May 23, 2012

the embryo transfer blues

Despite my best attempts at apathy, TTC again is really hard. I so desperately want to be pregnant again, but everything I've been doing to try to make it happen feels like a form of punishment. I think constantly about how if the twins were to arrive now they would most likely be alive and well, and that causes me a lot of pain.

Every action we take to make a new baby is a reminder of the babies who were supposed to be here with us right now. Sometimes it is just too cruel. I do still think this was the right choice for us -- to jump back into IVF again so soon after, but it is hard and lonely.

Today we transferred one day 3 8-celled embryo with some fragmentation. I really only want to do SET because I am terrified of conceiving another set of twins, but I still have very complicated feelings about it. In some sense "needing" to do SET and the lowered chance of pregnancy with each transfer that comes with it feels like a punishment, like I am being reprimanded for something really horrible that I did.

And in a sense that's completely accurate -- I am being reprimanded for something really horrible that I did, it is just something that my body did that I had no conscious control over.

Honestly, part of me also would still really like twins. I am okay now with admitting that, but at the same time it is a very theoretical type of want, because another twin pregnancy, at least before proving that I can successfully carry a full-term singleton pregnancy, would just be too terrifying and too unfair to the babies (so despite my complicated feelings, no need to lecture me on what a bad idea it would be to transfer more than one embryo).

Anyhow, all of this talk of singletons vs. multiples is pretty moot at this point. Due to the premature rise in progesterone, Dr. T. thinks my chances of conceiving with this transfer are low. Of course this makes me feel pretty bleak. Actually, this really sucks.

I have been giving this little 8-celled soap bubble a lot of pep-talking, and of course anything at this point is possible -- if I have been on the wrong side of the unlikely statistics more than my fair share, isn't it possible to end up on the right side of the unlikely statistics this time?

I even promised this pretty little 8-celled soap bubble a ridiculously overpriced stroller and a loving home (you will not be surprised to know Y rolled his eyes at the ridiculously overpriced stroller part). Still, I am not very hopeful and it's bringing me to a sadder place than I imagined because I am bringing so much additional grief along with me.

The interesting news is that we still have four remaining embryos. This morning, one was 4 cells and the other three were 6 cells. All of them had some fragmentation. This doesn't sound stellar, but Naava and Aminadav both came from blasts that were fragmented 6-cell embryos on day 3.

Our lab isn't so good at freezing and thawing blasts (though they do use vitrification), so the current plan is to freeze the remaining embryos today on day 3 and then thaw them next month and attempt to see if we can grow one of them to blastocyst. Then we would attempt a day 5 SET, which is what we initially wanted to do with this transfer and we would have, but since my RE thinks our chances of implantation are lower due to the premature progesterone rise, we didn't want to…wait for it…put all of our eggs in one basket.

This plan is ok but puts a serious cramp in my style given that we were supposed to move to Canada on June 15! If this transfer is unsuccessful, the new plan is for me to stay behind in Israel solo to do the transfer after we've packed up all our stuff and moved out of our place. This would pretty much suck (goes right back to the feeling of being punished), but since I am a glutton both for punishment and opportunities to get pregnant, we all know that I will end up doing it. Clearly, what would suck even more is if I hang around for the additional couple of weeks only for none of the embryos to make it to day 5.

Between the move, TTC, and my work situation I feel like everything is in total limbo right now and nothing about this year is unraveling the way I hoped and anticipated (most notably the part where my twins were supposed to live and I was supposed to be totally overwhelmed with two infants this summer). Sorry if I am starting to sound angry, sad, and bitter, but right now, I think that's pretty much where I'm at.

27 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry A that things are not going as you had hoped/planned. But I pray that this baby nestles down and sticks around for 8-9 months! Thinking of you often.

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  2. Of course you're angry, sad and bitter - anyone would be after going through everything you've gone through - don't apologize!

    I'm very hopeful for this embryo - for a long and healthy pregnancy!!! Thinking of you....

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  3. Oh my goodness, your feelings mirror mine so closely. Especially about the twins part. Not a day goes by that I don't think about where they would be right now if only mine had made it. My fingers are crossed that this cycle surprises you.

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    1. Thanks, Ducky. I have been thinking of you a lot and sending lots of good vibes that your cycle gets off to go a smooth start!

