the (great) unexpected

So…this is very strange for me. This was something I wasn't anticipating at all. I actually feel pretty uncomfortable writing about it. In my last post, I mentioned that before getting back into the IVF grind I was doing a long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle, just to help pass the time.

I also mentioned it was a bit of an experiment - I thought it was a little uncanny that both of the 2/5 IVF transfers when we used Prednisone I conceived. With IVF, there are so many variables, it was obviously impossible to speculate too much about the role of the Prednisone. I did wonder, though, if our problem was really of the implantation/autoimmune variety, whether I might be able to get pregnant with minimal intervention if I was on Prednisone.

It still obviously seemed like a total long-shot with my history -- after 6 IUIs and 5 IVF transfers you don't realistically expect to get KU with $60 worth of pills. But it happened. Y and I are both shocked that this far-fetched experiment to pass the time before our upcoming IVF consults following the epic Canadian wait has worked…at least so far.

Even if this cycle doesn't result in a successful pregnancy, I think it has taught us a lot. We really need to re-address some of our most basic assumptions about the nature of my infertility and its treatment -- specifically, considering the autoimmune angle.

I got a positive hpt at 11dpo, the day after I wrote my last post. Today my first beta at 13dpo was 146. Obviously, we are feeling very cautious and guarded. We've experienced so many different ways of pregnancy not working out, it feels like a bit of a mine field and it is really hard to have any expectations at all, especially this early.

Also, I have been spotting the last 2 days which makes me pretty nervous, though the first beta helped to allay my fears a little bit. I go back on Friday for beta 2. Please keep us in your thoughts that this turns out well.

I am feeling really guarded in sharing the news this time around even on the blog -- still trying to process this really surprising but obviously extremely welcome news myself.

Here we go again. Let's do this.

well, hello there :)

After a lengthy break, I am going to try to get back into the writing groove again. I know I have been pretty silent over the last few months, but I have been following along in my reader most days and thinking of all the courageous, strong, smart, and funny women out there. My grief does tend to turn me inwards for long periods of time and it is hard for me to write, but now that we are getting back into the concrete stuff, there should be more to write about than my sadness.

Where are we? Well probably pretty close to getting right back in the thick of things. After our long Canadian-style wait, we have 2 consults coming up the week after next. I am due to get AF in a few days and then I go to get my AMH drawn and the usual CD3 bloodwork. Y did a new S/A last week and he also did the DNA fragmentation test for the first time.

I have a SHG scheduled for the week after this coming one, right before we dive into the consults. The SHG will be important because we need to reach a final consensus on those damn fibroids before proceeding (the current leaning is no surgery, but we need to reach a confident decision) and because it will hopefully rule out scar tissue/adhesions.

My cycles have been a good deal shorter and lighter since I gave birth and the complications that came after, so the hope is that the shorter and lighter cycles are a good thing and not indicative of Asherman's Syndrome, which I am unfortunately at pretty high risk for due to my history of multiple D&Cs and retained placenta.

I am sure I will have lots to talk about when we look into both clinics we are considering. Both clinics have different options which could be interesting or useful to us -- Clinic A has a very well-regarded RPL specialist who conducts clinical trials in that area. They also do a lot of blastocyst transfer and offer PGS (need to clarify which type of PGS). Clinic B offers endometrial co-culture and routinely prescribes intralipids.

We might end up not going for any extra bells and whistles at all, but it will definitely be interesting to learn about the different possibilities and also to have a fresh set of eyes review our case. All that being said, I am still feeling ambivalent about getting back into cycling from an emotional perspective, not to mention the immense cost.

In short, these upcoming consults will hopefully be worthwhile and interesting but we are not yet 100% committed to cycling again in the near future. Also, the SHG results could be a big game changer -- potentially surgery vs. beginning the path of working towards surrogacy if Asherman's is an issue.

This past cycle has been somewhat of a hail-Mary-type (I don't think we have an equivalent expression in Judaism) long-shot attempt...since I am still unexplained and we thought it was uncanny that the 2/5 IVF transfers that yielded a positive pregnancy test were the only transfers I took Prednisone, we did a cheapy Clomid/Prednisone cycle this month just for the hell of it before we prepare to shell-out big time to re-enter the IVF circuit. I will of course let you guys know if anything comes of it, but it is a real long-shot.

the worst thing that could happen

Funny story: We met a couple at my in-laws' synagogue today who had lived in Israel for a while. Their 4th child was born in Israel at Hospital X. The wife was saying to us that having a baby in Israel was difficult and that Hospital X was a bad experience for her. 

She detailed her list of complaints (I do not judge them at all, but suffice it to say her and her child are both happy & healthy today). Y and I were both smiling and nodding when she exclaimed "Omg! I hope I didn't just scare you from having a baby at Hospital X!" Once she walked away, we couldn't stop laughing. Needless to say we didn't mention our twins born there.