Dec 9, 2011

1st ultrasound - 2 heartbeats!

This is a pretty long overdue update. I wish my thoughts on blogging during pregnancy weren't so complicated and conflicted. The last few weeks have certainly been an adventure. For so long I was so hell-bent on just getting pregnant (a big deal), I never really thought very much about our previous loss or how it might feel to actually be pregnant again. When you're entrenched in the IVF circuit, it is just always one foot in front of the other. All you can really afford to worry about and obsess over is the next step. I think that kind of singular focus is a survival mechanism just to get through and it has served me well. It did, however, leave me pretty unprepared to deal with the anxieties of pregnancy.

The past few weeks I have spent pretty much in a panic, re-living the awful ultrasound that showed our baby had stopped developing over and over again in my head, continually trying to "prepare" myself for the other shoe to drop, if you can ever be prepared for that. My lowest point so far was last weekend, in the days leading up to our first ultrasound. My symptoms had noticeably changed late during my 5th week/beginning of the 6th week. They hadn't totally disappeared, they were just different. I had also begun to spot a little, which last time was basically the only indication I had (in retrospect) that I had lost the baby.

I totally convinced myself I was having another missed miscarriage. I even managed to convince Y I was having another missed miscarriage, and we spent a lot of time discussing how we would move forward from that (yes, my super rational, logical husband spent many hours discussing with me how we would move forward from my imaginary miscarriage).

I think the thing that really freaked me out last time was not knowing I had lost the pregnancy until the ultrasound. It made me feel even less in control and so carelessly oblivious - while I was buying my first pair of maternity jeans (will never do that again until I really, really need them), filled with a smug sense of purpose, I was totally unaware that I was walking around carrying a baby that was no longer developing. I know I can't prevent a loss from occurring, but after that I vowed to never be that happy-go-lucky oblivious girl again.

Anyhow, we walked into the fertility clinic totally somber and demoralized last Sunday morning, expecting bad news. How surprised we were to see one healthy-looking string bean with a heartbeat! "Is it just one?" I asked the u/s tech. I didn't mean it as an insult to the one fine-looking string bean, like "Is it just one?", but that seems to be how the ultrasound tech took it. I was just genuinely curious. "Don't say just one, one is great!", exclaimed the u/s tech. We both nodded our heads and agreed, one baby with a heartbeat was awesome! But then she said, "Wait....there's another sac," and then "...and another heartbeat." Wow, wow, wow.

Once I read over the ultrasound report I did find a few areas of concern - one is that both babies were measuring 4 days behind and the second being that the tech didn't observe a yolk sac for baby Bet. From my understanding, it is highly unusual perhaps even impossible to have a heartbeat without a yolk sac, since it is a developmental milestone that precedes the heartbeat. It is possible, however, to have either an enlarged or shrunken yolk sac if miscarriage is imminent. It is also totally possible that the yolk sac was just hiding and not visible from the angle the u/s tech was looking at. My RE seems optimistic, but says obviously there is nothing to do but wait now, anyway. My next scan is on Monday at 7w3d. Y can't come, so my friend B is going to come with me. I really hope both babies are alive and growing! Please G-d, keep them safe.


  1. Yay! Congratulaions! And GL at your next scan!

  2. Congratulations!!! Sending you lots of luck for your next scan and hoping that Baby B was just hiding its yolk sac!! Two heartbeats is SO awesome!! :)

  3. I am very familiar with how scary ultrasounds can be, and how after a loss you'll never be so naive again. I'm almost 13w with my twins and I can tell you my first ultrasound and picture were very similar to yours. At this early stage a four day discrepancy on measurements is not concerning. A different tech on a different machine could measure your babies four days ahead just as easily because every mm counts so much. Since they know how far along you are I doubt they were too concerned getting the most accurate measurements.

    Sorry to write such a novel but I wanted to attempt to ease your fears, even just a little! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you on Monday!

  4. Congratulations!!! So exciting!!!

  5. This is so exciting! Congrats! Keeping you and the little ones in my thoughts and hoping and praying your next scan goes great!

  6. Fantastic. I know all too well how it feels waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a hard place to be. I am really, really hopeful that these two little ones are going to stick around!
    Remember, you are not alone in the awkward transition stage!

  7. Great news. I know the fear. Wish I had some words of wisdom, but alas, I'm in the same boat. Just crossing my fingers for you!

  8. Your post make me cry, A. I'm just so darn happy for you!

    I had similar beta numbers, but only one sac, one fetus (hopefully I'll go home with one baby).

    But TWINS! Now, will you stop with the overactive imagination and just be pregnant, already!!?? (said with love!)

  9. A, I am so happy for you! I can't imagine your relief during that appointment.

    I've not ever had a loss, so I can't pretend to understand your anxiety and worry over the past week, but I'm sorry you had to endure that. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive DH, and that is so important at this vulnerable state we are in!

    I think your assessment of IVF and the singular focus is completely spot-on. I couldn't agree more! It does seem like now we just move on to obsessing in the new steps... betas, ultrasounds, etc. I'm sure it's never ending :/

  10. Thank you so much for all of the kind thoughts and reassurance, guys! It means so much to me right now and I know I am not in this boat alone.

  11. Oh my goodness! What amazing news!!! xx