week 10 update

Today I am 10 weeks + 2. I am beginning to gain a little more confidence in this pregnancy, or at least feel a little more positive about our chances of making it through the 1st trimester, but I still worry constantly that everything could change in a second, maybe without me even knowing it.

I know I have written about it many times before, actually in a way that was eerily foreshadowing when I was pregnant with the twins, but I hate how when things go wrong you feel like such a sucker - like how could I have even thought that everything would turn out ok or how was I was oblivious to my fate.

Yet when things go well, you tend to feel just a little smug or you even berate yourself for having so much unfounded anxiety when everything is just dandy. And as I have also written before, of course the only thing separating Mrs. Sucker from Mrs. Smug is, well, the outcome of the pregnancy, but it's really something you have zero control over and sometimes while all available data points to yes, the outcome is still a no.

In the past week, we unearthed the doppler and I've been able to listen to the babe's heartbeat, so that has definitely been reassuring. Morning sickness has steadily gotten worse, which makes sense because it peaked pretty late with the twins, too. So far I have needed IV rehydration twice which is pretty unpleasant, but the intense vomiting (fun!), still hasn't been as frequent as with the twins. I am now taking diclectin a few times a day, which is a combo of vitamin B6 and antihistamine and that does seem to help, though it makes me really drowsy.

I also started packing up clothes that are clearly too tight and I've now taken out my maternity clothes. This feels like a leap of faith that I am just not totally comfortable with, but I am beginning to grow (mostly just bloat, I think) and it is pretty impractical to have all of these clearly too-tight clothes taking up space. I am more comfortable in mat jeans now than my regular jeans, but I don't plan on putting on any maternity shirts until the start of the new year, which will correspond to the beginning of 2nd tri, if I make it that far. I feel like maternity shirts make it really obvious, so in the mean time I prefer sticking to big sweaters.

I am weaning off of progesterone now, though the plan is to continue Prednisone until 12 weeks and then slowly taper between weeks 12-20. Even though I am on a low dose, I am definitely beginning to feel the side effects of 2 months of Prednisone but I can't complain.

I still have so much unresolved grief for Naava and Aminadav, which isn't at all surprising, but this new pregnancy definitely sometimes intensifies my grief. I just wish so so badly I had the chance to really get to know them and raise them. It is all so confusing - I know I wouldn't have THIS little one on the way if they had survived and I feel much more of an attachment to them than I do to this baby (I feel horrible just writing that) and I suppose all of that makes sense because I carried them for much longer and delivered two very real to me little people, whereas at 10 weeks this pregnancy is still obviously much more abstract.

Sometimes it definitely makes me feel guilty, like I am not 100% there for this little one. But I know that should this pregnancy G-d willing continue, my love for this baby will grow and grow, even if it might take me longer to become attached due to my past experiences and my ongoing grief. And little baby, I can't wait to get to know you and learn who YOU are.

 I think that is all the news fit to print in our corner...pretty boring, I think, but for now boring is good!