happy 2012 and an update!

I have unfortunately been pretty shoddy updating these days. The past few weeks have been mostly good, but have certainly had their ups and downs! The most (unfortunately) eventful thing that happened was that last Friday night I started bleeding bright red. My last pregnancy, I had some brown spotting, which I was reassured was completely within the realm of normal. Unfortunately, it was in retrospect the only real sign of my missed miscarriage, so bleeding bright red at 9 weeks, even though it wasn't a lot, definitely brought back our worst fears.

I was still spotting the next morning, so we decided to go to the emergency room. It was actually my first ER visit ever in Israel, and the third one of my life overall, and I was surprised with how efficient and professional they were. Thank G-d the ultrasound showed 2 heartbeats, though the resolution on the machine was pretty poor, so we weren't able to see much more than that. It was such a huge relief - we were up the whole night Friday, trying to prepare ourselves for horrible news.

I had ketones in my pee when we were at the ER, so I got a few liters of fluid and IV Zofran. In general, the morning sickness has been pretty miserable, but it is what I would expect with twins, and honestly, it seems like a small price to pay as long as I can still get enough fluids and nutrients to keep the babies going strong. I have had a few particularly horrible days, but I seem to be in better shape now that I am on a consistent schedule with Zofran. I have it every morning first thing with a popsicle in bed and it seems to help start things off on the right foot.

Today, since it was the weekend, I procrastinated a bit on taking the Zofran and I really paid for it. Luckily, Y has brought home all of the supplies to give me IV fluids at home, which has been a great set-up. He has saved us many trips to the urgent care clinic or ER by giving me fluids at home, and it is much more comfortable to be in my bed than somewhere else.

Y and I have both been reading Dr. Luke's book When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads and as a result, we are realizing how important proper weight gain is for a multiples pregnancy. Dr. Luke's main schtick is that you can maximize your chances of a positive multiples pregnancy outcome with proper nutrition and also by gaining a lot more weight than with a singleton pregnancy and than conventional wisdom would dictate.

I do believe that this is something worth focusing on since I feel like it is one of the very few factors I have control over in determining our pregnancy outcome. Honestly, it is quite daunting though, since she emphasizes the importance of weight gain early in pregnancy and I am having such a difficult time just trying to eat what I usually do, never mind 1000+ calories more, because of the morning sickness. Still, I am really going to try to step it up with the eating.

After the bleeding episode, we had a routine ultrasound and appointment with our RE. Initially, both babies were measuring 4 days behind based on CRL. As of last week, baby aleph was measuring 1 day behind and baby bet was measuring 2 days behind, so I am feeling pretty good about their progress. The only thing that is a little strange is that baby bet's gestational sac has been measuring behind. In ultrasound pictures, you can definitely see that baby bet has less room in his/her sac than baby aleph, whose sac is more consistent with his/her gestational age. Hopefully this is meaningless.

My fibroids also have been growing quite a bit, and the ultrasound tech pointed out one that is adjacent to baby bet. Hopefully, the fibroids will behave themselves and the babies will be unimpeded with all of the space they need to grow and thrive. The source of the bleeding was never identified, though everyone did say that bleeding is more common in pregnancies with multiples. I spent most of last week at home on modified bedrest as a precaution to minimize the chance that the bleeding would start again, and thankfully, I haven't seen anything since last weekend.

Our next ultrasound is the NT scan, which will be on January 16 at 12w3d. I am excited for that to be done and over with and I pray that it goes well - then maybe we will consider beginning to share our pregnancy. I have an appointment with a high-risk ob/gyn a few days after the NT scan and then a hematology appointment about a week after that.

In other news, I bought a home doppler online a few days ago and it should arrive very soon. I paid a small fortune in shipping since the 2 major options seemed to be ordering it from the U.S. (but with only one international shipping method which is express and very pricey) or via eBay from China (but with only one international shipping method which is 'economy' and could take 4 weeks). I decided to take the hit and order it from the U.S. with express delivery :)

I think that is pretty much all that is new around here - this was quite a long update. I still think about how fragile all of this every single day. As I am slowly becoming a little less anxious about miscarriage, though, I am also feeling more and more grateful to be where we are right now. I really hope and pray I will hold 2 healthy babies in my arms in 2012 - it will be the fulfillment of my wildest dreams if this all pans out. To my buddies still in waiting, I pray that 2012 will bring the fulfillment of your wildest dreams, too!

Lastly, here are a few pics from our last ultrasound at 9w2d:

7w3d - still kickin'!

I am so relieved today is over. Thankfully, both babies are still alive and growing! 7w3d is when I found out that my pregnancy was doomed last time, so I was pretty uneasy about having an ultrasound at 7w3d. Now I can finally begin to feel that this pregnancy is entirely different from my last pregnancy and stop with the constant comparisons. I can't believe I will wake up tomorrow morning at 7w4d and still (presumably) be pregnant...and so, the uncharted territory begins!

