in which my body made the choice for me...

This round of IVF has become somewhat of a disaster. My right ovary is on vacation, not responding at all. The ultrasound technician says there is something on that ovary, probably a cyst. My E2 was very low at baseline so whatever it is, it seemed unlikely to be functional and interfere with things, but it is now the only explanation of why my right ovary won't do anything. I am now on 2x my usual dose of stims trying to max out what the left side can produce.

None of that in of itself is so terrible, but yesterday my progesterone more than doubled. In short, this means the environment is no longer supportive of implantation, so the plan is to cut the cycle short, do retrieval on Sunday, and then likely freeze whatever we can get in terms of embryos. If we get 3-6 eggs, I don't think we will have much in the way of embryos, but things don't look good for a fresh transfer this month.

The other problem is my uterus. When I had my follow-up scan after the operative hysteroscopy, there was still a small amount of residual "stuff." The gynecologist wanted to wait until I had a good bleed and do another scan at the beginning of my cycle herself to see how things look and then send me for another diagnostic hysteroscopy if things still didn't look good. Then I got the crazy idea that I wanted to do another IVF before we leave for Y's fellowship. And I got lazy. If I needed to get a baseline scan at the fertility clinic anyway at the start of my cycle, I didn't want to also trudge back to her for a baseline scan as well. She said that was up to me, I should just let her know how everything goes.

The baseline scan at the fertility clinic wasn't perfect, but it was good enough for them and I explained to the ultrasound technician the context, so she knew what she was looking for. She said my lining was very thick for the beginning of the cycle and that there was a small echogenic area which could be something or nothing, but at any rate, it was probably on its way out with my period. My next two scans were both with different technicians and they both said my uterus now looked fine. Cue major sigh of relief.

Yesterday was yet another technician. She said there was a small amount of fluid in the uterus (never a good thing) and that there is still an echogenic area with blood flow (not good at all). Also, my lining is inexplicably getting thinner instead of thicker. I don't even know how that is possible. Now my RE says he will take a look at the uterus as well when he does my ER but a fresh transfer is likely off the table anyway due to the rising progesterone.

I guess my body decided for me that it is not ready to make and carry another baby yet. I am quite sad and frustrated because I don't know when our next opportunity will be to cycle again since we are leaving for a year. I know it was wishful thinking to have a smooth and successful IVF so soon after losing the twins and I know I have been a lot less emotionally involved in this cycle than I usually am, but honestly, I am still not at peace with this and it makes me so sad. I come back to it every time - I will never understand why this has to be so so hard.