Feb 21, 2011

In a fertile world of self-appointed fertility experts...

First off, happy February ICLW and welcome to anyone stopping by for the first time! Before I get to the real topic of this post, just a quick update to say that I had IUI #5 yesterday and I can't really put my finger on why, but I just have a good feeling about this cycle, so here's hoping for some good news in 2 weeks!

I've noticed a lot of posts springing up in the IF blogosphere lately about the decision to be open or private about IF treatments. Of course, completely open to completely private spans a wide gamut of in-between where I believe most of us probably fall. I don't see it as an all-or-nothing decision to keep your IF struggles private or to be open about it - while I am on the private side in 'real life', for me the decision of who to share with and how much to share with them is definitely very context- and situation-dependent.

All of this talk about the choice to be open about your IF journey got me thinking about what holds me back from sharing more. I realized the number one thing that drives me bonkers about being open about my issues is that in my personal experience, every woman who has successfully reproduced regards herself as a fertility specialist and therefore, more capable and clearly informed in the issues of reproduction, than me, their pitiful and woefully reproductively unsaavy pet project/friend/co-worker/daughter etc. This is especially true among women who had to, at one point, engage in the trying aspect of trying to conceive for more than 3 minutes (and by 3 minutes I mean one cycle) and therefore, believe they 'get it'. If they are especially saavy, they might tell me about this miracle pill called Clomid that their ob/gyn prescribed.

I find it particularly striking that when IF comes up in conversation (and again, I am not such a big sharer, so I am drawing upon a fairly narrow set of experiences), no fertile woman has ever just said to me "I am sorry" or "that really sucks." Instead it by default becomes a teaching/learning opportunity for them in which I am expected to assume the role of the helpless childless chick while they enlighten me on how I must relax or try this great pill called Clomid or this great pee stick called an OPK and comiserate with me about what it was like for them to be in my shoes. (I am not trying to minimize the tribulations of the normal TTC experience - I know that BFNs suck no matter what the cycle number, but at the same time I resent the assumption that by virtue of not having been successful, I must be less informed, when I spend such an exorbinant amount of time learning about and obsessing over every detail of human reproduction.)

I think it is interesting how us IFers are encouraged to be more open to spread awareness, yet whenever the topic comes up, it is I who is being made aware and supposed to learn from my fertile counterparts. I guess it makes me angry at myself that I allow that to be the dynamic - that I smile and nod and graciously accept their advice. Obviously, if another infertile who had been successful was trying to give me advice or comiserate, I would be grateful and inspired, but I haven't had the privilege of such an exchange yet off of the internet. The irony is not lost on me that if I were more open about my infertility, I would likely find kindred spirits among my circle of friends and acquaintances!

18 comments:

  1. Love this post! I totally know what you mean. I feel like the dorky chick in "She's All That" at times. Never mind the fact that I know that I am more knowledgeable on the subject than practically all of the fertiles I talk to...

    :)

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  2. No less maddenning are the women who HAVE been there but can't imagine that what's wrong with me may just be different than what was wrong with them. I have an IRL friend who has had 3 miscarriages, in the following pattern : Baby, Miscarriage, miscarriage, baby, miscarriage, baby. Of course her story sucks, but I'd go so far as to say not nearly as much as mine! (Miscarriage, miscarriage, miscarriage)
    She just can't seem to understand that just maybe my problem can't be solved by taking prenatals this time. (yeah...) She seemed unable to understand that I have a problem with my immune system and that I already take prenatals. *sigh*

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  3. I can totally relate to this post. I often get tired of the cliche things other women say.

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  4. You're so right! Why do people have to give such stupid advice all the time???

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  5. We were always super open about it, but I am a very open person with our friends and family. Even everyone at my job knew (which was only like six people, but still). I was glad we were open about it so I didn't have to fake being happy or feeling good, but I totally see your point too. Sometimes these things are just private and you don't need everyone's advice.

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  6. When I am feeling generous, I assume they are trying to relate to me (in much the same way that, if you get in a car accident, people will tell you all about their car accidents, or near-accidents, or that their cousin...).

