that other 2ww - TO2WW

The 2ww (or more) between a +hpt and an ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat(s), now fondly dubbed 'TO2WW': biggest mindf*ck ever. Of course its redeeming quality is that it is for a great cause, because until proven otherwise, you are pregnant. Its undoing  is that the stakes have been upped over the previous 2ww yet the potential for disaster is still quite high.

 After the two pink lines is both the best and worst place that an infertile can be.

Here is a (maybe not so) brief history of the reason why TO2WW makes me nutty:

October 2010 - pregnancy 1 (IUI 2):
Looks like a late implanter, but in Israel all of the drugstore hpts are pretty crappy, so….the most expensive stick I could find, the "Yes or No Professional" test, doesn't yield a faint positive until 14 dpIUI. And the underwhelming 1st beta …
14 dpIUI: 42
18 dpIUI: 279
25 dpIUI: 3576

Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 1: Betas start off low but the numbers (more than) double nicely. It is my first pregnancy and I am pretty anxious but I haven't yet actually had a loss so oblivion is still (sort of) my friend at this point. An ultrasound at 5w2d reveals just a GS - but again, I am too naive to think disaster at every turn. I still have some trust in the process and in my body. Brown spotting for a few days during week 6. Ultrasound at 7w3d - no heartbeat - missed m/c. Game over pregnancy #1.

new neuroses developed: Late implantation is an ominous sign of bad things to come. Brown spotting means the baby has died.

November 2011 - pregnancy 2 (IVF #2):
Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 2: I am a smart girl and stockpiled FRERs during my trip to the states so pesky subpar hpts won't keep me from a successful pregnancy test this time around (since that was clearly the problem last time). First +hpt 6dp5dt - see these pee sticks are worth their weight in gold! Initial thought: Not a late implanter this time, an auspicious start, in my mind timely implantation = successful pregnancy.
beta 1 (11dp5dt): 308
beta 2 (13dp5dt): 849

Guiding thoughts con't: Well this is definitely different from last time, so hopefully it is going to work out. Wait, no, not enough symptoms…they come, they go away. This shit is crazy. Night before 1st
u/s (6w2d) -  I'm not even tired anymore, another missed miscarriage, I think.  Arrive to clinic for ultrasound dejected - we both expect bad news (I have also convinced Y without doubt that the pregnancy is doomed because, well, I am not tired anymore, I am not nauseated, etc.). Ultrasound #1 - 2 heartbeats!

Week 9 - start bleeding bright red. Previous experience dictates that blood = dead babies. Shocked and relieved to find out that bleeding is 'only' from a SCH - the same SCH that rears its ugly head again at week 16 and leads to the succession of events that ultimately result in the death of both my beautiful babies, but I don't know that yet.

Week 19-20 - Aminadav's water breaks - PPROM. I lose both my little loves to PPROM/PTL.

new neuroses developed: It's never too late in pregnancy for your bab(ies) to die, either inside of you, or by arriving a few weeks short of viability (or as it also often happens, after…). Bleeding is a harbinger of disaster. If you PPROM before viability, you are in a bad, bad place.

June 2012 - pregnancy 3 (IVF 3):

Day 3 SET after a bumpy cycle and premature luteinization (premature progesterone rise). SET on day 3 is pretty low yield and at this point 6/8 of the embryos we have transferred via IVF have not implanted, so our IVF history doesn't bode so well for day 3 SET, but it is what it is. We are super surprised to get a +hpt at 6dp5dt.

Guiding initial thoughts of pregnancy 3: A singleton pregnancy with strong implantation bodes well for us. There is no reason to believe this won't work, other than the fact that it never has in the past.

beta 1 (12dp3dt): 138
beta 2 (14dp3dt): 139
very early m/c at 5w2d

Continued guiding thoughts: So clearly early implantation and a solid first beta doesn't necessarily stop the pregnancy from falling off a cliff with style. Weird…I thought most chemical pregnancies started with dubiously low betas and late implantation. Seems more likely due to a maternal factor than a genetic problem, but that's just a guess.

new neuroses developed: A +hpt early on or a nice first beta doesn't protect against a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Those beta hCG numbers can come crashing down from anywhere.

October 2012 - pregnancy 4 (Clomid/Prednisone/TI…surprise!)

