry for your struggles. This is a sucky club to be a part of, but thankfully for us it is populated by many courageous, funny, resilient, and bright women.
Nov 17, 2012
quiet
I know I have slipped back into my cocoon the last week or so. There is not so much to say about my pregnancy. It is basically a black box until our first ultrasound on Thursday (7 weeks).
The days are passing very slowly and I constantly worry that my symptoms are too mild. But I suppose it boils down to something pretty simple -- either there will be a heartbeat(s) on Thursday or there won't be.
It is a little haunting how this pregnancy came almost exactly a year after my pregnancy with the twins. The two due dates are just 15 days apart. I can't help but be transformed back to last November -- every little detail of where we were, of how my pregnancy with the twins began to unfold. But it is strangely comforting, too. I feel Naava and Aminadav's presence more strongly now. It is a sweet, bright presence that brings me nostalgia and warmth.
Israel has obviously been weighing heavily on my mind. Seeing on the news what it going on back home and not being there -- it is all very strange. Also, now living outside of Israel and seeing the way (some) of the outside world views the conflict is truly distressing and frightening to me. Those who question the right of Israel to exist and defend herself disturb me greatly.
Here's to a quieter, calmer week for everyone.
The days are passing very slowly and I constantly worry that my symptoms are too mild. But I suppose it boils down to something pretty simple -- either there will be a heartbeat(s) on Thursday or there won't be.
It is a little haunting how this pregnancy came almost exactly a year after my pregnancy with the twins. The two due dates are just 15 days apart. I can't help but be transformed back to last November -- every little detail of where we were, of how my pregnancy with the twins began to unfold. But it is strangely comforting, too. I feel Naava and Aminadav's presence more strongly now. It is a sweet, bright presence that brings me nostalgia and warmth.
Israel has obviously been weighing heavily on my mind. Seeing on the news what it going on back home and not being there -- it is all very strange. Also, now living outside of Israel and seeing the way (some) of the outside world views the conflict is truly distressing and frightening to me. Those who question the right of Israel to exist and defend herself disturb me greatly.
Here's to a quieter, calmer week for everyone.
Nov 8, 2012
beta #4 and RPL appointment
Yesterday beta #4 (20dpo) was 2341, up from 955 two days before (I think I originally wrote that it was 956...I was off by the last digit!). I was pretty relieved and quite pleased with that. My progesterone took a nosedive though, which is weird. I think my dose probably needs to be upped a bit. Of course it makes me nervous...just like everything else.
I have another beta draw tomorrow (#5). Hopefully this will be my last. I find the betas really nerve-wracking, so I would be very happy to be done with them, but the RPL doc wants two to compare that were drawn at his clinic since there can be inconsistencies between clinics.
Speaking of which, we had our appointment yesterday afternoon with the RPL specialist. It was originally set up as an IVF consult, so I am quite grateful that he was still willing to see us in the context of this rather surprising pregnancy. I did all the first tri bloodwork as well as screening for a bunch of antiphospholipid antibodies.
Truthfully, I didn't look too carefully at the requisition sheets so I am not exactly sure of everything we did (very unlike me) but it amounted to 15 vials of blood. Apparently, false negatives for antiphospholipid antibodies are common during pregnancy, but a positive result could change our current management, which is why we still did the tests.
In the mean time, I am continuing on with the progesterone and Prednisone (until 12 weeks) and starting low-dose aspirin. I know I spoke to several doctors in Israel who don't believe that baby aspirin does anything, but this doctor felt pretty strongly about it, and I don't think it can hurt...hopefully it will help. He will continue to follow the pregnancy and then if I am lucky enough to make it past first tri, I will be referred to the high-risk clinic.
Overall, I feel like we have our bases covered and I am so relieved my beta didn't drop but we have a long way to go, baby - just 5 weeks today.
I have another beta draw tomorrow (#5). Hopefully this will be my last. I find the betas really nerve-wracking, so I would be very happy to be done with them, but the RPL doc wants two to compare that were drawn at his clinic since there can be inconsistencies between clinics.