    When I'm feeling bitter, I just say, "Thanks, but it's a lot more complicated than that for us."

    I'm pretty open but since MFI is our largest issue, I don't always go into all the details of *why* it's more complicated, because people DO judge my husband for it, which isn't fair and not something I want to expose him to. (Coworkers, etc., really don't need to know about his sperm.)

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  7. I can relate to that definitely, but in opening up more I've actually started finding more people who are infertile. A friend I've known for YEARS had her twins via Clomid/IUI and I don't think she ever would have disclosed it. There's so much shame involved, who knows why. There just is. And when the fertiles give me stupid advice, I usually say whatever comes to mind - tactful or not :) No biggie, I can just blame it on the hormones ;-)

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  8. Relate to this post.. the more stories I read, the more I want to 'open up' the IF world so that it becomes less hidden and almost shameful and to do this, I'd have to be honest with everyone who asks if I want kids/why I'm off work etc. But I can't cope with the advice/concerned looks/pity/nosey questions that would accompany that.. plus with MFI, my bloke would freak if I told people about the reason for our difficulties!

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  9. I found your blog through ICLW. Fantastic post. When you talked about how everyone feels the need to give advice, you are SO RIGHT. No one can ever just say 'I'm sorry'. Or when I mention that I had two miscarriages, they say things like, 'well, we almost lost our baby too...I spotted in the beginning'. I'm sorry, but that isn't the same experience!

    Anyways, just wanted to say good luck this cycle and I hope this TWW goes by quickly for you with a happy ending! Look forward to reading more.

    ps - nice background ;)

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  10. Great that you have a good feeling about this cycle :) I can completely relate too... I never realised how common pregnancy loss and IF were until it happened to me - and others told me their stories too. Unfortunately it's a silent sorrow in our world at the moment - one day it will change xoxo

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  11. I so agree. I particularly can't stand nosy coworkers who a) ask me when we're planning to have kids b) tell me having kids is nothing special because it's so "easy" to do.

    Good luck with this cycle!

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  12. Over here from ICLW - and I think this is the same the world over. I don't know if it is lack of empathy or sheer ignorance. And I'm not sure which I would is better...but I send you huge love and luck for the future xxxx

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  13. I've thought about opening up more and letting the people I know IRL know what's going on, but after how our parents responded, I don't know if I want to. There is only so many times I can go through our story and retell it all to people that haven't even come close to going through anything similar.

    It's a lot like talking to some one that has just taken a course on what you do for a living. They are going to talk to you like it's some new info that just fell from the sky and you with all your knowledge and expert friends/Drs haven't figured it out yet.

    Wishing you luck on your 5th IUI! (ps - I'm also in the M. Bio research field and curious about your job/work!)

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  14. I too blogged about this very topic at the end of December. Ugg. I can so relate. I started out pretty open about our IVF, but regretted sharing in a few instances.

    thanks for the comment on my blog. Hope your 2ww goes quickly!

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  15. I totally agree and love this post. I have a friend, who has one daughter and is 8 months pregnant with a boy, who told me I just "need to have more sex". Really?

    I am trying to stay hopeful and feel that it's blogs like yours that help me do so. Thank you.

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  16. Yes! Great post. I'm fairly open about it in real life now but it came about really slowly. Even so, I don't intend to ever let the "real world" know about my blog if I can help it :)

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  17. So true! We share with about 50% of our family/friends at this point, and everyone always had advice like "just relax, these things take time." So freakin' frustrating. Just b/c we're fertility-challenged doesn't make us uninformed!

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  18. I think I have had more benefit from sharing than I have had insensitive comments.

    I have had plenty of insensitive comments mind you. Usually it is advice on how to get pregnant which shows they haven't really listened to what I have said as I don't want to get pregnant naturally (am having PGD to prevent muscular dystrophy).

    The benefits I have had from sharing is finding other people in similar situations and avoiding the when are you going to have kids question.

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