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  4. Oh, there are so many emotions in this post: hopefulness, anxiousness, sadness, fear. All of them completely understandable, considering all you've been through. I'm holding onto hope for you; for this cycle. Love and hugs.

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  5. I'm sorry things aren't going the way you hoped. I'll keep my fingers crossed that this little one implants nicely and you don't have to worry about another transfer in the midst of a move. That would be very difficult, especially if you're on your own.

    Don't be too hard on yourself about feeling down. You've been through a lot, and you have a few big hurdles to go. I can relate to feeling overwhelmed and bouncing between optimism and pessimism (and not missing a feeling in between). Hang in there. You can do this.

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  6. This is so hard. I will keep hope for you during this time and pray that little embaby sticks around. I also know intimately how conflicting a SET can be. I wanted twins after losing mine...that was what I had envisioned...what I now wanted. But I knew it was a bad idea. So even though I would have been thrilled at another chance at twins, I went with my brain and did the safest thing. So I get it. It kind of feels like losing another dream you didn't realize you had.

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    1. I know you get it. It is really hard, but I also know I will be over the moon if I find myself in a healthy low-risk singleton pregnancy.

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  7. Sending lots of love to you and the embryos. Hoping they surprise you.

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  8. Wow, sweetie...you've got a lot on your plate! Please try your best to take it easy. I'm hoping and praying that your little guy decides to snuggle in for the long-haul!

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  9. Thinking of you and hoping for the best. xoxo

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  10. "...everything I've been doing to try to make it happen feels like a form of punishment..." Ugh. I so get this.

    Sending peace and warmth to you and your tiny embryos. Hoping your dreams come true so soon.

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  11. So much going on. I'm sorry that it's so hard right now, I do hope that despite the bleak odds given - this little embie stick around!

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  12. I found you from Adrift on a Dandelion Breeze, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girls! I just wanted to let you know that I was on the wrong side of the statistics during my last pregnancy more than I was on the right... but have a beautiful three month old baby boy sleeping beside me right now! He was also IVF, and I lost my Kristen at 22wks a year and a half ago (IVF as well) I'll be keeping you and your embryos in my thoughts!!

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  13. Your feelings make so much sense! I am praying for you and your embies!!

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  14. Here from ICLW. I'm so sorry to hear about your twins. Don't appologize for how you're feeling; you have every right to feel anger, sadness, hopefulness... whatever you feel like feeling!

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  15. I had a lot of the same feelings when we embarked upon our first IVF after the loss of our twins. We also grappled with the eSET idea, especially difficult because our embryos could only be thawed per tube, and there were two to a tube (nothing is ever straightforward, is it!). Going through the process again, there were still feelings of disbelief of being back taking all the meds, in the stirrups...when you thought you'd be sleepless caring for two little ones at this time. Sending you and your bubble embryo positive energy and strength!
    BG

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  16. I'm so sorry about the loss of your twins. I can't imagine how painful that is. You have every right to feel the way that you do, anyone in your situation would feel the same. I hope this transfer can bring a little light into your life.

    ICLW #26

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  17. Oh hun... I'm so sorry that you're going through this now - I'm keeping up hope for your 2WW and have my FXd for you. I know what you mean when you say "Every action we take to make a new baby is a reminder of the babies who were supposed to be here with us right now"... I often think that about Gabrielle. Be gentle on yourself... you're doing everything you can in very difficult circumstances xoxo

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    1. Thanks DB. You have been in my thoughts constantly - always hoping this is your lucky cycle!

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  18. So sorry you are going through so much at once. I am hoping and praying this little embie digs in deep and sticks around for a long long time.

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  19. Hi from ICLW

    I have to admit I read back pretty far - I am so sorry about your loss, even though I know that doesn't really help. I truly hope that this cycle brings you some peace.

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  20. Hi from ICLW. I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins. I hope this cycle works and you can move forward with the rest of your plans and out of limbo. It's a terrible place to be.

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  21. I'm sorry that TTC is bringing up your grief .... Good luck trying to give your angel twins a sibling!!!

    Happy ICLW from #3 :)

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  22. I'm so sorry this is so difficult. I think your feelings make perfect sense...just wanted you to know that you're still in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this cycle surprises you and brings you a BFP!

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  23. Sending good luck to you this cycle. My first IVF cycle after I lost my twins was so tough. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  24. Hello from ICLW! So sorry for your loss. :(

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