anxiety girl returns

Remember this chick?



I think she's back in rare form! I have this creeping unsettled feeling that is making me so anxious lately. I secretly think everything is a hidden sign of pre-term labor and it is my job to crack the case and figure it out. Every new pain arouses new suspicion and I feel like it is impossible to differentiate between what is just me being me and what is a potential issue.

Most days I am just still so shocked to be pregnant, to be gestating life and sporting this little baby bump and whatnot, it is so hard to imagine all of us coming out of this ordeal alive and healthy because me + reproductive success is such uncharted territory. I do take comfort in knowing that my anxiety is probably very common among People Like Me. It doesn't help that I was unusually anxious and neurotic before infertility and miscarriage entered my life.

I really pray that one day I can look back on this time of my life and think to myself how silly and unwarranted all of this anxiety is because I will have had my happy ending (the alternative is I will look back on this time of my life and reflect on what a sucker and smug self-entitled jerk I was to surreptitiously compare overpriced double stroller models and fawn over cute lamb mobiles like someone who might give birth to two intact children in the near future).

Of course the only thing that separates the wistful, omniscient "See, everything turned out okay" me of the future from the self-loathing "I told you so, sucker!" me of the future is the outcome of this pregnancy.

And now here is a summary of what actually happened this week in list form:

• Horrible food poisoning over the weekend that incapacitated me through Monday. I think it was worse than it would have been otherwise because I am pregnant. Vomiting Olympics 2012 ensued. Things were finally brought more or less under control by IV Zofran. I still don't know what the culprit was, but I hope to G-d it wasn't the lethal baby-killing kind of food poisoning. We've heard the babies' heartbeats on the doppler since, so it appears they're still kickin'.
• Discovered the show Homeland. Actually, that didn't happen this week, but it is an awesome show and I highly recommend it.
• Hematology appointment...pretty uneventful (we like uneventful!). I go back in 2 weeks. The cancer building where the hematology department is housed is a very depressing building. Not only is the clientele largely very ill, but the building is incredibly physically depressing.
• Lightning crotch:) Is this normal during early 2nd tri? I wasn't planning on enjoying this loveliness until later on. Shockingly, I find it contributing to my anxiety.
• Bump shot - for better or worse, the first one I've posted (14w5d):