Dec 16, 2012

week 10 update

Today I am 10 weeks + 2. I am beginning to gain a little more confidence in this pregnancy, or at least feel a little more positive about our chances of making it through the 1st trimester, but I still worry constantly that everything could change in a second, maybe without me even knowing it.

I know I have written about it many times before, actually in a way that was eerily foreshadowing when I was pregnant with the twins, but I hate how when things go wrong you feel like such a sucker - like how could I have even thought that everything would turn out ok or how was I was oblivious to my fate.

Yet when things go well, you tend to feel just a little smug or you even berate yourself for having so much unfounded anxiety when everything is just dandy. And as I have also written before, of course the only thing separating Mrs. Sucker from Mrs. Smug is, well, the outcome of the pregnancy, but it's really something you have zero control over and sometimes while all available data points to yes, the outcome is still a no.

In the past week, we unearthed the doppler and I've been able to listen to the babe's heartbeat, so that has definitely been reassuring. Morning sickness has steadily gotten worse, which makes sense because it peaked pretty late with the twins, too. So far I have needed IV rehydration twice which is pretty unpleasant, but the intense vomiting (fun!), still hasn't been as frequent as with the twins. I am now taking diclectin a few times a day, which is a combo of vitamin B6 and antihistamine and that does seem to help, though it makes me really drowsy.

I also started packing up clothes that are clearly too tight and I've now taken out my maternity clothes. This feels like a leap of faith that I am just not totally comfortable with, but I am beginning to grow (mostly just bloat, I think) and it is pretty impractical to have all of these clearly too-tight clothes taking up space. I am more comfortable in mat jeans now than my regular jeans, but I don't plan on putting on any maternity shirts until the start of the new year, which will correspond to the beginning of 2nd tri, if I make it that far. I feel like maternity shirts make it really obvious, so in the mean time I prefer sticking to big sweaters.

I am weaning off of progesterone now, though the plan is to continue Prednisone until 12 weeks and then slowly taper between weeks 12-20. Even though I am on a low dose, I am definitely beginning to feel the side effects of 2 months of Prednisone but I can't complain.

I still have so much unresolved grief for Naava and Aminadav, which isn't at all surprising, but this new pregnancy definitely sometimes intensifies my grief. I just wish so so badly I had the chance to really get to know them and raise them. It is all so confusing - I know I wouldn't have THIS little one on the way if they had survived and I feel much more of an attachment to them than I do to this baby (I feel horrible just writing that) and I suppose all of that makes sense because I carried them for much longer and delivered two very real to me little people, whereas at 10 weeks this pregnancy is still obviously much more abstract.

Sometimes it definitely makes me feel guilty, like I am not 100% there for this little one. But I know that should this pregnancy G-d willing continue, my love for this baby will grow and grow, even if it might take me longer to become attached due to my past experiences and my ongoing grief. And little baby, I can't wait to get to know you and learn who YOU are.

 I think that is all the news fit to print in our corner...pretty boring, I think, but for now boring is good!


  1. I have had a really hard time putting on maternity clothes, too. Doesn't help that I threw most of them out the day after I found out A had died and I really, really don't feel like I can buy more: as if that would really be putting myself out there as Mrs. Sucker. And, like you say, I am also still far more attached to A than to this baby and it seems horrible to say that but there you have it. Attachment is hard after such terrible loss. I think it is a brave, brave thing just to get pregnant again- maybe there is only so much we can ask of ourselves for now. Hoping things stay boring.

  2. All of this was my experience also. I was still trying to digest the loss of M & A when I got pregnant again with Raz. The mourning will continue and it does make things confusing. It took me a while to connect with Raz the way I did with the twins...but it did happen. Maybe around 14 + weeks? I needed to see him and feel him. When I started to feel him move around 18 weeks, it became all the more real and I was able to love all my babies. My kind to yourself, there is no way to work through this and I know from experience that you will come to love this baby very much. It just takes a while to work through all the feelings involved.
    Congrats on 10 weeks!

  3. Thanks, guys. It is really a great comfort to follow behind 2 ladies whom I admire a lot! And also to know that these feelings are pretty normal given the circumstances.

  4. "sometimes while all available data points to yes, the outcome is still a no."

    I really get that sentiment. It seemed to ring true for me again and again and again.

    I am wishing that your pregnancy sustains fruitfully.

    Also, I am going to tell you something from my own experience. The fruit never tasted remains the most alluring. Of course you love your little one...but to have lost A and N so have it within reach and then watch it slip away...painfully, is not an easy ordeal.


  5. Hang in there - you're doing great! Cautiously optimistic... After such pain and sadness, I'm not sure how a person can shake fear completely.

  6. Hang in there. What I went through does not compare to what happened to your beautiful twins, but I can relate to not becoming too attached (somewhat) to this baby. However, my daughter is now 20 months, and I am so incredibly attached to her. I could not love her more. It will come for you, too. Give yourself time. Being cautious comes with the territory. I am so hopeful for you!

  7. Boring is great. I hope it continues! I'm sure it's going to take some time, but you will become attached to this little one. Being cautious is totally understandable.

  8. Just reading up on your journey and I'm very happy for you and this pregnancy, but can only imagine how you must be feeling after losing your two angels. Big hugs.x

  9. I've just been thinking about you...hoping you're doing ok.

  10. I hope things are still going well. Happy New Year!

  11. Boring is AMAZING. Boring is the best kind of pregnancy ever. I am just catching up after a long hiatus of not reading many blogs...and i m SO very pleased to catch up on your news!