Speaking of which, we had our appointment yesterday afternoon with the RPL specialist. It was originally set up as an IVF consult, so I am quite grateful that he was still willing to see us in the context of this rather surprising pregnancy. I did all the first tri bloodwork as well as screening for a bunch of antiphospholipid antibodies.
Truthfully, I didn't look too carefully at the requisition sheets so I am not exactly sure of everything we did (very unlike me) but it amounted to 15 vials of blood. Apparently, false negatives for antiphospholipid antibodies are common during pregnancy, but a positive result could change our current management, which is why we still did the tests.
In the mean time, I am continuing on with the progesterone and Prednisone (until 12 weeks) and starting low-dose aspirin. I know I spoke to several doctors in Israel who don't believe that baby aspirin does anything, but this doctor felt pretty strongly about it, and I don't think it can hurt...hopefully it will help. He will continue to follow the pregnancy and then if I am lucky enough to make it past first tri, I will be referred to the high-risk clinic.
Overall, I feel like we have our bases covered and I am so relieved my beta didn't drop but we have a long way to go, baby - just 5 weeks today.
Nov 6, 2012
beta anxiety (second edition)
Last night Y got a script from his dad for a beta, if I wanted to repeat it today instead of waiting. I toyed with idea - I figured if this pregnancy is truly on its way out right now (a possibility), it would be reflected in a beta that is the same as yesterday or falling. But an equally likely possibility, perhaps even more likely, is that the number would be up, maybe another slow rise, and repeating it within 24 hours instead of the traditional 48 would just make it unequivocal and hard to interpret. The final possibility, that my hcg is playing nice again, is also definitely possible, but just having the 24h result, I'd still be nervous.
So...I decided I would POAS this morning and if the FRER was clearly getting lighter, I would go in for another draw this morning to confirm a fall, if it looked the same or even darker, I would wait 48h for the next draw....very scientific, I know :)
I had a really weird dream that I was getting some work done in an empty classroom, which apparently involved spreading my possessions about, including a massive collection of saved FRERs from this pregnancy. In the dream, I proceeded to pack up most of my stuff, forgetting the FRERs, and realizing only too late that a class had begun and a bunch of kids were now in the room...WEIRD.
In my second dream, this morning's FRER shattered before I could really interpret the result. And for what it's worth, in reality, today's FRER looked the same as the one from 2 days ago, but since the pregnancy line is so much darker than the control line, it is hard to interpret beyond safely saying that my beta is not likely plummeting.
So now I get back on the waiting train. I know I was a bit dramatic last night....but I was really so sad and disappointed. I know I have a tendency to jump right to the post-mortem before disaster has been confirmed (or sometimes even, denied).
What doesn't help this tendency to jump to the worst conclusion whenever anything is less than perfect is my history. It seems that anytime anything is slightly less than stellar for me pregnancy-wise, it inevitably leads to a succession of events that culminates in something bad.
The truth is, I am barely coping with my fear and anxiety when everything is going perfectly, so when stuff goes less than perfectly, it really throws me a curve ball. For now, I am just trying to get through the day.
I know that betas that stop doubling nicely can be ominous and unfortunately, the first sign of a pregnancy that isn't doing well can be jittery betas, even if it's only weeks later that the pregnancy actually fails.
Two rather innocuous possibilities for the slower rise:
1) There were two embryos and now there's one....a vanishing twin. My betas have been higher than average, even for a twin pregnancy, according to betabase, though I know there is no hard science to predicting multiples based on betas...high betas can also of course correspond to a singleton who implanted on the earlier side. If there was in fact a vanishing twin, my betas should recover with the next draw.
2) Y suggested that perhaps I was a bit dehydrated for beta #2, artificially raising the result. If you consider only the first and third beta values, the overall doubling time is still within 48 hours.
I am so anxious about the future, but like with everything else, unfortunately only time will tell.