Baby Aleph, who was measuring 4 days behind last week is now measuring 2 days behind, at 7w1d. Baby Bet, who was also measuring 4 days behind last week, is still measuring 4 days behind but at least he/she is growing proportionately. Also, both babies definitely have a yolk sac, which is good to know after the scare last week when the u/s tech couldn't find Baby Bet's yolk sac! The nurse I spoke to told me today that she thought that was super weird and she had never seen in a report before that a baby had a heartbeat but no yolk sac was observed. I knew it was strange, too, but I am glad she waited until today to tell me she had never seen that happen before!

The only thing that is a little disconcerting is that both of the babies' gestational sacs are measuring quite small. I know I find something new to Google grimly and obsess over after every ultrasound. Also, I have a SCH. I am a little surprised because last week, when I was actually complaining of a little spotting, the u/s tech didn't find any source for it. This week she said that the SCH might cause more spotting or outright bleeding but hopefully it will just be reabsorbed. My next ultrasound is scheduled for 9w2d.

Since I can no longer button my jeans, I was brave and went to the maternity store to buy a belly band. My first pregnancy-related purchase - I really, really hope this is not something I will regret in the coming days and weeks! I know I made that mistake last time. I am trying to focus on being more grateful and less anxious. It is hard for me to feel properly appreciative and really, awe-struck that this is actually happening when I spend sooooo much emotional energy worrying. I now understand more than ever how you can remain infertile in mindset when you are, in fact, pregnant in body.

Here are some pictures from today of our little smudges:

the google monster

Need to STOP googling vanishing twin syndrome. I am performing my usual night-before-ultrasound CRAZY routine. The intense cramping that came on suddenly isn't helping things (I really hope that's just growing and stretching). I feel like we used up all of our good luck with our last ultrasound. Please let me see 2 growing, thriving babes tomorrow.

1st ultrasound - 2 heartbeats!

This is a pretty long overdue update. I wish my thoughts on blogging during pregnancy weren't so complicated and conflicted. The last few weeks have certainly been an adventure. For so long I was so hell-bent on just getting pregnant (a big deal), I never really thought very much about our previous loss or how it might feel to actually be pregnant again. When you're entrenched in the IVF circuit, it is just always one foot in front of the other. All you can really afford to worry about and obsess over is the next step. I think that kind of singular focus is a survival mechanism just to get through and it has served me well. It did, however, leave me pretty unprepared to deal with the anxieties of pregnancy.

The past few weeks I have spent pretty much in a panic, re-living the awful ultrasound that showed our baby had stopped developing over and over again in my head, continually trying to "prepare" myself for the other shoe to drop, if you can ever be prepared for that. My lowest point so far was last weekend, in the days leading up to our first ultrasound. My symptoms had noticeably changed late during my 5th week/beginning of the 6th week. They hadn't totally disappeared, they were just different. I had also begun to spot a little, which last time was basically the only indication I had (in retrospect) that I had lost the baby.

I totally convinced myself I was having another missed miscarriage. I even managed to convince Y I was having another missed miscarriage, and we spent a lot of time discussing how we would move forward from that (yes, my super rational, logical husband spent many hours discussing with me how we would move forward from my imaginary miscarriage).

I think the thing that really freaked me out last time was not knowing I had lost the pregnancy until the ultrasound. It made me feel even less in control and so carelessly oblivious - while I was buying my first pair of maternity jeans (will never do that again until I really, really need them), filled with a smug sense of purpose, I was totally unaware that I was walking around carrying a baby that was no longer developing. I know I can't prevent a loss from occurring, but after that I vowed to never be that happy-go-lucky oblivious girl again.

Anyhow, we walked into the fertility clinic totally somber and demoralized last Sunday morning, expecting bad news. How surprised we were to see one healthy-looking string bean with a heartbeat! "Is it just one?" I asked the u/s tech. I didn't mean it as an insult to the one fine-looking string bean, like "Is it just one?", but that seems to be how the ultrasound tech took it. I was just genuinely curious. "Don't say just one, one is great!", exclaimed the u/s tech. We both nodded our heads and agreed, one baby with a heartbeat was awesome! But then she said, "Wait....there's another sac," and then "...and another heartbeat." Wow, wow, wow.

Once I read over the ultrasound report I did find a few areas of concern - one is that both babies were measuring 4 days behind and the second being that the tech didn't observe a yolk sac for baby Bet. From my understanding, it is highly unusual perhaps even impossible to have a heartbeat without a yolk sac, since it is a developmental milestone that precedes the heartbeat. It is possible, however, to have either an enlarged or shrunken yolk sac if miscarriage is imminent. It is also totally possible that the yolk sac was just hiding and not visible from the angle the u/s tech was looking at. My RE seems optimistic, but says obviously there is nothing to do but wait now, anyway. My next scan is on Monday at 7w3d. Y can't come, so my friend B is going to come with me. I really hope both babies are alive and growing! Please G-d, keep them safe.