the embryo transfer blues

Despite my best attempts at apathy, TTC again is really hard. I so desperately want to be pregnant again, but everything I've been doing to try to make it happen feels like a form of punishment. I think constantly about how if the twins were to arrive now they would most likely be alive and well, and that causes me a lot of pain.

Every action we take to make a new baby is a reminder of the babies who were supposed to be here with us right now. Sometimes it is just too cruel. I do still think this was the right choice for us -- to jump back into IVF again so soon after, but it is hard and lonely.

Today we transferred one day 3 8-celled embryo with some fragmentation. I really only want to do SET because I am terrified of conceiving another set of twins, but I still have very complicated feelings about it. In some sense "needing" to do SET and the lowered chance of pregnancy with each transfer that comes with it feels like a punishment, like I am being reprimanded for something really horrible that I did.

And in a sense that's completely accurate -- I am being reprimanded for something really horrible that I did, it is just something that my body did that I had no conscious control over.

Honestly, part of me also would still really like twins. I am okay now with admitting that, but at the same time it is a very theoretical type of want, because another twin pregnancy, at least before proving that I can successfully carry a full-term singleton pregnancy, would just be too terrifying and too unfair to the babies (so despite my complicated feelings, no need to lecture me on what a bad idea it would be to transfer more than one embryo).

Anyhow, all of this talk of singletons vs. multiples is pretty moot at this point. Due to the premature rise in progesterone, Dr. T. thinks my chances of conceiving with this transfer are low. Of course this makes me feel pretty bleak. Actually, this really sucks.

I have been giving this little 8-celled soap bubble a lot of pep-talking, and of course anything at this point is possible -- if I have been on the wrong side of the unlikely statistics more than my fair share, isn't it possible to end up on the right side of the unlikely statistics this time?

I even promised this pretty little 8-celled soap bubble a ridiculously overpriced stroller and a loving home (you will not be surprised to know Y rolled his eyes at the ridiculously overpriced stroller part). Still, I am not very hopeful and it's bringing me to a sadder place than I imagined because I am bringing so much additional grief along with me.

The interesting news is that we still have four remaining embryos. This morning, one was 4 cells and the other three were 6 cells. All of them had some fragmentation. This doesn't sound stellar, but Naava and Aminadav both came from blasts that were fragmented 6-cell embryos on day 3.

Our lab isn't so good at freezing and thawing blasts (though they do use vitrification), so the current plan is to freeze the remaining embryos today on day 3 and then thaw them next month and attempt to see if we can grow one of them to blastocyst. Then we would attempt a day 5 SET, which is what we initially wanted to do with this transfer and we would have, but since my RE thinks our chances of implantation are lower due to the premature progesterone rise, we didn't want to…wait for it…put all of our eggs in one basket.

This plan is ok but puts a serious cramp in my style given that we were supposed to move to Canada on June 15! If this transfer is unsuccessful, the new plan is for me to stay behind in Israel solo to do the transfer after we've packed up all our stuff and moved out of our place. This would pretty much suck (goes right back to the feeling of being punished), but since I am a glutton both for punishment and opportunities to get pregnant, we all know that I will end up doing it. Clearly, what would suck even more is if I hang around for the additional couple of weeks only for none of the embryos to make it to day 5.

Between the move, TTC, and my work situation I feel like everything is in total limbo right now and nothing about this year is unraveling the way I hoped and anticipated (most notably the part where my twins were supposed to live and I was supposed to be totally overwhelmed with two infants this summer). Sorry if I am starting to sound angry, sad, and bitter, but right now, I think that's pretty much where I'm at.