Feb 1, 2012

anxiety girl returns

Remember this chick?


I think she's back in rare form! I have this creeping unsettled feeling that is making me so anxious lately. I secretly think everything is a hidden sign of pre-term labor and it is my job to crack the case and figure it out. Every new pain arouses new suspicion and I feel like it is impossible to differentiate between what is just me being me and what is a potential issue.

Most days I am just still so shocked to be pregnant, to be gestating life and sporting this little baby bump and whatnot, it is so hard to imagine all of us coming out of this ordeal alive and healthy because me + reproductive success is such uncharted territory. I do take comfort in knowing that my anxiety is probably very common among People Like Me. It doesn't help that I was unusually anxious and neurotic before infertility and miscarriage entered my life.

I really pray that one day I can look back on this time of my life and think to myself how silly and unwarranted all of this anxiety is because I will have had my happy ending (the alternative is I will look back on this time of my life and reflect on what a sucker and smug self-entitled jerk I was to surreptitiously compare overpriced double stroller models and fawn over cute lamb mobiles like someone who might give birth to two intact children in the near future).

Of course the only thing that separates the wistful, omniscient "See, everything turned out okay" me of the future from the self-loathing "I told you so, sucker!" me of the future is the outcome of this pregnancy.

And now here is a summary of what actually happened this week in list form:

  • Horrible food poisoning over the weekend that incapacitated me through Monday. I think it was worse than it would have been otherwise because I am pregnant. Vomiting Olympics 2012 ensued. Things were finally brought more or less under control by IV Zofran. I still don't know what the culprit was, but I hope to G-d it wasn't the lethal baby-killing kind of food poisoning. We've heard the babies' heartbeats on the doppler since, so it appears they're still kickin'.
  • Discovered the show Homeland. Actually, that didn't happen this week, but it is an awesome show and I highly recommend it.
  • Hematology appointment...pretty uneventful (we like uneventful!). I go back in 2 weeks. The cancer building where the hematology department is housed is a very depressing building. Not only is the clientele largely very ill, but the building is incredibly physically depressing.
  • Lightning crotch:) Is this normal during early 2nd tri? I wasn't planning on enjoying this loveliness until later on. Shockingly, I find it contributing to my anxiety.
  • Bump shot - for better or worse, the first one I've posted (14w5d):


  1. love the bump!
    Lightening crotch is totally normal. Though I'm one to talk. I see needing to pee as a sign of pre-term labor.
    We be crazy.

  2. Ugh, Im not usually an anxious person and I find myself doing the same. I think its bc I still cant believe we are pregnant!!! Adiorable bump!!!

    Whats lightning crotch, like pains shooting through? Bc I have those!!!!

  3. I had lightning crotch earlier than I was expecting - and it was awful. I feel for you!

    Cute bump! Judging from that, it looks like everything is going just great! I understand the anxiety - I had it literally until the moment they pulled my son out of my gaping incision and showed him to me. I don't know if it was the best feeling ever because A) I finally had my baby or B) I could finally stop worrying ;) Probably a combo of the two!

  4. I hon I been lurking on TB and following you. I am so happy for you. I've been gone for sometime now. It's Mari2003 from 3T. I have some info for you, just not sure how to get it to you. My bump account is screwed up and TB Gods can't figure out how to fix it. I will add the link to my blog and you can shoot me an email on their with your email address! If you don't mind.


  5. The baby bump looks great. Just have to figure out have to see it in person soon :). I think we're going to start watching Homeland as well.

  6. Love the bump pic! Glad you have recovered from the poisoning and things are going well!

  7. People like us can and do have babies. I did and you will. It does happen!

  8. The anxiety is hard to let go of. I essentially stay that way constantly. The other day it occurred to me that I really should start to enjoy this pregnancy at some point and not assume that everything is a sign of impending disaster. Not that it's really helped any...

    Love the bump! Mine seems to start under my boobs -- I love how yours pops out at the bottom!