grateful & thankful, but not enjoying it

I remember a little while ago Mommy Odyssey posted about how she hates being pregnant. I am joining that club, and I stand tall and proud.

Seeing our son and daughter grow with each ultrasound, watching them move around, beginning to feel movement, watching my body change and grow and my belly swell - I am in total awe of these things. They are beyond my wildest dreams.

However, my pregnancy has actually been overwhelmingly miserable, from hyperemesis during first tri and the beginning of second tri, to my bleeding episodes - the partial abruption last week being downright terrifying and the potential for a larger detachment that could potentially doom my little ones constantly occupying my thoughts.

The hyperemesis sucked (I put it in the past tense but without anti-nausea medication, I am still a mess) but it was manageable in the sense that it seemed like a necessary evil that I needed to endure in order to make it to the prize…'paying my dues' or something like that. There was a strong sense of purpose in my suffering and I never felt that it seriously threatened my pregnancy, at least not in an immediate sense, as long as I could stay adequately hydrated with IV fluids.

But with this partial detachment of my placenta and the fact that it is a chronic issue - I feel like such a time bomb and I am so scared for my little ones. Of course I am beyond grateful that we made it through the last bleed, that was a huge deal, but I just wish I could will time to pass, to at least be at 24 weeks and then after that 26, 28, etc… (maybe the etc. is a little bit much, but a girl can dream).

As an infertile who is now pregnant and worked so hard to get to this point (and let's not forget, was lucky enough to get to this point…many wonderful, strong women have endured more with less to show for it), there is definitely an expectation, both that I place on myself and that the IF community places on one another, that once you are pregnant you better well damn enjoy the pregnancy and also, that you should never complain once pregnant, because so many others would do anything to be in your position.

I want nothing more in the universe than to hold these babes in my arms, to watch them thrive and to grow and to have the honor to be their Eema and the joy of seeing Y have the opportunity to become an Abba. If we can get to that point, I just can't imagine - it will be so, so special and amazing. I am very focused on the end-goal these days.

My particular pregnancy experience (and I am very well aware this may be my only pregnancy) is not the wonderful, magical time in my life that I had hoped it would be. Rather, it is a means to an end. It doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful to be where I am right now, but I would be lying if I said it was fun or easy or that I am enjoying it.

G-d willing the outcome will be good and then it will be the most worthwhile negative experience of my life.