So...I decided I would POAS this morning and if the FRER was clearly getting lighter, I would go in for another draw this morning to confirm a fall, if it looked the same or even darker, I would wait 48h for the next draw....very scientific, I know :)
I had a really weird dream that I was getting some work done in an empty classroom, which apparently involved spreading my possessions about, including a massive collection of saved FRERs from this pregnancy. In the dream, I proceeded to pack up most of my stuff, forgetting the FRERs, and realizing only too late that a class had begun and a bunch of kids were now in the room...WEIRD.
In my second dream, this morning's FRER shattered before I could really interpret the result. And for what it's worth, in reality, today's FRER looked the same as the one from 2 days ago, but since the pregnancy line is so much darker than the control line, it is hard to interpret beyond safely saying that my beta is not likely plummeting.
So now I get back on the waiting train. I know I was a bit dramatic last night....but I was really so sad and disappointed. I know I have a tendency to jump right to the post-mortem before disaster has been confirmed (or sometimes even, denied).
What doesn't help this tendency to jump to the worst conclusion whenever anything is less than perfect is my history. It seems that anytime anything is slightly less than stellar for me pregnancy-wise, it inevitably leads to a succession of events that culminates in something bad.
The truth is, I am barely coping with my fear and anxiety when everything is going perfectly, so when stuff goes less than perfectly, it really throws me a curve ball. For now, I am just trying to get through the day.
I know that betas that stop doubling nicely can be ominous and unfortunately, the first sign of a pregnancy that isn't doing well can be jittery betas, even if it's only weeks later that the pregnancy actually fails.
Two rather innocuous possibilities for the slower rise:
1) There were two embryos and now there's one....a vanishing twin. My betas have been higher than average, even for a twin pregnancy, according to betabase, though I know there is no hard science to predicting multiples based on betas...high betas can also of course correspond to a singleton who implanted on the earlier side. If there was in fact a vanishing twin, my betas should recover with the next draw.
2) Y suggested that perhaps I was a bit dehydrated for beta #2, artificially raising the result. If you consider only the first and third beta values, the overall doubling time is still within 48 hours.
I am so anxious about the future, but like with everything else, unfortunately only time will tell.
Nov 5, 2012
beta blues
I wish those magical two pink lines didn't make my heart sing with glee every time I see them. I wish those magical two pink lines didn't tempt me to fantasize about my dream life, the life I took for granted that would be mine for so many years every time I see them.
Every time so far that I've seen those magical two pink lines, I've been duped, and yet, every time I seem them again, I am filled with renewed hope and anxiety and fear and forboding, yes, but also so much joy too.
Why? Why can't I view those magical two pink lines of a pregnancy test with the same detachment I view the two very unassuming lines on an ovulation predictor stick? Why can't I just learn my lesson? In my world, those magical two pink lines -- they pretty much mean...nothing. But I seem to be very late to the game in accepting this on an emotional level.
The doubling time between betas 1 and 2 was 33 hours -- from 146 at 13dpo to 391 at 15dpo. Those were some pretty strong betas. However, beta 3 at 18dpo was 956, a slowing to a 56 hour doubling time. Coupled with the awful headache and lower back cramps I've had today, I can't help but worry that this pregnancy has begun to fail.
Also, this is ridiculously subjective, I know, but I POAS yesterday morning and the pregnancy line was soooo much darker than the control (it stole most of the dye from the control line), I really think that it would have corresponded to a beta of at least 1000 and that things just took a downturn in the past 24 hours.
I know a beta can take 72 hours to double and it can still be okay. I know the 48 hour doubling time rule is a little arbitrary and that there is a whole spectrum, but I have never had betas not double in 48 hours and had it been okay. Also, these cramps are for real. So, I think I might be pretty close to bidding pregnancy #4 goodbye. I only hope that if it's not meant to be, it won't be a protracted ordeal with unequivocal betas and ultrasounds and that it will end quickly.
