Jul 4, 2011

IVF #1 = BFN

This morning (12dp3dt) I went in for my beta, which was zero. There were no surprises here- after testing on 9dp3dt I tested again on 11dp3dt with another FRER, so it was pretty obvious to me that neither of those beautiful embryos took. Tonight I indulged in my monthly fertility treatment failure sushi extravaganza, of course complete with a glass of red wine. Is it sad or funny or both that I can measure my failures in sushi dinners?

We started this tradition of going out for sushi whenever a treatment failed and/or AF arrived early on in our (in)fertility journey. I remember many a tearful sushi dinner - dinners when I would just burst into tears at the table and the waiter or waitress and people seated around us would do their best to pretend not to notice or sushi dinners when Y would order for me while I sobbed in the restaurant bathroom.

These days with the arrival of bad news every month, I just look forward to the sushi with gleeful anticipation for raw fish. I am much happier, calmer, and more content at our monthly sushi extravaganza. The evolution of the sushi dinners is an interesting frame of reference in how I have changed over time with respect to how I view my infertility.

I am not going to say that it has gotten easier, but my infertility certainly has taken on a chronic disease-like role in how I view it and how it affects my life. It is now a permanent part of my identity and I continue life with it or in spite of it or around it, whereas once it was a constant state of crisis. That sounds awful, but in some sense it was also hopeful - a state of crisis is temporary, it is not sustainable in the long-term. In a strange way, the sense of crisis was an indulgence. It meant that I saw a way out of the crisis and that I in fact expected a way out any day.

Now I ease my way into that huge plate of sushi with a singular focus toward that deliciously raw salmon and tuna - no tears, none of that rawness or surprise or lack of control that I once felt with each new failure. This is my new normal - how could I expect anything different than for things to continue just as they have been and just as they are? How could I reasonably expect not to fail?

17 comments:

  1. Oh hon, I'm so sorry. I get that you're trying to be level headed, and I can't blame you for your pessimism, but I'm still upset to read it. Sending huge hugs your way!

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  2. I'm so sorry about the BFN. I know this is tough, and I hope the sushi helped... Hugs!

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  3. I am so sorry. I think your description of how you feel is spot on. As the journey wares on our coping mechanisms evolve. Sending you positive thoughts and I'm ready to cheer you on your continuing quest. (((hugs)))

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  4. I am so sorry. I can completely identify with the way your responses to monthly disappointments (what an understatement) have evolved, and when I say evolved, it is in the truest sense of the word.

    Infertility is what it is. All we can control is our outlook and response to it. Not letting it beat us down is the best way to give it the finger.

    We are here for the next step, whenever that may be. Stay strong, and enjoy every bite of your sushi dinner (((((hugs))))))

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  5. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you there are those little indulgences to help soften the fall along the way. Hoping success in this comes to you soon!

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  6. I'm so sorry about the BFN. I know what you mean about the 'new normal' I've reached a place where I can't actually imagine things going well.

    I know this isn't really the point, but this was a really well written post and I really felt for you.

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  7. Sorry 'Marc' is actually my husband, I didn't realise he was signed in.

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  8. Sorry about the BFN. That sushi sounds pretty delicious. Sounds like you are dealing everything well. Will you be doing a FET soon?

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  9. I'm glad you've got your indulgences to help you get through the disappointment, but I'm so very sorry you had another disappointment to get through.

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  10. I'm so sorry about the BFN :( But I understand what you mean - this journey is a marathon, not a sprint and it's impossible to maintain that crisis-level of intensity. xx

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  11. I am so sorry. I hope your wtf appointment goes well. ((hugs))

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  12. I'm so sorry, there's nothing to say besides that it sucks. Enjoy your sushi, and I totally understand how this becomes like a chronic disease. It gets to a point that you don't even remember what the goal of everything is, just the trudging through it.

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  13. Sucks. I'm so sorry to hear this. We also do a sushi dinner at the end of every cycle. I like how you put that infertility has taken on a chronic disease-like role in your life - that's so true. It's always there, but you're learning to live with it, or live in spite of it.

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  14. I am so, so sorry :(

    ((HUGS))

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  15. I remember feeling exactly like your last two sentences, how could I ever succeed when I am marked for failure, when that is my normal? But...you only feel this way until it works. Then success feels just as natural as failure used to feel. the mind is a funny place. It sucks big time though, even with the sushi.

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  16. Thanks so much for the kind thoughts as usual, ladies! Good point, MrsH.

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