Jun 3, 2011

alone & selfish

I am feeling so incredibly lonely lately. I have not been there for the people who I love most and I have essentially made a deliberate choice to continue to not be there for them by choosing to be in Israel right now and continuing my treatment. I am so wracked with guilt I feel like I deserve to fail. How could I lose sight of the people and things I hold most dear all for the selfish dream of an imaginary child that exists only as a figment of my imagination? And yet, here I am still waiting for this stupid cycle to begin, continuing to endure this break, which all be told will probably not amount to more than 3 months, but that is so tortuous because I did not choose it and it has no definite end. More time to obsess and worry and second guess every major decision of my life except for my marriage.

I am just so ready to move on - I am not sure how and not sure in what form, but already I have lost so much time - time with my loved ones, time for my marriage, time for myself - to be happy, to be grateful, to enjoy all the things that used to bring me pleasure, all lost for that one thing that eludes me still. It is not the drugs or procedures or physical discomfort that bums me out - it is all of the horrible ways in which I have changed, become so closed-up, so ungiving of my love, my time, of everything to everyone who has made my life so rich, so joyful, and so worthwhile until this point. I feel like I am imploding, being swallowed up by myself, by this relentless obsession with this elusive, imaginary life that doesn't exist outside of our dreams, that frankly doesn't want to exist. I am just brimming with so much self-hatred at my selfishness.

I am so freaking focused on myself and my obsession. Is it even for my husband? Well, I'd like to think so, but how much time of our young marriage have we spent preoccupied with our one extravagant failure as opposed to enjoying each other? I am waiting and miserable and so, so selfish. Where I used to be so radiant & so full - full of so much energy and love to give to my friends, to my family, I am just empty, and hardened, completely turned inward. Will this all one day be worth it?


  1. I know how you feel. I knew long before we stopped treatments that they were harming my ability to be with others because I had lost so much faith/energy/life. I was so tired of waiting, getting poked by needles, having blood drawn, seeing specialists...that I was becoming a shell of myself.

    I know you're not to the point yet of stopping treatment, but for me when we stopped...my life came back. I feel better every day. For me, going through all of the side effects of treatments was not worth it.

    I wish you the best as you continue on your journey.

  2. These are very normal thoughts to have while waiting for a cycle, or really any time during the whole process. This stuff is so hard, and it takes so much of our time, money and energy - of course you're going to question if it's the right thing to do, or if it will be worth it. It's so hard to go forward without knowing if it will work, but one thing that helped me is to know that if I go through it all and still it doesn't work, at least I will know that I did everything I could before moving on. Maybe that will help. In the meantime, I wish I could fly over the ocean between us and give you a hug!

  3. Rain - Thank you so much for your kind and reassuring words. I look forward to getting my life back, too. I have no idea when or in what form it will happen, but I know that things won't continue on like this forever and that there will be a resolution.

    Alex- Yes, the leap of faith we take when there are no guarantees is probably the thing that makes this whole process so daunting. Thanks for your advice - it is absolutely true that while I constantly second guess allowing IF such a prominent place in my life right now, the what-ifs of not pursuing treatment right now would be so difficult (I guess that's how we know it's not time to stop).

    Thank you so much for the wise words, ladies!

  4. Oh hone, it's totally understandable to feel this way. I do all the time. I also get how it feels to be so far away from your family. It's always hard, but with this rollercoaster, it's even harder.
    You've got my email. If you feel like meeting up in Tel Aviv for coffee or something let me know. xoxo

  5. Thanks so much, mommyodyssey! I might take you up on the offer for coffee:) I hope af comes soon for you and that there is hope of rescheduling the hsg for this cycle. Even if they are booked up once you are in the right part of your cycle for it, I would keep pestering to see if there's a cancellation. Thinking of you.

  6. Oh sweetie, this is a natural consequence of this horror story. The one person who has helped me stay sane through this process is my mother, who keeps reminding me,over and over, that I have no control over what happens, all I can control is my reaction to it.

    To regain our equilibrium, we have to confront our worst fear and become at peace with that possible reality- this is a horrendously difficult exercise, but its one I'm attempting myself, because what makes this process unbearable is our own reaction to failures- Our fear and anxiety rule, and that is on torturing ourselves this way. All will be well, no matter what happens. Keep saying at to yourself, and at some point, you have to start believing it. I've come to think of this as the most important life lesson I have had to learn this far- If I can make it, then, something good has come out of this nightmare.

    Thinking of you....be kind to yourself.

  7. Thanks, Jay! The control thing is probably something I struggled with long before IF and oh man, IF exacerbates it so much! I always cling to the illusion that I am somehow in control of this, at least to some extent - in the end, it's a mighty bad coping mechanism because I take each failure more personally than otherwise. How are you doing?