Jan 13, 2013

14.5 weeks - long overdue update!

I am so far behind, I am not really sure where to begin. I often wish I had been much better at documenting my pregnancy with Aminadav and Naava since in the end, my pregnancy was the only time I had with them. I have mused about how I did a good job recording all the mundane details of our fertility treatments and yet I did such a crappy job of documenting the next stage. And here I am again, doing the exact same thing. Actually, I have been even worse about documenting this pregnancy than my pregnancy with the twins.

I suppose it gets back to the age-old question that has boggled many an infertility blogger - how do you blog about the next stage? Who is your audience? And based on your answers to those questions, how comfortable do you feel writing about pregnancy and maybe even parenting? 

I still feel pretty uncomfortable writing about pregnancy. I realize this is pretty stupid given that despite several pregnancies, including one that came very close to living take-home children, I know firsthand that pregnancy doesn't necessarily translate into a baby or babies in your arms and that pregnancy isn't always the holy grail to The Other Side. It is just another stage in the journey to The Other Side. Yet regardless of these experiences, it seems like I will never make the easy transition from infertility/baby loss blogging to pregnant after infertility/loss blogging. 

But I do still feel a tugging to document this pregnancy for myself, for this babe, and for anyone else out there who is experiencing something similar or will in the future. I am so incredibly grateful for this pregnancy. I still can't believe that it is my current reality. At the same time this pregnancy is also of course really complicated for me emotionally. I am very fearful that it could all be taken away from me at any moment and with each day further I get, I feel the stakes increasing. 

I also still desperately miss and long for Aminadav and Naava. I feel like I knew them. I still don't understand why they aren't here with me and I know if they were here, this baby wouldn't exist in the first place. That's complicated. I feel like I knew them. But not this little one. Not yet anyway. I ask all the time: Who are you? Who are you in there? 

And while I have not been busy imagining up a personality for this little one, I think of this baby as a he. I am nearly convinced of it. I will honestly be so happy with either a girl or a boy, but I will be a little surprised if this baby is a girl :) 

On the practical front, I had my first MFM appointment at 13 weeks. I stopped progesterone supps at 11 weeks and I am now tapering off Prednisone while continuing baby aspirin. We did the NT scan and the first tri screening blood work, but I won't have the results until my next appointment. I was just really satisfied to see that baby was still alive! I am so far very impressed with the MFM - he seems very compassionate and knowledgeable. 

At this stage, I will be going to the MFM every other week and they will check cervical length by u/s. I will also continue to be followed by the RPL specialist. At 20 weeks (assuming I get that far), we plan to start progesterone to prevent PTL. Since it is not so clear-cut whether there may have been an element of incompetent cervix in my PPROM and since the 2 D&Cs for retained placenta could have caused cervical damage, cervical change is something they will be closely monitoring. The other thing they will be monitoring closely is my placenta since I had a partial abruption with the twins preceding PPROM. The good news is no bleeding so far in this pregnancy. My next appointment is this Thursday at 15 weeks.

To wrap things up on a light note, here is a recent bump pic. I still treasure my bump pics from my pregnancy with the twins, so I know even if things don't turn out well this time, I'd still like the little momentos. Lastly, in silly news, the most exciting thing that happened this past week was that I got a Snoogle. I can't believe I was deprived of a pregnancy body pillow when I was pregnant with the twins and spent so much time in the hospital and on bed rest - I guess what I didn't know I was missing then couldn't hurt me.


  1. It's so nice to hear from you! Your little bump is adorable!! I feel very similar about certain things. Like how to blog now that I'm pregnant (I'm finally pregnant!) But I do want to document what I'm feeling and what's happening. Please keep writing :-) Take care hun. xo

  2. It's great that you are blogging, please continue to do so, you are an inspiration to others! I am hopeful that the NT results will be perfect & that all continues to go well. It must be comforting to have a competent MFM. Your bump is adorable, I look forward to more :)

  3. 14.5 weeks, wow! Hope everything continues going well, your bump looks great. :-)

  4. It's so good to hear everything is going well! I'm always hoping that no news is good news. Your bump looks great and I'm so so happy for you. I'm also glad you feel like you are getting good medical care. I miss you, we should skype soon.

  5. Been wondering about you! I think Mo's last post is really getting at what you're trying to address. Frankly, I think we all need to record our journeys in a manner that is true to what we are going through. Sure, it needs to be sensitive, but I don't think that's an issue for you. I would argue being unapologetic is going to be harder.

    Thinking of you as you begin to prepare for the next stage of this journey. High hopes that you'll sorrow through the 20 week mark and have an uneventful 2nd and 3rd trimester.

  6. Such a beautiful bump!

  7. I'm so glad things are going well. It sounds like you have a great team keeping a very close eye on things, which is so important. Your little bump is adorable!

  8. Thanks for all the well wishes, guys!

    Lisa - I know you are pregnant :) I am so happy and excited for you! I was actually trying to move your blog to the 'pregnant' tab on my blog list a few nights ago but my browser was being super stubborn, so I need to try that again.

    Gurlee - I hope all is well with you. You and your DH have been in my thoughts often.

    T - We really need a Skype date! I miss you!!

    Cristy- So excited for you and wishing you a smooth journey ahead.

  9. So glad things are (tfu tfu tfu) going okay! Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Let's hope this is your rainbow baby! Hope you are keeping warm in Toronto -- at least where I live (slightly south) it's pretty darn cold. Although I guess Yerushalayim had snow, so...) Anyway, keep feeling good and don't worry if it is hard to put faith in this pregnancy. Although I haven' been there I have a feeling that, God-wiling, when that baby comes you will bond no matter what. Hugs!

  10. I love your blog so much I've nominated you for the Liebster Award :)

    Liebster Award

  11. It's so easy to let time get away from you - don't beat yourself up about not updating, just try your best to enjoy THIS pregnancy for what it is. I'm glad all is well. xx

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  13. I'm so glad to hear that things are going well at the moment and hope they continue in the same way. It is such an emotional storm being pregnant after loss. I felt like I knew A so well when she died but it is different with this baby, who is only 5 weeks younger now than she was when she died. I love him and want him but there is also so much self-protection (which I suspect is futile anyway) involved. Crossing everything that your little one stays safe and strong.