I am sad tonight. I really believe in my heart every time that this is the time that will be different, but sometimes to continue trying just feels like punishment. I also believe in my heart that this is a problem with my body and not our embryos.
Every time so far that I've seen those magical two pink lines, I've been duped, and yet, every time I seem them again, I am filled with renewed hope and anxiety and fear and forboding, yes, but also so much joy too.
Why? Why can't I view those magical two pink lines of a pregnancy test with the same detachment I view the two very unassuming lines on an ovulation predictor stick? Why can't I just learn my lesson? In my world, those magical two pink lines -- they pretty much mean...nothing. But I seem to be very late to the game in accepting this on an emotional level.
The doubling time between betas 1 and 2 was 33 hours -- from 146 at 13dpo to 391 at 15dpo. Those were some pretty strong betas. However, beta 3 at 18dpo was 956, a slowing to a 56 hour doubling time. Coupled with the awful headache and lower back cramps I've had today, I can't help but worry that this pregnancy has begun to fail.
Also, this is ridiculously subjective, I know, but I POAS yesterday morning and the pregnancy line was soooo much darker than the control (it stole most of the dye from the control line), I really think that it would have corresponded to a beta of at least 1000 and that things just took a downturn in the past 24 hours.
I know a beta can take 72 hours to double and it can still be okay. I know the 48 hour doubling time rule is a little arbitrary and that there is a whole spectrum, but I have never had betas not double in 48 hours and had it been okay. Also, these cramps are for real. So, I think I might be pretty close to bidding pregnancy #4 goodbye. I only hope that if it's not meant to be, it won't be a protracted ordeal with unequivocal betas and ultrasounds and that it will end quickly.
I am sad tonight. I really believe in my heart every time that this is the time that will be different, but sometimes to continue trying just feels like punishment. I also believe in my heart that this is a problem with my body and not our embryos.
Nov 4, 2012
that other 2ww - TO2WW
The 2ww (or more) between a +hpt and an ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat(s), now fondly dubbed 'TO2WW': biggest mindf*ck ever. Of course its redeeming quality is that it is for a great cause, because until proven otherwise, you are pregnant. Its undoing is that the stakes have been upped over the previous 2ww yet the potential for disaster is still quite high.
After the two pink lines is both the best and worst place that an infertile can be.
Here is a (maybe not so) brief history of the reason why TO2WW makes me nutty:
October 2010 - pregnancy 1 (IUI 2):
Looks like a late implanter, but in Israel all of the drugstore hpts are pretty crappy, so….the most expensive stick I could find, the "Yes or No Professional" test, doesn't yield a faint positive until 14 dpIUI. And the underwhelming 1st beta …
14 dpIUI: 42
18 dpIUI: 279
25 dpIUI: 3576
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 1: Betas start off low but the numbers (more than) double nicely. It is my first pregnancy and I am pretty anxious but I haven't yet actually had a loss so oblivion is still (sort of) my friend at this point. An ultrasound at 5w2d reveals just a GS - but again, I am too naive to think disaster at every turn. I still have some trust in the process and in my body. Brown spotting for a few days during week 6. Ultrasound at 7w3d - no heartbeat - missed m/c. Game over pregnancy #1.
new neuroses developed: Late implantation is an ominous sign of bad things to come. Brown spotting means the baby has died.
November 2011 - pregnancy 2 (IVF #2):
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 2: I am a smart girl and stockpiled FRERs during my trip to the states so pesky subpar hpts won't keep me from a successful pregnancy test this time around (since that was clearly the problem last time). First +hpt 6dp5dt - see these pee sticks are worth their weight in gold! Initial thought: Not a late implanter this time, an auspicious start, in my mind timely implantation = successful pregnancy.
beta 1 (11dp5dt): 308
beta 2 (13dp5dt): 849
Guiding thoughts con't: Well this is definitely different from last time, so hopefully it is going to work out. Wait, no, not enough symptoms…they come, they go away. This shit is crazy. Night before 1st
u/s (6w2d) - I'm not even tired anymore, another missed miscarriage, I think. Arrive to clinic for ultrasound dejected - we both expect bad news (I have also convinced Y without doubt that the pregnancy is doomed because, well, I am not tired anymore, I am not nauseated, etc.). Ultrasound #1 - 2 heartbeats!
