Nov 5, 2012

beta blues

I wish those magical two pink lines didn't make my heart sing with glee every time I see them. I wish those magical two pink lines didn't tempt me to fantasize about my dream life, the life I took for granted that would be mine for so many years every time I see them.

Every time so far that I've seen those magical two pink lines, I've been duped, and yet, every time I seem them again, I am filled with renewed hope and anxiety and fear and forboding, yes, but also so much joy too.

Why? Why can't I view those magical two pink lines of a pregnancy test with the same detachment I view the two very unassuming lines on an ovulation predictor stick? Why can't I just learn my lesson? In my world, those magical two pink lines -- they pretty much mean...nothing. But I seem to be very late to the game in accepting this on an emotional level.

The doubling time between betas 1 and 2 was 33 hours -- from 146 at 13dpo to 391 at 15dpo. Those were some pretty strong betas. However, beta 3 at 18dpo was 956, a slowing to a 56 hour doubling time. Coupled with the awful headache and lower back cramps I've had today, I can't help but worry that this pregnancy has begun to fail.

Also, this is ridiculously subjective, I know, but I POAS yesterday morning and the pregnancy line was soooo much darker than the control (it stole most of the dye from the control line), I really think that it would have corresponded to a beta of at least 1000 and that things just took a downturn in the past 24 hours.

I know a beta can take 72 hours to double and it can still be okay. I know the 48 hour doubling time rule is a little arbitrary and that there is a whole spectrum, but I have never had betas not double in 48 hours and had it been okay. Also, these cramps are for real. So, I think I might be pretty close to bidding pregnancy #4 goodbye. I only hope that if it's not meant to be, it won't be a protracted ordeal with unequivocal betas and ultrasounds and that it will end quickly.

I am sad tonight. I really believe in my heart every time that this is the time that will be different, but sometimes to continue trying just feels like punishment. I also believe in my heart that this is a problem with my body and not our embryos.


  1. I'm really sorry beta 3 wasn't as stellar as you had hoped. :( And I hope that this isn't a sign of bad things to come. I hope that it is simply well within the realm of normal variation. I will be thinking of you and your DH. <3

  2. I hope it is different for you. I hope that those cramps are indicative of an amazing implantation and your little bean is digging in for the long-term. I will hope for you.

  3. I am holding out hope that this time will be different for you. 56 hours is completely within the normal range of rising, yet I know that fact is not comforting at all. Wishing you reassurance very soon.

  4. Please try not to despair. My last pregnancy I had a beta that slowed to doubling time of exactly 56 hours and I was very disappointed too. Can you get another beta or do you have to wait for an u/s? I truly hope things turn out well for you. ((hugs))

  5. Oh A. I hope that everything is just fine. Hoping, hoping, hoping.

  6. Thanks so much for the reassurance and support, guys! K - I actually looked back at your blog from the time of your betas with the twins and it reassured me. Of course, this could go any way, but it was really nice to see that a very similar situation turned out well.