Nov 6, 2012

beta anxiety (second edition)

Last night Y got a script from his dad for a beta, if I wanted to repeat it today instead of waiting. I toyed with idea - I figured if this pregnancy is truly on its way out right now (a possibility), it would be reflected in a beta that is the same as yesterday or falling. But an equally likely possibility, perhaps even more likely, is that the number would be up, maybe another slow rise, and repeating it within 24 hours instead of the traditional 48 would just make it unequivocal and hard to interpret. The final possibility, that my hcg is playing nice again, is also definitely possible, but just having the 24h result, I'd still be nervous.

So...I decided I would POAS this morning and if the FRER was clearly getting lighter, I would go in for another draw this morning to confirm a fall, if it looked the same or even darker, I would wait 48h for the next draw....very scientific, I know :)

I had a really weird dream that I was getting some work done in an empty classroom, which apparently involved spreading my possessions about, including a massive collection of saved FRERs from this pregnancy. In the dream, I proceeded to pack up most of my stuff, forgetting the FRERs, and realizing only too late that a class had begun and a bunch of kids were now in the room...WEIRD.

In my second dream, this morning's FRER shattered before I could really interpret the result. And for what it's worth, in reality, today's FRER looked the same as the one from 2 days ago, but since the pregnancy line is so much darker than the control line, it is hard to interpret beyond safely saying that my beta is not likely plummeting.

So now I get back on the waiting train. I know I was a bit dramatic last night....but I was really so sad and disappointed. I know I have a tendency to jump right to the post-mortem before disaster has been confirmed (or sometimes even, denied).

What doesn't help this tendency to jump to the worst conclusion whenever anything is less than perfect is my history. It seems that anytime anything is slightly less than stellar for me pregnancy-wise, it inevitably leads to a succession of events that culminates in something bad.

The truth is, I am barely coping with my fear and anxiety when everything is going perfectly, so when stuff goes less than perfectly, it really throws me a curve ball. For now, I am just trying to get through the day.

I know that betas that stop doubling nicely can be ominous and unfortunately, the first sign of a pregnancy that isn't doing well can be jittery betas, even if it's only weeks later that the pregnancy actually fails.

Two rather innocuous possibilities for the slower rise:
1) There were two embryos and now there's one....a vanishing twin. My betas have been higher than average, even for a twin pregnancy, according to betabase, though I know there is no hard science to predicting multiples based on betas...high betas can also of course correspond to a singleton who implanted on the earlier side. If there was in fact a vanishing twin, my betas should recover with the next draw.

2) Y suggested that perhaps I was a bit dehydrated for beta #2, artificially raising the result. If you consider only the first and third beta values, the overall doubling time is still within 48 hours.

I am so anxious about the future, but like with everything else, unfortunately only time will tell.


  1. Good luck - thinking of you.

  2. I don't think you were overly dramatic. Why wouldn't you assume things were going badly? I understand this completely - it is so hard to believe that the smallest sign is not pointing to disaster when disaster is mostly what you've known. I'm hoping that the betas keep rising. I couldn't bear the stress of beta testing this time around - this is such a hard place to be in, so invested and so powerless. Hoping, hoping, hoping for you. Of course, it has no bearing on outcome, but my god, you DESERVE this.

  3. Thinking of you and sending wishes for a wonderful beta!
    I know how nerve wracking this time is! Hugs!

  4. Your response to less than perfect results is exactly what my response would be, and any of us would have the same fears, I know we would. I think waiting 48 hours is best. From what I have read numbers often do not do much from one day to the next. It is the 2-3 day increase that matters. Thinking of you.

  5. I'm really hoping you start puking soon...that should make you feel lots better!!!

    Seriously...I'm really hoping this is the one for you guys.

  6. I agree with the other ladies. You have every right to feel the way you do. I had wonky betas from a vanishing twin. Now here I am with a sassy 10 month old...

    I am crossing EVERYTHING for you. And I too hope you start puking soon. ;-p

  7. Good luck. Thinking of you.