Week 9 - start bleeding bright red. Previous experience dictates that blood = dead babies. Shocked and relieved to find out that bleeding is 'only' from a SCH - the same SCH that rears its ugly head again at week 16 and leads to the succession of events that ultimately result in the death of both my beautiful babies, but I don't know that yet.
Week 19-20 - Aminadav's water breaks - PPROM. I lose both my little loves to PPROM/PTL.
new neuroses developed: It's never too late in pregnancy for your bab(ies) to die, either inside of you, or by arriving a few weeks short of viability (or as it also often happens, after…). Bleeding is a harbinger of disaster. If you PPROM before viability, you are in a bad, bad place.
June 2012 - pregnancy 3 (IVF 3):
Day 3 SET after a bumpy cycle and premature luteinization (premature progesterone rise). SET on day 3 is pretty low yield and at this point 6/8 of the embryos we have transferred via IVF have not implanted, so our IVF history doesn't bode so well for day 3 SET, but it is what it is. We are super surprised to get a +hpt at 6dp5dt.
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 3: A singleton pregnancy with strong implantation bodes well for us. There is no reason to believe this won't work, other than the fact that it never has in the past.
beta 1 (12dp3dt): 138
beta 2 (14dp3dt): 139
very early m/c at 5w2d
Continued guiding thoughts: So clearly early implantation and a solid first beta doesn't necessarily stop the pregnancy from falling off a cliff with style. Weird…I thought most chemical pregnancies started with dubiously low betas and late implantation. Seems more likely due to a maternal factor than a genetic problem, but that's just a guess.
new neuroses developed: A +hpt early on or a nice first beta doesn't protect against a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Those beta hCG numbers can come crashing down from anywhere.
October 2012 - pregnancy 4 (Clomid/Prednisone/TI…surprise!)
+hpt 11dpo (I just corrected that from '6dp5dt' - apparently I am still in disbelief that this wasn't an IVF cycle!)
beta 1 (13 dpo): 146
The pee sticks keep getting darker.
Guiding initial thoughts: Expect nothing. All bets are off. Well, a nicer way of saying that is "expect the worst, hope for the best." My symptoms come and go. I understand that every tiny thing could mean either nothing or everything, but only time will tell, and the wait is maddening. I have now been waiting over 72 hours for the results of beta 2 (in Israel I never waited more than 2.5-3.5 hours for a beta result!) and the wait is driving me nuts, as is the knowledge that by the time I receive the result, it will be obsolete (i.e. so 3 days ago!).
new neuroses: Everything. Pregnancy is a mine-field that can be cut short or go wrong at any point due to an endless combination of disasters. But with each new chance, there is always the possibility for all of the stars to align so that we bring home a living child, and that little bit of hope propels us forward, and so we keep on keeping on. In the meantime, I think I need a therapist.
After the two pink lines is both the best and worst place that an infertile can be.
Here is a (maybe not so) brief history of the reason why TO2WW makes me nutty:
October 2010 - pregnancy 1 (IUI 2):
Looks like a late implanter, but in Israel all of the drugstore hpts are pretty crappy, so….the most expensive stick I could find, the "Yes or No Professional" test, doesn't yield a faint positive until 14 dpIUI. And the underwhelming 1st beta …
14 dpIUI: 42
18 dpIUI: 279
25 dpIUI: 3576
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 1: Betas start off low but the numbers (more than) double nicely. It is my first pregnancy and I am pretty anxious but I haven't yet actually had a loss so oblivion is still (sort of) my friend at this point. An ultrasound at 5w2d reveals just a GS - but again, I am too naive to think disaster at every turn. I still have some trust in the process and in my body. Brown spotting for a few days during week 6. Ultrasound at 7w3d - no heartbeat - missed m/c. Game over pregnancy #1.
new neuroses developed: Late implantation is an ominous sign of bad things to come. Brown spotting means the baby has died.
