I am feeling so incredibly lonely lately. I have not been there for the people who I love most and I have essentially made a deliberate choice to continue to not be there for them by choosing to be in Israel right now and continuing my treatment. I am so wracked with guilt I feel like I deserve to fail. How could I lose sight of the people and things I hold most dear all for the selfish dream of an imaginary child that exists only as a figment of my imagination? And yet, here I am still waiting for this stupid cycle to begin, continuing to endure this break, which all be told will probably not amount to more than 3 months, but that is so tortuous because I did not choose it and it has no definite end. More time to obsess and worry and second guess every major decision of my life except for my marriage.
I am just so ready to move on - I am not sure how and not sure in what form, but already I have lost so much time - time with my loved ones, time for my marriage, time for myself - to be happy, to be grateful, to enjoy all the things that used to bring me pleasure, all lost for that one thing that eludes me still. It is not the drugs or procedures or physical discomfort that bums me out - it is all of the horrible ways in which I have changed, become so closed-up, so ungiving of my love, my time, of everything to everyone who has made my life so rich, so joyful, and so worthwhile until this point. I feel like I am imploding, being swallowed up by myself, by this relentless obsession with this elusive, imaginary life that doesn't exist outside of our dreams, that frankly doesn't want to exist. I am just brimming with so much self-hatred at my selfishness.
I am so freaking focused on myself and my obsession. Is it even for my husband? Well, I'd like to think so, but how much time of our young marriage have we spent preoccupied with our one extravagant failure as opposed to enjoying each other? I am waiting and miserable and so, so selfish. Where I used to be so radiant & so full - full of so much energy and love to give to my friends, to my family, I am just empty, and hardened, completely turned inward. Will this all one day be worth it?