+hpt 11dpo (I just corrected that from '6dp5dt' - apparently I am still in disbelief that this wasn't an IVF cycle!)
beta 1 (13 dpo): 146
The pee sticks keep getting darker.

Guiding initial thoughts: Expect nothing. All bets are off. Well, a nicer way of saying that is "expect the worst, hope for the best."  My symptoms come and go. I understand that every tiny thing could mean either nothing or everything, but only time will tell, and the wait is maddening. I have now been waiting over 72 hours for the results of beta 2 (in Israel I never waited more than 2.5-3.5 hours for a beta result!) and the wait is driving me nuts, as is the knowledge that by the time I receive the result, it will be obsolete (i.e. so 3 days ago!).

new neuroses: Everything. Pregnancy is a mine-field that can be cut short or go wrong at any point due to an endless combination of disasters. But with each new chance, there is always the possibility for all of the stars to align so that we bring home a living child, and that little bit of hope propels us forward, and so we keep on keeping on. In the meantime, I think I need a therapist.

speechless

Please body, please G-d, please universe, please random chance: let this be good.

two lines

I will cut right to the chase - I POAS this morning (6dp5dt) and I saw two lines. Holy crap. I was such a crying, blubbering mess I think Y thought someone had died. When I finally managed to successfully communicate to him why I was hysterical, he was so confused that it wasn't bad news! Can't believe one year ago today I was in the hospital miscarrying and today I saw this unbelievable thing. It feels totally other-worldly. My E2 is very low so I started estrogen pills today...I hope the E2 won't be a big problem. Beta isn't until Sunday. We still have an incredibly long way to go, but I am in shock to have made it to here.

Please send good vibes to my dear cycle buddy & friend T that she will get some great news over the next few days.

one year ago today

The ultrasound one year ago today: Broken. Didn't think one year later we would still be empty-handed. I suppose there are nicer things to reminisce about during the 2ww...

an absence of something

I have just been waiting...waiting to feel something, anything, a twinge or a cramp or some slight indication that our embryos are still with me. As usual, nothing. I think that maybe those little embryos just got tired of cell division or whatever it is that usually happens to them. I know anything is still possible - still, the one time I was pregnant, I had so much cramping with implantation, I find it very hard to believe that I won't feel anything at all if something is trying to implant. I have been so sad this weekend. I feel like I already know the answer. I hope so badly that for once, I will be wrong.

sweet dreams are made of these

6dp3dt - I am really going off my rocker. I had a pretty annoying headache this evening, and since my trusty excedrin/coke combo is verboten, I decided to take a nap to see if I could sleep it off. And what a lovely nap it was - I had a very vivid dream that I was cleaning the living room, which somehow involved the loveseat being tilted at an angle and then subsequently falling on my back. All I could think was "Fvck! If anything had somehow miraculously implanted, I am sure it un-implanted now!" Needless to say, I woke up from my peaceful nap feeling as "un-implanted" as ever. Also, IRL, the living room does really need to be cleaned.

postcard from the middle of nowhere (5dp3dt)

Well, it looks like I am deep in the middle of the no-data zone - the black box of the 2ww where the side effects of the vast quantities of supplemental progesterone and estrogen are in full-swing, the giddiness of seeing those 2 beautiful embryos is becoming a memory, and the knowledge of the final outcome of this cycle seems impossibly distant.

The IVF cycle is such a rollercoaster of inactivity and activity - you twiddle your thumbs anxiously waiting weeks or months for your cycle to begin - you start cycling and all of the sudden you're in this day-to-day whirlwind of action where things keep changing constantly and you're always on your toes and just thinking from one day to the next and then suddenly after ET, there is this peaceful calm - back to twiddling your thumbs again and back to waiting. At first, I found the peaceful calm after ET a relief, but now I must admit I am getting pretty anxious and nervous.

In fact, I am so freaking nervous I have had little desire to write in my blog because frankly, writing about how I am nervous just makes me feel more nervous. Actually, pretty much everything makes me nervous right now. Our clinic doesn't do an initial beta until 14dp3dt, which I think is REALLY late. I am sure I will end up testing before then, but I want to wait until there is at least a really good chance of getting a 2nd line on a FRER if something worth writing home about is going on. I know I definitely won't be testing on Thursday, which is not only questionably early, but also the due date of my first (lost) pregnancy. After that, who knows...eek.