twins in the family?

I managed to spill a whole water bottle over my laptop a few days ago, rendering it useless until it gets to the repair shop, so I probably won't be writing too much until it gets fixed because I really don't like typing on the tablet. Yesterday marked two weeks on bed rest and two weeks more pregnant since the big bleed - I'll take it! Honestly, though, I feel like cabin fever is really starting to set in and I am beginning to go stir crazy.

My big outing of the week was going to the hospital to get my platelet function tests repeated a few days ago. Going anywhere with me is such a big ordeal these days and I am so dependent on Y. Using a wheelchair also really really embarrasses me and makes me feel so weird - I mean I can walk! Oh well, it is what it is, and I know the inconveniences and embarrassments are nothing if I keep my eye on the end goal.

One thing I actually wanted to write about a while ago is the questions people ask when they find out we're expecting twins. This issue is actually no longer immediately relevant, since I now spend all my time sequestered in my room and don't interact with the outside world, but I still think it's an interesting issue.

Y and I were always quite private about fertility treatments when we were going through them, so only our immediate families and a few close friends know about our ordeal. For a little background, both my maternal and paternal grandmothers were twins (obviously not with each other;-)). My mom had a miscarriage with twins (spontaneously conceived) and my cousins are spontaneously conceived triplets.

When relatives or people who have known my family for a long time found out through the grapevine that we are expecting twins, the common response was "Wow! Based on the family history I am not surprised at all!" I don't think anyone questioned for a second whether or not they are spontaneous - the possibility of IVF didn't really seem to register in anyone's mind given the strong family history.

Among friends or relatives on Y's side of the family, people right away asked if twins run in my family. I've always interpreted this as a perceived to be tactful attempt of asking whether the twins were conceived spontaneously or with fertility treatment. The fault in this logic is obviously that we fall into both categories - honestly, multiples do run in my family but obviously that has nothing to do with how we conceived multiples.

So of course we have enjoyed smugly and honestly answering that why yes, twins do run in the family - an accurate answer that is at the same time deceptively inaccurate at answering the real question usually thinly veiled underneath.

At first it didn't bother me - actually it made me feel a little smug knowing I wasn't really answering the question being asked and in some sense it was definitely a relief - an out from having to answer painful and personal further questions that quite honestly are generally never the questioner's business. It also really suited Y, who is super private and never a sharer of information.

But eventually, I started having mixed feelings about our easy out from never having to really talk about how our twins came to be. It began to feel a little disingenuous, especially among certain people.

When friends who we believe are going through their own fertility challenges asked whether twins run in the family, we gave our usual response, but instead of feeling smug, I started feeling like shit about it. It started to feel totally disingenuous, especially when talking with people we believe are struggling, too.

Not only did it make me feel like an impostor - passing myself off as a fertile myrtle, but it also made me feel like in some sense I was hurting the cause - perpetuating the notion that infertility is something to be ashamed of and keep silent about.

I always wondered whether we would be the kind of couple who would become more open about our infertility experiences if at some point we were fortunate enough to be expecting. So far, it seems like apparently we're not. I have surprisingly mixed feelings about this.

On one hand, I feel like it is really no one's business and we have a right to our privacy. I also can frankly be a little judgmental sometimes of people who are incredibly open with everyone they know about all of the sordid details, because sometimes I think it can have an AW-ish or strong woe is me component to it.

On the other hand, I feel deceptive and untrue to myself when I intentionally lead people to believe that the events that have defined my life for the past few years never occurred. It feels doubly deceptive if the people I mislead might be struggling with infertility themselves. What obligation if any do I have to the IF community to be open about our experiences? What does it say about me if I am unwilling to share - is that unwillingness coming from a place of shame?

If we are lucky enough to become pregnant do we have an obligation to share and educate others that we didn't have before or does this obligation not come into effect until we have actually made it to the other side with living child(ren) OR does it not exist ever - to each her own, with the understanding that what is right for some isn't right for everyone?

These are all unanswered questions for me. I am curious to hear your thoughts!

bed rest, day 10

Yesterday was my first foray into the outside world since getting home from the hospital. Wednesday is my appointment day. In the morning, we went to the MFM and did an ultrasound. There is still an area of bleeding. It is a little smaller than the initial area of bleeding when my last bleeding episode occurred, but I wish it was a lot smaller!

I am doing my best to drink lots of water, take my vitamins, eat well, and rest up in the hope that this damn thing will be reabsorbed and that the separation will heal. Today is my 10th day of bed rest. Honestly it is not so bad so far, if only because it is for a super important cause and I feel like a woman on a mission. I am trying to pace myself like this is a marathon - I pray that these babies will keeping baking for several more months.

We are still grappling with the move for the fellowship. My general feeling is that it is probably best to stay put in Israel for the long-haul now. I am more concerned that the stress of the move could tilt an already precarious situation in the wrong direction than actually going into PTL during the 12-hour flight.

The doctor did say if we are still committed to the move before the babies come and things are stable at 21-22 weeks that might be the golden window to fly. His reasoning was pretty morbid - if something catastrophic happens at that point, there is nothing we can do for the babies anyway, whereas if something happens at ~23-25 weeks, obviously there is something to be done. I try not to think about stuff like that too much, but my hunch is we will probably end up staying here and not flying at all.

Honestly, I think I am too scared to take the risk of flying even if the NICU care might be better in Toronto. It's a complicated decision, and I don't think we are going to be able to make a call on it until the time arrives.

After the MFM, I had an appointment in the afternoon with the hematologist. There are some platelet function tests that I did a few weeks ago that I need to repeat again next week. It's a little annoying they weren't repeated while I was in the hospital because the tests are only done at the hospital and only during certain hours and the hematologist needs to draw them himself. The main goal at this point is to develop a safe plan for my delivery since it may be be complicated by my fibroids, the placental issues, and my bleeding issues.

I am really trying to be more positive about everything. I got so down last week and I was really focused on my worst fears. Thinking about the babies as outside babies who will grow and thrive really helps me and I am trying to overcome my fear of looking at baby stuff. Honestly, spending some of my time looking at cute baby things online makes me feel better about things.

If anyone has any book/tv show/movie recommendations, I have plenty of time on my hands:) So far, I have been watching lots of Community and Party Down, two sitcoms I never got into when they came out.