November 2011 - pregnancy 2 (IVF #2):
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 2: I am a smart girl and stockpiled FRERs during my trip to the states so pesky subpar hpts won't keep me from a successful pregnancy test this time around (since that was clearly the problem last time). First +hpt 6dp5dt - see these pee sticks are worth their weight in gold! Initial thought: Not a late implanter this time, an auspicious start, in my mind timely implantation = successful pregnancy.
beta 1 (11dp5dt): 308
beta 2 (13dp5dt): 849
Guiding thoughts con't: Well this is definitely different from last time, so hopefully it is going to work out. Wait, no, not enough symptoms…they come, they go away. This shit is crazy. Night before 1st
u/s (6w2d) - I'm not even tired anymore, another missed miscarriage, I think. Arrive to clinic for ultrasound dejected - we both expect bad news (I have also convinced Y without doubt that the pregnancy is doomed because, well, I am not tired anymore, I am not nauseated, etc.). Ultrasound #1 - 2 heartbeats!
Week 9 - start bleeding bright red. Previous experience dictates that blood = dead babies. Shocked and relieved to find out that bleeding is 'only' from a SCH - the same SCH that rears its ugly head again at week 16 and leads to the succession of events that ultimately result in the death of both my beautiful babies, but I don't know that yet.
Week 19-20 - Aminadav's water breaks - PPROM. I lose both my little loves to PPROM/PTL.
new neuroses developed: It's never too late in pregnancy for your bab(ies) to die, either inside of you, or by arriving a few weeks short of viability (or as it also often happens, after…). Bleeding is a harbinger of disaster. If you PPROM before viability, you are in a bad, bad place.
June 2012 - pregnancy 3 (IVF 3):
Day 3 SET after a bumpy cycle and premature luteinization (premature progesterone rise). SET on day 3 is pretty low yield and at this point 6/8 of the embryos we have transferred via IVF have not implanted, so our IVF history doesn't bode so well for day 3 SET, but it is what it is. We are super surprised to get a +hpt at 6dp5dt.
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 3: A singleton pregnancy with strong implantation bodes well for us. There is no reason to believe this won't work, other than the fact that it never has in the past.
beta 1 (12dp3dt): 138
beta 2 (14dp3dt): 139
very early m/c at 5w2d
Continued guiding thoughts: So clearly early implantation and a solid first beta doesn't necessarily stop the pregnancy from falling off a cliff with style. Weird…I thought most chemical pregnancies started with dubiously low betas and late implantation. Seems more likely due to a maternal factor than a genetic problem, but that's just a guess.
new neuroses developed: A +hpt early on or a nice first beta doesn't protect against a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Those beta hCG numbers can come crashing down from anywhere.
October 2012 - pregnancy 4 (Clomid/Prednisone/TI…surprise!)
+hpt 11dpo (I just corrected that from '6dp5dt' - apparently I am still in disbelief that this wasn't an IVF cycle!)
beta 1 (13 dpo): 146
The pee sticks keep getting darker.
Guiding initial thoughts: Expect nothing. All bets are off. Well, a nicer way of saying that is "expect the worst, hope for the best." My symptoms come and go. I understand that every tiny thing could mean either nothing or everything, but only time will tell, and the wait is maddening. I have now been waiting over 72 hours for the results of beta 2 (in Israel I never waited more than 2.5-3.5 hours for a beta result!) and the wait is driving me nuts, as is the knowledge that by the time I receive the result, it will be obsolete (i.e. so 3 days ago!).
new neuroses: Everything. Pregnancy is a mine-field that can be cut short or go wrong at any point due to an endless combination of disasters. But with each new chance, there is always the possibility for all of the stars to align so that we bring home a living child, and that little bit of hope propels us forward, and so we keep on keeping on. In the meantime, I think I need a therapist.
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