This morning (12dp3dt) I went in for my beta, which was zero. There were no surprises here- after testing on 9dp3dt I tested again on 11dp3dt with another FRER, so it was pretty obvious to me that neither of those beautiful embryos took. Tonight I indulged in my monthly fertility treatment failure sushi extravaganza, of course complete with a glass of red wine. Is it sad or funny or both that I can measure my failures in sushi dinners?
We started this tradition of going out for sushi whenever a treatment failed and/or AF arrived early on in our (in)fertility journey. I remember many a tearful sushi dinner - dinners when I would just burst into tears at the table and the waiter or waitress and people seated around us would do their best to pretend not to notice or sushi dinners when Y would order for me while I sobbed in the restaurant bathroom.
These days with the arrival of bad news every month, I just look forward to the sushi with gleeful anticipation for raw fish. I am much happier, calmer, and more content at our monthly sushi extravaganza. The evolution of the sushi dinners is an interesting frame of reference in how I have changed over time with respect to how I view my infertility.
I am not going to say that it has gotten easier, but my infertility certainly has taken on a chronic disease-like role in how I view it and how it affects my life. It is now a permanent part of my identity and I continue life with it or in spite of it or around it, whereas once it was a constant state of crisis. That sounds awful, but in some sense it was also hopeful - a state of crisis is temporary, it is not sustainable in the long-term. In a strange way, the sense of crisis was an indulgence. It meant that I saw a way out of the crisis and that I in fact expected a way out any day.
Now I ease my way into that huge plate of sushi with a singular focus toward that deliciously raw salmon and tuna - no tears, none of that rawness or surprise or lack of control that I once felt with each new failure. This is my new normal - how could I expect anything different than for things to continue just as they have been and just as they are? How could I reasonably expect not to fail?