Feb 20, 2012

grateful & thankful, but not enjoying it

I remember a little while ago Mommy Odyssey posted about how she hates being pregnant. I am joining that club, and I stand tall and proud.

Seeing our son and daughter grow with each ultrasound, watching them move around, beginning to feel movement, watching my body change and grow and my belly swell - I am in total awe of these things. They are beyond my wildest dreams.

However, my pregnancy has actually been overwhelmingly miserable, from hyperemesis during first tri and the beginning of second tri, to my bleeding episodes - the partial abruption last week being downright terrifying and the potential for a larger detachment that could potentially doom my little ones constantly occupying my thoughts.

The hyperemesis sucked (I put it in the past tense but without anti-nausea medication, I am still a mess) but it was manageable in the sense that it seemed like a necessary evil that I needed to endure in order to make it to the prize…'paying my dues' or something like that. There was a strong sense of purpose in my suffering and I never felt that it seriously threatened my pregnancy, at least not in an immediate sense, as long as I could stay adequately hydrated with IV fluids.

But with this partial detachment of my placenta and the fact that it is a chronic issue - I feel like such a time bomb and I am so scared for my little ones. Of course I am beyond grateful that we made it through the last bleed, that was a huge deal, but I just wish I could will time to pass, to at least be at 24 weeks and then after that 26, 28, etc… (maybe the etc. is a little bit much, but a girl can dream).

As an infertile who is now pregnant and worked so hard to get to this point (and let's not forget, was lucky enough to get to this point…many wonderful, strong women have endured more with less to show for it), there is definitely an expectation, both that I place on myself and that the IF community places on one another, that once you are pregnant you better well damn enjoy the pregnancy and also, that you should never complain once pregnant, because so many others would do anything to be in your position.

I want nothing more in the universe than to hold these babes in my arms, to watch them thrive and to grow and to have the honor to be their Eema and the joy of seeing Y have the opportunity to become an Abba. If we can get to that point, I just can't imagine - it will be so, so special and amazing. I am very focused on the end-goal these days.

My particular pregnancy experience (and I am very well aware this may be my only pregnancy) is not the wonderful, magical time in my life that I had hoped it would be. Rather, it is a means to an end. It doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful to be where I am right now, but I would be lying if I said it was fun or easy or that I am enjoying it.

G-d willing the outcome will be good and then it will be the most worthwhile negative experience of my life.

10 comments:

  1. I don't think you have to feel bad about not enjoying the pregnancy, pregnancy can suck. I think the important thing is just to always be grateful for the pregnancy, whether it's from IVF or completely natural you can't take anything for granted. But at the same time it doesn't make pregnancy any more fun, not enjoying the experience and not being grateful for it are two very different things. Hang in there, letting the babies grow is all you can do now.

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  2. Don't feel bad about not enjoying the pregnancy. Everyone's experience is different and there are a ton of uncomfortable and scary things that go along with it. Everyone knows you are so grateful and you want nothing more to have these babies in your arms. I am glad you are home and I am hoping and praying the rest of this pregnancy is uneventful. Hugz!

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  3. I don't enjoy pregnancy either, but I am very thankful for all my children.

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  4. Pregnancy was, by and large, awful for me as well. HG here (and the nausea/vomitting didn't go away until about a week after birth, btw), several scares, extended bedrest, etc.

    I did love feeling my babies move, though.

    And as much as I didn't enjoy it, I did wish (still do!) I could have stayed pregnant longer.

    But I'm not exactly about to sign up to be a gestational carrier for anyone...

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  5. Glad to know I am not alone in these feelings. Being extremely uncomfortable and/or feeling ill sucks majorly but there is the sense that it is all for a cause which I think makes it tolerable. It's living with the fear of losing everything that has made me really miserable lately. I know there are tons of women with complications who continue planning, shopping, etc with a wonderfully positive attitude that the outcome will be good...I really need to work on adopting some of this attitude, I think.

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  6. It is definitely understandable to be feeling the way you are. That fear is so incredibly hard to ignore. I don't know to do it.

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  7. I tried to comment on your last post but couldn't. Don't feel bad about the way you feel, it is the way you feel and that is okay. Pregnancy after IF is so scary. I have new fibroids despite my robotic myomectomy and often fear that the little assholes wouls once again cause trouble. I am hopeful that you will be able to cook those babies longer and maybe just maybe start to enjoy your pregnancy just a wee bit.

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    1. Thanks, Gurlee. Interestingly, when I had a hysteroscopy last year and we were contemplating a myomectomy (which we didn't do), there was only one fibroid, so there is really no way of knowing whether the bugger behind one of the placentas is the original or one of my late joiners. Congrats on being in your 30th week, that's pretty sweet:)

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  8. I remember speaking to Mo about this. I was going through a stage where I didn't really enjoy being pregnant. The thing is I really don't. All I want is the end product. And I haven't even had HALF or even any of the issues you have. I just don't really enjoy it. I have bloomed with joy and I don't look amazing.

    I think the only way we will be happy is, once we have the babes in our arms.

    It's ok to be like this. It really is a case of don't say anything till you walk in their shoes. a lesson I have only learned after becoming pregnant.....

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    1. I know what you mean by not saying anything till you walk in someone else's shoes. I would have been insanely jealous of myself now a year ago, and not to say that I don't feel incredibly blessed right now, because I do, but I don't take it as a sure thing that by virtue of having reached this point in my pregnancy, I will take home two healthy babies in my arms. Right now I am so focused on getting them here and safely, in the right time, that it feels nearly impossible to enjoy the interim without knowing the outcome.

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