retrieval tomorrow

Tomorrow I go in for my ER bright & early. I am really a bundle of nerves - so many what-ifs running through my brain as usual. I started off this cycle so optimistic. I was really making a conscious effort to stay as positive and calm as possible. I am still trying, but as the cycle unfolds and I have more & more information available, it becomes so hard!

I know in every cycle previously I constantly adjusted and managed my expectations as the cycle progressed, and this has been a splendid defense mechanism to prevent me from ever being surprised or caught off-guard by a negative beta, but on the other hand, I really would like to be able to keep up some positive energy and I just want so, so badly for this to be the time things are different.

We are in a new Jewish calendar year, we are at a new clinic with a new doctor - I have just been so ready for a change of luck. My pragmatic side realizes that just feeling ready for a change in luck or any sense of entitlement that I really *deserve* this for all of the crap I have been through, doesn't really make it any more likely to happen; I mean if this was about what is fair, I like to believe I would have had a screaming baby in my arms quite some time ago. But please G-d, still, can't this time be different?

The truth is that even with the tweaks in my protocol, this cycle is eerily reminiscent of my last fresh cycle, right down to the E2 that initially rises nicely but then stalls such that my E2 and my follicle growth become somewhat inconsistent with each other and right down to the 2 dominant follicles (I often wonder if these 2 big guys are sequestering all of the drugs for themselves and not playing nice with their friendly ovarian compatriots? :) ). In a way it is humbling how even with changes to my protocol, it seems my body is just going to do what it's going to do despite our best efforts to steer it a little differently.

I don't mean to be all gloom and doom - I still did get a respectable number of eggs last time (though this time it seems like there may be less), but it is so difficult for me not to let all those familiar doubts come rushing back in. My friend T will also be doing ER with me tomorrow morning - companionship that I feel very lucky for. I really hope next time I write I will have some good news to report!